We had enrolled them in baton classes at age three and in acrobatics at age four. Later they took piano lessons. It didn't matter that we couldn't afford all these things...everyone else was doing it, so we had to do it too. The girls cried, saying they didn't want to take the lessons, but we plodded on, determined that they would get all of the "advantages" we hadn't had.
Were we taking giant step after giant step going progressively backwards? We enrolled the girls in a private school. When they were in elementary school, we pushed them into community theatre, Brownies, and Bluebirds. In junior high, it was the precision drill team, choir, Girl Scouts, voice lessons, in high school -- everything that was offered for them.
It was the same with our son. I remember one conversation over a new shirt in which he said, "No! I don't want a shirt like that. I might have to play what it shows." The shirt we were looking at was one with a football player on the front of it, and there was a look of fear on his sweet seven-year-old face. I thought of the previous year's football season when we had pushed him into playing tag-flag football. He hadn't wanted to play, but all of the other boys his age were playing. So we wanted Anthony to play too. How could a red-blooded American boy not like to play football! However, I did remember the coach was fanatical in his desire to win and took the game a little too seriously for seven year olds. And, all that candy the boys were supposed to sell! They had to sit on the bench if they failed to sell their dozen bars by a certain time. But I was so embarrassed when Anthony would not get into the game and fight!
And you know what? We mothers were vicious! If there is ever a group of people "possessed," it's a bunch of mothers of children playing sports. Each mother sees only her "star."
Our son would much rather have been drawing or making a model than being out there trying to compete in a football game, but when others asked if our son was playing pee-wee ball (or whatever the sport of the season was), we wanted to be able to say "yes."
Many of us have been watching our children since birth and saying to friends through the years, "Our son is going to be a doctor (lawyer, dentist, architect, singer, etc.)." Many of us seize every opportunity to persuade our children into the profession WE desire for them with no regard for their wishes or their particular talents.
For instance, our friend Norman heard from the day he was born that he would become a doctor like Uncle Frank. He went through all the schools and was a doctor for ten years before he finally yelled, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR! I want to work with well people, not sick people. I never wanted to be a doctor!" He finally entered the profession of his choosing and today is an excellent consultant helping make well people better by training them how to cope with their life situations.
Once I began to realize what we were doing with our children, I began to ask myself some soul-searching questions: Did I have to accept the all too apparent fact that my children were not me? Did my children need assistance in finding the right place in life?
When Dee was working at Taperdown and the Nancy Taylor Finishing School during high school, and Emily was working at Bonanza and Montgomery Ward, each familiarized herself with the working world. Each child explored her own talents while we looked on and asked ourselves, "What does she really enjoy doing, and in what area does she seem to have a special talent?" I mused, "Did God give each one a special talent where there is a vacancy in the world that only she can fill? Is our greatest burden to allow that sleeping giant within to reach its full, untapped potential?"
And what about the power to cope...to meet dangers and difficulties firmly. That takes courage. Had I helped them learn this, I wondered.
Today our older daughter is interested in acting, modeling, and singing -- the glamorous fields I always wanted to succeed in. Have I led her to pursue the wrong value system? Too late I've had to admit that my acceptance of me as she was growing up was too often based on her popularity. For too many years I searched for happiness in my children. Too late I was learning the number one priority in child rearing is to love them as they are and not as I wished they were.
Psychologist Dr. Ken Olson has said in his book How To Hang Loose in an Uptight World that, "Love, like listening is a decision…not to criticize or judge, not to hear words, but to hear the children...not to over-react…to let go of bitterness and resentment...to make a decision to be happy, joyful and glad with a terrific sense of humor." Was he right?
My mother once told me, “There are no fixed rules that have been laid down as to how to rear children. Of course, there are general rules, Bonnie, and you've heard them – ‘Train up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord…provoke not your children to wrath.”
Is it really possible for parents to train up their children in the way they should go?
What were the answers? Were the efforts--these "children's projects" (the finest clothes, the best schools, neighbors, neighborhoods, the "in" activities)-I was claiming for them or for me?
Perhaps if there were to be any happiness in my life, it would have to be from my own accomplishments -- since it wasn't in my mate or my children.
Our older daughter would waitress in a night club if it meant she could sing during the 'happy-hour.' Hadn't I taught her to take every opportunity to perform? Our other daughter left home the minute she turned eighteen, and our son wanted to be at a friend's home or anywhere but at home. No, my happiness would have to come from my own power, position, and prestige, I decided.
ANALYSIS-ACTION
This Analysis-Action section will give you a change to explore your own relationship with your children. It’s a chance to examine and think out what’s going on in your life in this area.
Let’s ask ourselves some questions to focus our thinking about our kids:
•How can we improve our relationship with each of our children?
•How can we inspire each of them to build his or her own self-esteem?
•How can we explore new lines of communication and build their confidence?
•Are our children happy and successful? (in terms of their own abilities)
•Are we helping them to grow and improve and be better prepared for adulthood?
•Do we accept our children as the individuals they are, then help them change and improve?
If we have used our children to further our own happiness, we can take head. There is a better way. If we seek God’s will in our lives and for the life of our children, we can build a life of our own based on a healthy self-image. That kind of self-image has its roots in God’s love for us, knowing how great God’s love is.
One of the ways we can begin growing in that God-given self-image is to see our children in His image too, to see them the way He sees them. The following chart can help us to do that by giving us some specific ways to help them grow into the best “them” they can be:
ANALYSIS-ACTION
Chrysalis Stage I-II
| Negative Characteristics | How to Reduce Them | The Positive Side | How to Encourage | BENEFITS |
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