“I gave it to him,” he replied flippantly. “He’s cute. I’d totally take him out.”
Growing up my mom always told me that I needed to be careful about my facial expressions. When I was in elementary school I would be sent to the office multiple times a week for rolling my eyes or frowning when someone said something I didn’t like.
“You’re very expressive,” she would tell me. “And that’s okay. It’s a good thing. But there is a place to show your emotions and there is a place to hide them.”
This is one of those times where I should not have let my expressions speak for me, but my face disagreed because David was already apologizing for being stupid and not thinking about what he was saying.
“He’s cute but that doesn’t mean I want to date him, I was just being polite,” he argued while I was packing the book into my backpack. “Come on please talk to me. I came here today for you. I want to talk to you.”
“David, I came here so we could try to make this work. I want to make things with you work. I want it so bad. I want to not feel like I made a huge mistake by losing you.”
“I get that and I want the same…”
“You don’t though,” I said, my tone getting more and more annoyed. “We break up and within weeks you’re sleeping with some gono boy, and then you give it to me in a Taco Bell parking lot.”
“I know and I said I was sorry for that but come on-“
“I’m not done yet,” I interrupted him, my voice growing louder. “And then you come over to my place again just assuming that I want to sleep with you, and you say you're sorry and you cry in my arms and now you’re going to do the same thing to the barista boy over there. And you’re going to brag to me about it? Like I’m your best gal friend?”
The entire room was looking at us now. I was standing over David, still in his chair. He tried to say something but the words were stuck in his throat.
I still had plenty to say and had no problem saying any of it. But I wasn’t going to waste any more of my time.
“I hope you figure out,” I said gesturing at him in a circular motion, “whatever all of this is.”
And then I left.
Dating App
I watched the glass of my phone as the square-shaped icon loaded an app onto my device. When it finished loading and the dull colors became fully vibrant, I hesitated to open it. A dating app. Something I hadn’t tried before. But my friend, Jon, had just used this app to meet the man that he is now dating. So, I figured what’s the worst that could happen?
I clicked on the icon and my phone turned black, only the small green logo in the center of the screen. It asked me for a username and a password, a photo of myself, what I was looking for specifically, and some general age and height stats.
My fingers felt heavy as I typed the words into the text boxes and uploaded photos of myself that had been pre-approved by Jon, and soon, I had an entire profile set up.
It felt strange to me that this was the new normal way to meet people. As if parties or nights out or introductions by mutual friends could no longer cut it.
The main screen of the app looked like an early 2000’s chat room. A list of profiles like a ladder down the side with an option to “chat” or “wave.”
“Now what do I do?” I asked Jon who was sitting sideways on the chair across from me at the bar.
“What do you mean,” he said. “You just look through and talk to someone you think is cute.”
“You know, I really don’t think this is for me. I mean like how do you actually get to know someone through something like this. It feels impersonal.”
“Ugh,” he started in his complaining voice. “Why does everything have to be so serious with you?”
I closed the app and set my phone on the table. My face fell into my hands. At this point, I had been single for so long that dating didn’t even feel like it was worthwhile. I took a sip of my gin and tonic.
“This is exactly why this is for you. I think you need this,” he said. “Just chill out. Chat with some guys and don’t take everything so personal. Just have a good time. It doesn’t have to be love.”
“I just don’t see the point,” I said as my phone vibrated on the table. A new message notification. “Why should I even read it?”
“Because you deserve to have some fun for once.”
I didn’t like it. But I thought maybe Jon was right. Maybe it had been too long since I let loose a little. I slide my finger across the screen of my phone and opened the app to see what was in store for me.
Date One
I sat alone at a table in a bar I had never been to. Dimly lit chandeliers and booming music, I was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to find me in the dark storm of a dive.
We had plans to meet at 7pm but I was always annoyingly early and was sitting at the table by a quarter till. My collared shirt freshly pressed, my strawberry hair gelled in a swoop and I actually went and bought an expensive smelling cologne all to make a good first impression.
Coming into this date I think I was somewhat excited but mostly terrified. There were just too many outcomes to meeting someone you know nothing about. What if he looked nothing like his pictures? What if he chewed with his mouth open? What if he tried to kill me? It seemed pretty far-fetched, I know, but we have all heard those stories.
The music in the old bar took a turn to a slow and steady romantic song, and like out of a movie, I saw him walking towards me. Jason with his blonde hair that hung down by his ears and glittery green eyes that stood out from across the room. He looked almost more attractive than his pictures on the app.
He approached the table, smiled, and quizzically asked if I was who he thought I was.
“I am him,” I said and smiled. “I hope I look how my pictures look!”
“You look exactly like I thought you would,” he said with a shy laugh. “So nice to meet you in person!"
“Good! Same to you,” I said. “Please have a seat. The server came by but I told him I’d wait till you got here to order a drink.”
“How polite of you,” he said smiling.
“It’s a Midwesterner thing,” I said with a wink. “New Yorkers like yourself usually say we are too polite.”
When the server swung back around he took our drink orders. I asked for a gin and tonic as per usual and Jason got a mule. We decided to order a chips and salsa appetizer to share.
“So,” Jason started as soon as we had our drinks in hand. “What is it that you looking for?” I was shocked at how casual he was about such a big question, and so early in the evening. But I guess better to get it out of the way, instead of wasting any time.
“Um, wow okay!” I said laughing. “I, um, I don’t have any super specifics, but I know that I want to go on dates and find someone that I can have a solid relationship with. Someone to travel with. Someone to go to concerts with. Um, someone to eventually become more.” I was starting to ramble so decided to stop and turn the question back on him.
“I’m looking for something similar,” he said. “It’s so hard to meet good people who want more than a one night fling.” It’s like he was reading my mind.
“I feel that too,” I said. “Especially in the gay community…and in such a big city.” He nodded in agreement.
The