Our parents’ method was one of sacrifice. It was a very noble goal but it left much to be desired. We have learned through the decades that we can’t protect our children from the hate of the world by acclimating them to high levels of discipline. This is because their actions are not the cause for their mistreatment. We owe it to ourselves and our children to hold them as tight as we can. We may be the only ones to ever do so. It’s my hope that the love I show my son will inspire a revolution. Black parents’ capacity to love their children has been limited since slavery. Let’s not adjust our love any longer, and maybe for the first generation yet, we will empower our children in ways previous generations of black youths have never known.
STORY 2
Liberated Parenting Strategy
“Had my parents been loved well by their parents they would have given that love to their children. They gave what they had been given—care…. But simply giving care does not mean we are loving.”
—bell hooks, All About Love
Reflect
Spend some time reflecting on the excerpt above from All About Love by bell hooks. Recognizing that the word love can take on many different forms, reflect on your own childhood—how were you “loved”? As A. Rochaun shared, she knew her mother loved her, even though she never said those words. What did “love” look like for you as a child?
Practice
If you could offer your inner child the love that was needed, what would that look like? Take time to love on your inner child:
• Tell her the words that she deserved to hear—maybe your inner child never heard words of affirmation like I love you, I’m proud of you, You are beautiful. What are the life-affirming words that you can say to your inner child?
• Play the games your inner child yearned to play—maybe your inner child wants the freedom to play. What games and activities can you play (hopscotch, checker, cards, coloring)?
• Offer the salve to wounds that need to be healed—maybe your inner child is hurting. What healing does she need?
Now that you have provided your own inner child love, what is possible for giving the same love to your own child(ren)?
STORY 3
Black Fatherhood
Neil Irvin, executive director of Men Can Stop Rape
In 2012 I was selected for the second cohort of Move to End Violence, a program that engages movement leaders working to end gender-based violence in the United States, and that’s how I met Neil Irvin, who was a fellow in the first cohort. While I had heard of his incredible work as a male ally in the fight for gender equity and as executive director of Men Can Stop Rape, it wasn’t until I saw him give a keynote at Black Women’s Blueprint Words of Fire: Sex, Power, and a Black Feminist Call for Social Justice Conference in April 2017 that I witnessed his brilliance firsthand. I was at the conference to receive the Black Feminist Rising award and present a workshop on Parenting for Liberation. My husband accompanied me to the conference, and I was happy that he wasn’t the only Black man in the room in solidarity with Black women making a call for feminism. I was surprised that a man was being given such a huge platform, but Neil showed up and cleared up any questions I had about a man’s role in the feminist movement. Neil reflected on Black fatherhood, gender equity in the household, the responsibility of Black fathers keeping Black children safe, the role of Black male role models, and much more. He acknowledged how men can either be complicit in the violence or be counterparts in upending patriarchy. Following his talk, I invited him on the podcast and intentionally aired the episode on the eve of Father’s Day. Here are some snippets of our conversation:
Power of Language
“Whether in school or in our home, language and communication is key to preparing our children to start their journey of learning, for the rest of their life. You are able to read a story to the child while it’s still in the womb, so that it’s getting used to the pattern and the tone of your voice. I experienced that reading to my children when they were in their mother’s womb and when they came out at a certain point when they were more developed, I would be rereading stories that they had read when they were in their womb.
“When our children were infants, we never talked ‘baby talk’ to them. There’s a field of research in terms of early childhood development related to infants’ ability to comprehend. It’s the same reason why they talk about children’s ability to learn languages more easily when they’re younger.
“Language is important. Communication is important. It’s not only for us to be able to brag about how smart our children are, but it’s for them to be able to defend themselves. We want them to be able to tell us and use the appropriate words. Our six-year-old son knows the words penis and vagina and can talk about them in developmentally appropriate ways. God forbid anything ever happens to any of our children, but we want to make sure that they know how to use the right words and communicate properly so that they’re not misled or hurt.
“As parents, we were clear that we were preparing our children to be able to make sound decisions when they leave us based on critical-thinking skills. Those critical-thinking skills get shaped by gaining social-emotional intelligence—how they learn compassion, sympathy, empathy, anger, frustration. They have to know that about themselves, be able to detect those things for themselves. Then the other piece that we know is important for all people, whether children or adults, but the three things that shape personality, our nature, nurture, and environment.”
Fathering Daughters
“It is important to me that my daughters know that whatever relationship they choose in their life, that relationship is going to be a reflection of what they’ve learned from their mother and me. I want them to know that no one will love them more than me so that they will not be manipulated, tricked, or seduced. Just because someone buys them a bouquet of flowers or a hot dog, it doesn’t mean love, because they’ve seen what real love is. They’ve experienced it, been connected to it. They know how it feels. I want that for my own children, and for students we work with in the community through my organization, Men Can Stop Rape.”
Modeling Healthy Masculinity
“When I work with girls through Men Can Stop Rape, I am very clear that I model the ability to have appropriate adult relationships; intergenerational relationships with adult men who can role model healthy masculinity. I want to be an example, particularly as a Black man, of how to follow our female colleagues, their leadership, respecting their guidance, their intellect, their expertise, and collaborate with one another.
“It’s important for our girls to see women who are able to work with men and it not be about a romantic relationship. It’s about accomplishing a task or a goal. Unfortunately, a lot of our girls learn to interact with men through sexuality—the way that they want to communicate with young men is through a flirtation. Instead, it’s really important that girls are allowed to be girls and be safe enough to not have to use what we think are stereotypical kinds of characteristics to define themselves to be authorized in the space.”
Black Male Accountability
“What I know is that in this country, for five hundred years, Black children have been vulnerable to a system of white supremacy that does not value them. Our children are being inundated by the media, and affected by random acts of violence, white