This early conversation with Mai’a raised a couple of points for me regarding trauma. First, the idea that motherhood is traumatic—even though it’s often portrayed as the most beautiful, positive, and joyful experience of a person’s life. In reality, it can be completely traumatic—from infertility and challenges with conception, to complicated, near-death births, to postpartum challenges and infant phases. Secondly, Mai’a reframing trauma as soil for new seeds opened up something for me to see what’s possible because not in spite of trauma. So often we talk about the need to be resilient and bounce back from trauma, but Mai’a offers what is possible in our trauma.
STORY 1
Liberated Parenting Strategy
Reflect
Think about a time when you felt you were “breaking apart” as a parent. As Mai’a shared, it can happen at various states of our parenting journey—from pregnancy, to birth, to elementary school, etc. As you return to that time, getting in touch with how were you feeling, think about what felt possible and impossible? What choices and options were available to you? Read Tupac Shakur’s “The Rose That Grew from Concrete,” a short eight-line poem about rising above one’s circumstances. Using symbolism, Tupac calls our attention to a rose that does not allow dire conditions to hinder its growth; instead the rose proves nature’s law is wrong. Similar to Mai’a’s story, the rose in Shakur’s poem leverages the cracks in the concrete to breathe fresh air. After reading the poem, reflect on a rose that has bloomed from you breaking apart.
Practice
Often, we try to present ourselves as though we “have it together” and when we experience “breaking apart,” we retreat and withdraw, feeling alone and isolated.
As Mai’a shared, our moments of breaking apart are opportunities to be more expansive. Using that past experience of breaking apart to prepare for your next breakthrough, create a break-apart to breakthrough plan.
Write out: Next time you find yourself “breaking apart,” consider it a moment to open up and invite your community/village into your trauma. How can you connect with your community the next time you are breaking apart?
Here are some questions to ask yourself to create a breakthrough plan:
• When I am breaking apart it, looks, feels, sounds like:
• When I am breaking apart, I will not judge myself, I will give myself grace and understanding by:
• A mantra I can say to myself is:
• A care practice I can engage in is:
• A few people I can connect with are:
STORY 2
Shifting Away from Tough Love
A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez, writer for “On Parenting” in the Washington Post
On the heels of the visible upsurge of white supremacy in Charlottesville in 2017, I saw a beautiful article1 which made the call for Black parents to spoil their children as a sort of coat or buffer of protection from the hatred being spewed. Reading the article, I had so many moments of resonance and “yessss, girl” that I decided to reach out to the author via Facebook Messenger. Here’s what I sent to her:
Thank you for your much needed perspective and analysis in your recent piece in the Washington Post about spoiling Black children! Your frame and perspective is at the core of my passion project, Parenting for Liberation. I have made a commitment to engage with folks who are raising Black children who want to shift from fear-based parenting (rooted in protection since slavery) to parenting for liberation. I would love to interview you about this piece for my podcast. I believe Black parents need to hear stories about what it means to spoil Black children given the negative connotations with spoiling (e.g., spare the rod, spoil the child). If you are interested please let’s connect! For more info, www.parentingforliberation.org. Also on Facebook!
A. Rochaun responded very positively to my humble request and invited me to share my parenting reflections in her follow-up article2 to be featured in “On Parenting” in the Washington Post. Following the publication, I connected with A. Rochaun for a podcast interview. We spoke by phone for the interview, and I could hear her child in the background. During our conversation, we reflected on the impact of slavery and historical traumas that lead to fear-based parenting styles such as “tough love.” A. Rochaun shared how she is breaking through historical and intergenerational cycles of parenting to resist tough love.
Parenting in an Affectionate Way: Breastfeeding and Babywearing
“One of the first things that kind of sent me down the path of shifting from tough love to being fully emotionally present was deciding to breastfeed. That was the catalyst for me to acknowledge that I’m simply feeding my child in an affectionate way. I would also babywear him for ease to get things done. I was shocked by the resistance that I received from people on both sides of the fence. People would say ‘Oh, don’t nurse him for too long—you’ll be spoiling him’ or ‘Don’t hold that baby all the time. Then he’ll be spoiled.’
“That’s when I questioned: How is being emotionally present for my child spoiling him? First, taking the literal concept of spoiling—which is to separate and then not be any good anymore—my son is not a gallon of milk. He’s not going to spoil. Then taking on the definition that they’re implying—he won’t be any good anymore. Again I questioned: How is being emotionally present and giving the balance of love and structure that research has already proven countless times that children excel in, spoiling him? For so long, we have been taught that to be completely present for our children is wrong.”
Three Little Words: I Love You
“I grew up with a mom who obviously loves me dearly, but never felt comfortable enough to say ‘I love you.’ Although everything my mom does, from the way she looked to the way she smiled, just reeks love everywhere—she was never able to say those three words, because she grew up in an environment where her parents didn’t tell her they loved her. Similarly, they would do their best to show it, but the words were just uncomfortable. It didn’t feel right on their lips. While I love how she interacted with me and I love that she was physically present and provided me with the things I needed, I can remember how weird it felt that my mom just was never comfortable using that terminology.”
Declaring Love
“Combining growing up never hearing ‘I love you’ from my mom with the experiences of hearing the backlash when I made the decision to breastfeed, coupled with watching all of the horrific videos of children being beaten and mistreated online—it was an accumulation of years of frustration with parenting styles. I made the choice: I’m not going to let the rest of the world dictate the amount of love I give to my child. I’m not a slave anymore, I’m claiming it for myself that I can be free. I can nurse my son because I’m not responsible for nursing someone else’s child. I can be present for him because I don’t have to prioritize someone else’s baby over mine. It was a personal decision and declaration. I think that everyone has the ability to decide for themselves that they’re not gonna let anyone tell them how to love their kids.”
My conversation with A. Rochaun was familiar and affirming—as if talking to a cousin or sibling about our mother. Throughout our chat about her mom’s way of showing love rather than articulating it verbally, I saw my relationship with my own mother reflected back. What was different about A. Rochaun was the amount of grace and understanding