Thulani is hardly home. He is either at work or on a drinking spree somewhere. He does construction piece jobs, buys groceries for us and drinks the rest of his money away with his buddies. I, on the other hand, have no friends, except for my neighbour’s daughter, Maria.
This past week I have been thinking about Rudzani a lot. Weird. My heart can’t seem to forget about him. Vhonani has left me with a scar and I am not going to trust again easily. Warming up to Rudzani is out of the question.
But, Rudzani’s words to me on the side of the road that night did give me peace. Listen, your angel is watching over you. When you feel lonely, remember that she is watching over you from heaven. While I was weeping alone for a whole year, no one ever told me anything like that. That day, when I met him, was the last time I wore my mourning outfits. Before, I couldn’t let go of my sorrow because it felt as if I would be letting go of my angel. He reassured me that she would always be with me.
‘A real woman wakes up and sweeps the yard at dawn,’ Maria calls out while walking towards our house.
‘Hai suka! Not me.’
‘Who is going to marry you?’ she asks, her hands on her waist.
I wave her words away as she crosses the swept yard to where I am standing. Who said I want to be married?
Maria scans me with a furrowed brow. When she finally notices what she was searching for, she asks, ‘You are not wearing black?’
I flash a smile at her.
‘What happened?’
She means well.
‘Let’s just say I now believe my angel is watching over me, and when she does, she has to find me smiling.’
‘I like that. Now put the broom down and let’s go.’
‘Where to?’
‘Ronnie’s house for the funeral preparations?’
I know she means cooking. As always when there is a death in the community, we will band together to make sure the funeral is conducted with dignity. Even if you don’t really know the family, you go. But today I’m hesitant.
‘Do we really have to go?’ The last thing I want now is to be bumping into Rudzani. For some reason, I am scared of how he makes me feel. I can’t get him off my mind and that scares the hell out of me. He is a man – just like Vhonani.
Maria lectures me, telling me to shove my own feelings aside. She thinks I’m scared the funeral will trigger the memory of my daughter’s burial. She is wrong. I have moved on now.
And I realise there is no running away from this responsibility. After all, this community helped out at my own daughter’s funeral. People came together to make sure that I could send my daughter off in the proper way.
Maria waits for me in the kitchen while I change into something decent. When I return to where she is seated, she has already taken down my apron which was hanging behind the kitchen door. She has also picked the sharpest knives from the kitchen drawer to take along.
‘I hope to see my crush today,’ Maria shyly says as we walk out of the gate.
‘Your crush?’
‘Ronnie’s brother. His name is Rudzani.’
It is weird that my heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name.
‘If only he was not such a player. If only.’
‘Is he …’ I swallow hard, ‘… a player?’
My heart drops. I don’t even know why I am disappointed. He is nothing to me but just a stranger who delivered a god-sent message.
‘Oh, yes. Rudzani dates so many women and dumps them just as quickly. He is a flirt. But who wouldn’t be with all the money his family has? All he has to do is to empty his pocket and voilà … all women run to him.’
Oh, wow! And I fell for his tricks, didn’t I? For some reason, I feel disappointed.
‘But you still like him? Even when he is a womaniser?’
What am I asking? It shouldn’t matter if she likes him or not. But it does.
‘Well, I just fancy him,’ she blushes. ‘He’s so attractive! He has his type of women. Not girls like me. I just like him from a distance. You, Thandeka, I think you could match with his brother. His name is Gundo. He is the eldest, but so uptight. He is reserved and your kind of guy.’
‘I don’t want a match, Maria. I don’t trust a thing called a man,’ I spit. Mostly because she just told me that the guy I have been thinking about the whole week is a serial womaniser. Why would I walk into a lion’s den with my eyes wide open? I would be a fool to do so.
‘Is this because Vhonani broke your heart?’ she asks lightly, without realising how much damage Vhonani caused in my life. I literally cried for a year. A whole year. But I didn’t tell anyone about that. Vhonani broke me and left with a piece of me. I’m not whole. When I don’t give her an answer, she lets it go. We walk for a few minutes in silence. Maria asks if I am fine. I nod at her. I am fine – I am just disappointed that Rudzani turned out to be what Maria said he was. I was not looking to be his girlfriend. I just thought he had a good heart, but it sounds like he uses women.
There are many cars parked outside of Ma Angie’s house. From down the street we can see people walking in and out of the yard.
‘More hands, please. Oh, please hurry to the back! You young ladies like to drag your feet,’ an old woman yells as we approach the gate. Maria and I pick up our pace.
There he is! The man I didn’t want to run into. He smirks at me – a lustful smirk it now seems to me. He gives me a nod and lifts his hand to wave. He isn’t getting back a wave from me. I have no time for men like my ex-boyfriend. If he thinks I’m to be flattered, he must think again!
CHAPTER 3
GUNDO
The funeral went as planned. It was a beautiful send-off for my younger brother and my only son. People from the community showed up. My family too. My marriage to Diana had turned me away from my family and I only realised it this week. Diana loves money and she thinks the humble village where my parents stay is beneath her. While we were married, we hardly ever visited. But she was happy to send my son here to get out of her way. It pains me to think of it now.
My aunt was left speechless when Diana showed up on Friday evening and worked with the women from the community. I watched her for a little while as she took charge and directed the younger girls. She did her part and stayed up the whole night, leaving my family without anything bad to say about her. They all know that Diana stepped up and stood in for Khuthi’s mother, Mashudu, who we still cannot get hold of. Her three sisters were here though. Once they hear from her, they will inform Mashudu that I did my best to trace her.
For the past few months, Diana has been more like the woman I fell in love with. She reminded me why I had married her in the first place. We started sleeping together again a while ago. She is still as sexy as the days before she had our daughter. I’m still attracted to her physically, but the sex was just that – sex. We had agreed that it would just be some adult fun, no strings attached. But I wonder if this display of helpfulness at the funeral was not an attempt by Diana to get back together with me. It has made me realise that our sexual encounters will have to stop. I don’t want a relationship, much less a union, with her ever again.
Since Khuthi’s death I’ve been starting to feel anger towards Diana. Her cracked relationship with Khuthi is the reason he was often sent to