Kate Rose, 20-year-old non binary person
You have to be happy with yourself. If you can be happy, nothing else matters. Surround yourself with those who appreciate you for who you really are, and don’t hesitate to say goodbye to those who don’t. Even if the person is family, like my dad was to me, they don’t need to like or understand your path through life, but if they can respect it and like the fact that you’re happy, that’s what matters.
Darren, 20-year-old trans man
My advice to young teens is to find a good source to talk to – whether it be a family member, a friend, a teacher, or even a stranger online – who can know what you’re going through and be able to help you out. Or even just to use as a vent for your feelings. For me this initially came in the source of two close friends who were there for me from the start of me questioning. I know that some people aren’t going to be as lucky as others in regards to how everyone around them reacts, but there will at least be some people who can sympathise with you and help you through these tough years. The world is becoming a more and more open place about LGBTQIA+ issues, so keep your head up and know that even though there may be haters, the trans community is here for you!
Charlie, 18-year-old trans guy
Coming out changed my life. It was like [I] was finally able to see glimpses of a possible future. For the first time there was the potential for me to do something with my life and have something to live for. My parents didn’t see it the same way. They saw it as a fad that I’d been brainwashed into and accused my doctors of forcing me into treatment too quickly (at this point all I was getting was counselling). Not knowing how close they’d been to losing a child to suicide they told me that it felt like the child they loved had died. At my worst moments they made me believe that if I’d have killed myself I’d at least have given them closure. I fought through it and found a community who supported me at the times when my parents couldn’t. Despite a very rocky start our relationship is well on the mend. There will probably always be scars in it, but I’m proud of how far they’ve come.
NEW NAME, NEW BEGINNING
Finding a new name and starting to use different pronouns are often some of the most important things that you can do as a trans person beginning your journey – they are a validation of your identity and who you are. These changes symbolise a new chapter in your life and put you on a new course – a course which you chose to take for yourself. It means that you are no longer living your life as your assigned gender or for other people. You have taken the step to live according to your own truth, as your authentic self.
If that sounds a bit too dramatic for you, know that it’s also an exciting time for you! You get to choose from literally every name out there. You don’t have to consult anyone at all and you can choose the most cool, hardcore name ever. Or you could go with something casual and laid-back. The power is yours! A lot of people don’t have this incentive, so we view it as one of the perks trans people have. Even though pretty much anyone can in theory have their name changed, it can never really compare to a trans person changing their name and starting to use it. There is something so liberating about it, as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And whenever someone actually says it, you get this fuzzy feeling. ‘Is that the sound of someone validating me as who I really am?’ It sure is!
Back to the matter in hand – the possibilities are almost endless! There are many ways to approach it. Some people think of names that might mean something special to them, such as nicknames they had, a name they used for a character or as an artist name or something they’ve already used in some capacity. Others search for similar names that are close to their old one or have some sort of a connection to it. Some people go for something completely different and new because they can’t bear to be reminded of their old name and want to start off fresh.
PERSONAL STORIES
Lewis, 28-year-old trans man
When I was choosing my name at the age of 17, I played with the idea of many different names that were completely different to my birth name. But then I realised I didn’t really have a problem with my birth name, it just outed me as female. So I came to the conclusion it would be better to just adjust it slightly to the male version of that name – from ‘Lois’ to ‘Lewis’. I kept my middle name, which is ‘Joy’, because my mum chose it for me, and to be honest I see it as an emotion rather than a feminine name.
It’s often good to start with what names call out to you and what names are out there. Looking through naming books, Google searches and writing a few ones down is always a good plan. Consult with your friends, ask them what they think and even consult your parents if you’re so inclined. Some parents would be so delighted to be a part of the process and it often makes them feel more connected to you and your journey. It’s a good way to strengthen some bonds, especially if your parents are grieving. But you are of course under no obligation to include anyone in this process. It’s about you and what you want to do, and it’s about what you want to be called. That’s pretty important stuff.
Even if you start using a certain name and then don’t feel like it fits, it’s perfectly fine to change your mind and find something that really does. A lot of trans people go through a few names before they settle on one. There’s nothing written in stone, and it’s not a big deal to test a name out and try to find what really suits you.
Owl/Ugla, co-author and non binary person
I’m from Iceland, where it’s quite common that names are also names for animals or have another meaning, such as bird names. My parents made a decision to give us all first names that were birds, and named my older brother Þröstur (Robin), me Valur (Falcon) and my youngest brother Örn (Eagle). So when it came down to finding a new name for myself at the age of 17, I wanted to honour the tradition and to choose another bird name that was more fitting. I looked for a suitable name with some friends, and as a joke Ugla (Owl) stuck to me. It’s a pretty unique and uncommon name in Iceland, so we found it a bit funny. But somehow I grew fond of this name and it ended up being the name I chose. It’s also a tradition in Iceland to give children second names that are related to your grandparents. My old middle name Stefán (after my grandfather) so with the help of my parents I decided to change Stefán to Stefanía (which also happens to be my mother’s second name).
PLEASE ASK ME MY PRONOUNS
Pronouns are equally as important as names. Pronouns are also an indication of how you want to be seen and they reflect your identity. So it’s important that you find a pronoun that fits you, whether that is sticking to the one you already have or starting to use a new one. The most common pronouns are the masculine and feminine ‘he/him/his’ and ‘she/her/hers’. There are a few gender neutral pronouns out there, but the most common one is the singular gender neutral pronoun ‘they/them/theirs’. People will often claim that it is only a plural pronoun and that using it for one person is grammatically incorrect. In fact, the singular pronoun ‘they’ has been used for centuries and is a fully recognised singular pronoun in the English language.
But more importantly, regardless of whether it’s in the dictionary, it’s a valid pronoun which many trans people use and that should really be the only justification anyone needs. Dictionaries are often a bit behind changes that occur in languages over time. Words become words when we start using them and they gain meaning. That’s literally how words are created and introduced into languages!
So finding a pronoun that fits you is important. Just remember that you can always try out different pronouns to see how they feel and that different pronouns can work for you at different times. It might often take the people around you some time to get used to this and they might mess up quite a lot, especially to start with. Most people who love and support you will make the effort to use the right pronouns though, and it’s important