Building My Shield
I mentioned in the “Lessons I Learned Along the Path” section about talking with others about what you are going through. It truly seemed like everyone had a sister, or a cousin, or a friend, who had gone through this and asked me if I wanted to talk with them about their ordeal. From the very beginning I learned to simply say “NO, thank you”. Some people felt that I thought my experience was much worse than the one they knew about, and that was the reason why I didn’t want to talk to their person. Others thought I was being rude, or something else. I reflected on why I was so adamant about NOT talking to others about the journey at this point. I am not normally a rude or nasty person, so I felt there had to be something else going on in my mind that caused me to close people out. However, I wasn’t shutting them out from supporting me; I just didn’t want to hear any negative stories that would affect my positive attitude.
There are a lot of great support groups out there to help people cope with a breast cancer diagnosis, treatments, and related feelings. For example the Reach for Recovery, I Can Cope (ironically, I teach for then now), and Look Good, Feel Better programs, all offered through the American Cancer Society, are excellent, if you feel you need support for you and your family. Many hospitals offer support programs, as do smaller groups located in many communities. Check with your healthcare professionals for possible support groups in your area. Only YOU can make this determination as to what you need.
After a great deal of reflection, I realized that what I was doing was actually PROTECTING MYSELF. In fact, I came to refer to it as “my shield of protection”, or simply “my shield”. My shield was protecting me from anyone or anything that was going to put the slightest negative thought in my head. It had been a few days since I had an overwhelming feeling that I was dealing with cancer, and I was actually “okay” with what was happening. I certainly did not like it, but I was dealing with the situation.
I cannot emphasize enough that at this point I could not change what was going on inside my body, but I certainly could change how I looked at the journey and how I was going to respond. Negative thoughts can be placed so easily in our subconscious, and mostly by innocent comments being made like, “Well, I don’t know if what you are being told is the best advice...”, or one of my favorites, “Now, I know this won’t happen to you, but let me tell you about the awful experience my (mother, sister, friend, etc., fill in the blank) had when she was dealing with breast cancer”, or something to that effect. I said before that I had the utmost confidence in Dr. B and I was going to protect myself at all cost. Let’s face it, he was the head of my humor and recovery team, and I was going into surgery knowing that this man was going to be a key part to my survival! I knew that God was going to be guiding him during the surgery, but he was my human link to the beginning of a true cancer-free recovery. Keep a record of everything and don’t be afraid to build your own shield of protection.
Lesson Four –Develop a personal mantra and use it to replace any negative thought that squeezes its way into your head. This can be a single word, a phrase, a short song, whatever works for YOU to replace the negative with the positive. Remember, your brain can only process one thought at a time. Don’t waste your brainpower on the negatives!
Chapter Four
The Diagnosis and Prognosis
“Worry is a misuse of the imagination.” — Unknown Author
On Thursday, October 11, 2001, I was scheduled to meet with Dr. B to discuss the test results. I had my “pinky swear” friend, Mary, to accompany me for a variety of reasons. First, for moral support, second, I felt that maybe her perspective would offer a different interpretation of what the doctor was saying, and third to ask any questions she could think of that I might have missed. Keep in mind, this can be a very trying time and although we think of a thousand things to say before we get there, sometimes our minds just go blank when we arrive in the office.
My appointment was not until 1:00 in the afternoon, and I can tell you that the morning seemed to last forever. I had purposely scheduled a long meeting at work so that I knew my mind would be occupied elsewhere for at least a little time while I waited for the “moment of truth”.
At the appointed time we arrived in the doctor’s office, camera in hand, and clown noses in my bag. I already realized that this meeting would not be all cheery and sweet, so I brought the noses along as a supportive measure. I wasn’t sure who needed it more, the doctor, or me! I didn’t know him very well, but I knew I wasn’t going to be the usual patient – I had already hired members of my Humor Team, but more about that later!!!
I didn’t think I was really nervous until I had to wait for Dr. B to arrive in the room. It took almost 25 minutes, but that 25 minutes may as well have been 250! I was in the examining room by myself, until Mary was summoned and I think I looked at every square inch of the room. I lay down, I sat up, I counted the number of tongue depressors in the canister (16 if you would like to know). I was really working up the nerve bunnies when Dr. B arrived. I told him I had someone with me and the camera, so please don’t say anything yet. I was so afraid of missing something really important in the exchange.
He laughed and said, “Okay, okay, just let me take a look at you for a minute.” Ahh, that was so sweet, well, it was until I realized he meant the bandage covering my left breast!! Of course I knew that was what he meant, remember, it was stressful waiting!! (Looking back, the whole scene was almost surreal and like something from a comedy film. Hmmm, a film of my life – I wonder who they would get to play me? Maybe I can check with Dolly Parton, as she is one of my favorites! There might have to be a few, or at least a couple (wink-wink) costume adjustments needed, but she would be able to play the role very well!!
He said everything looked good and he asked the nurse to go summon Mary and that he would be right back. Closer to the moment of truth – hurry up, let’s get on with it!! When everyone was seated, camera rolling, he began. For the next 36 minutes (one of the advantages of having it taped – it has a timer), he calmly and thoroughly told me the diagnosis and answered every question I had. If your doctor does not do this, tell him or her that you really need to have the opportunity to talk and ask questions, and most importantly, have them answered to YOUR satisfaction. Make sure your doctor explains everything, and in language YOU can understand. If you don’t know the definition of the terms he or she uses – don’t stop asking questions until you do. No matter how minor you think the questions are, remember, this is YOUR body and YOUR life.
I knew Dr. B was very busy, and I didn’t want to waste his time, but we were talking about my LIFE. I wasn’t just a patient, but a real live person who had a cancer growing in her breast. I needed to know what was going on and I needed to know now. There was never one second that I felt Dr. B was rushing me, or his responses (another part of my thankful list!).
My diagnosis was a 2cm invasive carcinoma in the left breast located directly under the nipple. In some books, there would be a series of technical jargon from this point, but I believe the technical information can be covered in books written by better authorities on the matter.
One of the best things Dr. B did for me was to take the booklet, “Breast Cancer Treatment Guidelines for Patients”, a very informative publication by the American Cancer Society and the National Comprehensive Cancer Network, off the shelf and highlight everything pertinent in the book as we were discussing it. This was extremely helpful as the book contained a decision tree – the kind that says, “if this is the case, then here are your options – if this other is the case, then these are your options, etc.” The technical information was something I could then read and re-read, look up, study, and understand when I was able to think