By pointing out the windows are in bad shape Bill hopes that Joe will agree with him, and as a result, lower his price, but Joe is thinking that Bill will pay more if he keeps on hearing how nice the new parking lot is. Pigs will fly 747s before either of them changes his position on the basis of this arguing.
Welcome seven percent of the spoken word! Nobody listens any more, because they don’t like most of what they are hearing. If neither insults the other too much, they will deal despite their arguments. Both participants in this farce will give themselves credit for their great accomplishment and repeat the procedure next time. They have learnt nothing so their experience has zero value. Yet they feel they are accomplished negotiators, standing ready to advise others.
I met one of them recently. Talking about my work he looked at me in a funny way: “I don’t understand what you are teaching. I always buy for the lowest price...” The man was managing director of a company and self-appointed negotiator. Once in a long while I get someone like him in a training course and it is like explaining the colours in a movie to a blind person. He cannot even recognise the shapes or images but don’t get your hopes up of meeting many like him. An increasing percentage of professionals are aware of practical business psychology and you are on the road to joining them.
Slippery slopes
The person skiing backwards down the track will feel disoriented and confused. Sliding from an innocent conversation into negotiation has exactly the same effect. We don’t know where we are and have lost valuable ground that can never be regained.
There are no re-dos and failing to recognise the commercial implications is a costly affair. Sometimes it can close all lines of communication completely, making it impossible to move in any direction.
But see the next chapter for examples.
FOCUS: Ego rules!
ELABORATE: We pretend that the result is all that matters. This is not the case at all. Our ego is allowed to sit on the first row whenever we nEGOtiate.
SOLUTION: Everyone has a position worth defending. So long as we haven’t made any mistakes that are openly exposed we can keep our pride intact. The one factor playing a major role in negotiations is our precious ego. It is constantly in the way of reaching the best result. Above all, we want to appear smart and capable. This makes it so easy to charm anyone with unexpected messages that sound pleasant. Compliments are the secret path to Fort Knox.
Example
This man was angry with me because he did not like the tone of my email. Instead of allowing a war of words to escalate, I set up a meeting because I needed his office to represent me. First I let him cool down for two weeks – always a good idea. Of course I preferred hostile terrain – his office instead of mine. Here he felt at ease. That day I could almost feel the stress inside the building from the moment of entering.
After some talk about the awful traffic I started with the following words: “Now about our disagreement. The reason I wanted to speak to you today is that I never told you that I had my pick of people to work with but I chose you over the others because you represent the kind of qualities I find important in this business and in life itself. And I am not sorry that I did. Now that we have that out of the way, shall we talk about what is bothering you?”
Now this was over the top, I admit. An extreme test of my own material and I expected him to say that he had read my book and would not fall for this manipulation but, believe it or not, I never found out where his anger came from because it did not seem to matter any more. Mysteriously his problem had disappeared or maybe this is not so mysterious after all. When people feel insulted, they become angry. The more angry, the more personally they experience your unintended insult. Yet nothing is so serious that it cannot be overruled by a grand gesture.
When a deal seems impossible we look around to make up the difference, finding elements that are worth more to one party than to the other. That’s called a variable. In theory, the list of possibilities is extensive.
Example
If we stick to the example of the building and suppose that Bill really thinks the windows are so run down that the building needs new ones. In his head he will deduct the expense from his valuation so even if both go beyond their bottom line, they still cannot come to an agreement.
When, after days of standstill, Bill offers 2.2 and Joe goes all the way down to 2.4, they are still 100,000 apart that neither wants to give up, because Bill (in his mind) adds 300,000 to his 2.2, so his real offer is 2.5. He just fails to inform his counterpart, Joe.
Suppose Joe’s neighbour happens to be a contractor who has new windows in stock that he would like to sell for half price... then a variable has been born and the deal can now go through. It all hangs on one thing. Asking why.
If Joe does not ask that all-important question he will never be able to come up with the solution that is needed to close the deal. We will return to the pros and cons of variables later.
The outstanding result
FOCUS: How does one obtain an outstanding result?
ELABORATE: The word to remember is outstanding. You will distinguish yourself from others, who are satisfied with any result as long as their ego doesn’t get crushed in the process.
SOLUTION: To begin with, you, as an individual, must stand out from the crowd. You must appear outstanding, because everyone else seems satisfied with a mediocre result.
Tiny subliminal messages can accomplish this because exceptional people act... well, exceptionally.
The trick is convincing the other side to accept your most damaging facts, and they will not take that kind of information from just anyone. So if they remember just one person they met that day, week or year, make sure it’s you.
Our introduction is often rushed but I don’t see why. Later we may think about dominant or submissive handshakes. Most people know a firm handshake is the sign of a strong individual, period. There is much more to it and I could write a book about this segment alone but ... After shaking hands. Do you want coffee or tea?
Start here!
According to our prejudices, we separate coffee and tea people. The coffee drinker is more likely to move fast and may act nervous, or even aggressive. We suspect that the tea drinker has heart problems, or wears socks inside his sandals, and smokes pot. True or not, it does not matter. We all have slightly different notions depending on our upbringing and previous experiences.
Today you will not fit in ANY box
It is important that they cannot place you, because while they are looking, feeling, probing, and weighing every bit of your appearance… they will look and listen.
So I usually ask for special coffee, maybe double latte decaffeinated, or a certain fruit tea. They do not have it? Hum!
“Then just water please, no ice.” Or lots of ice, whatever you feel like. Within reason, be as difficult as you can. I promise that you can manage it.
At this stage they will expect easy answers because you do not want to be any bother, just match the wallpaper, so to speak. Most people blatantly disregard their own wishes when something big – like a major negotiation – is about to start. They are on hostile ground or a neutral place, still unfamiliar.. While you are picky at home, you won’t be when you are under pressure. When you