Coming out and actually telling someone ‘I’m transgender’ was a prospect far too scary to even consider. Instead I sank inside myself, jealous of people more brave than me, and all full of self-pity, and it’s all because I was too scared to just tell anyone that there was something wrong with me. It took being completely low, down, and beaten for me to finally tell my partner Tracey, who has been so supportive. I’ve put her through hell this last year or so and for that I’m truly sorry. Despite how scary it was, and despite how scary it still is, it will get easier, and that’s why now I’m able to close my eyes, hold my breath, and send this to all of you, something that I wasn’t sure I’d ever do.
I’m writing this letter to everyone in my life so that you all can know what I’m going through, because I feel like it would be unfair for you to not know. I know you didn’t ask for me to spill my heart out like this, and I know it may be shocking to even hear it. I don’t expect you to write back with encouragement, give me three cheers or be my support group. I just don’t want to give people the wrong impression of me anymore, and this letter is my first step in showing you who I really am. If this means you don’t want to talk to me or be around me anymore, that’s okay. I really do understand. I can’t ask for acceptance from everyone. I don’t even really expect it. I just want everyone to know who I am and why.
For the near future, know that my transition is under way. Things will be changing about my dress, my mannerisms, my voice, my looks, but keep in mind that beneath it all I’m still the same person. Same likes, same dislikes, same jokes (sorry about that), same tastes. I know it’s going to be strange, I know it’s going to be different, and I know most of you have never had to go through this before. It’s okay, neither have I. I know there will be awkward situations. I know I’ll be accidentally called Ian and referred to as a male, and I know it will feel weird having to correct yourself when it comes to these things. I expect it, and I’m fine with it. I also expect questions, lots and lots of questions, and I want them to be asked without fear. I’m an understanding person, and I understand how weird this might be for some of you, and I want to minimise that as much as I can for everyone’s sake.
I’m writing this to all of my family, friends and colleagues but it is the people that I’ve known the longest that this will probably affect the most. People who I’ve known since my childhood, who have seen me grow as a person and seen me change many times in many different ways, but never this much. I do feel like I should say sorry to you for keeping this a secret for so long, for building up a wall between us that I led you to believe didn’t exist. I’m not sorry for who I am, but I am sorry for who I made you believe I was.
We only get one short life and everyone deserves the right to live it as their authentic true self. Since coming to terms with all of this, I’m already a happier person. I am taking my life into my own hands, and I’m going to live it the way that I deserve to live it. I cannot and will not go on denying who I really am.
This is my life, my story, and this is the next chapter. I hope you will all be part of it.
Love to all of you,
Amy-to-be, Ian-for-now.
COMING-OUT STORIES
One parent once described their experience of their child coming out in a very heartwarming way. They lived quite far apart, so the trans person (who was a trans woman) came out to her mum over the phone. After their conversation, the mum decided that she needed to visit her child, so she booked a flight immediately and travelled to meet her. Throughout the journey she felt a sense of grief. She felt as if she had lost her son. As she met with her child in the arrival hall of the airport, she suddenly realised that she had not lost a son at all – she had gained the daughter who was there all along. Her child was finally who she really was and she was delighted and excited to get to know her child as their true authentic self.
Below are some quotes and advice we gathered from trans teenagers about coming out.
Silas, 17-year-old non binary person
I first came out to my friend who is LGBTQIA+ herself so she understood completely. Then I told my therapist. She was really supportive and listened to my hopes and fears about realising that I am trans. I reluctantly came out to my parents after their incessant questioning forced me to. My dad understands the whole dysphoria part of it as he is a psychiatrist. My mom not so much. She is very angry and feels somewhat betrayed by the whole matter. It is okay to be unsure. It is your identity and no one else’s. All that matters is you are happy, you are not hurting anyone by being yourself. You are queer enough and you are trans enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are enough and you are loved. Never forget that.
Lauren, 12-year-old trans girl
At first I was really worried that nobody would accept me and I’d be forced to live as a boy. I came out to my mum over text and she was great about it and we agreed to tell my counsellor at school.
Noah Kendalr, 22-year-old trans guy
I first came out to my twin sister, when I was 15. She was my first support and accepted me for who I was. I certainly feel I wouldn’t [have] made [it] this far without her. Coming out is a terrifying process at first. I was so scared about rejection, but that didn’t happen at all, regarding family or friends. I’m certainly aware of how lucky I’ve been to get the support system I needed to continue my life the way I want! When you are 15 years old, it’s hard to take the courage to stand up for yourself, but it’s worth the fight in my experience. Now that I’m 22 I’m more proud of myself than I’ve ever been. I still struggle sometimes but it’s part of life, and life’s definitely worth living the way you feel inside.
Alex, 20-year-old trans guy
Being trans is hard. There are always people arguing that we don’t exist or we are crazy, and the internet is full of trolls. But just try and remember they’re not right and you’re not alone. The trans community is beautiful, diverse and loving. Some people have a lack of understanding and education but you know who you are, and you are beautiful. Times are hard but being true to yourself is the most precious gift you can give the world.
Jamie, 20-year-old non binary person
It’s important to have integrity and honest[y] during your life as someone who falls under the trans umbrella. Take your time, allow yourself to feel things that you’ve not felt and be in the knowledge that this is okay. Be patient with yourself and don’t become the ugly duckling amongst groups of people. Whether it be in person or online through social media, try and find your tribe.
Hastur, 17-year-old trans woman
The important thing is to have support. With my guidance counsellor at school being supportive, and my mum being so supportive, and my real friends being supportive, nothing could stop me being me. Occasionally I doubt whether the transitioning is the right path for me, and it can make me really emotional, but I’ve discovered that if I think about all the positives that have happened since I started, I feel happy with myself.2
Nate, 17-year-old trans man
Actually be your authentic self. When I came out I felt really pressured to be more masculine than I was to be a valid man. And then I felt really pressured to be more feminine to feel included in the community and like not be a Big Bad Man. And I totally lost who I actually was, all [the] while proclaiming I was on the journey to being my authentic