To use a common analogy, genuine happiness is like the depths of the ocean. The waves on top of the ocean represent the emotional ups and downs of life that come and go. They are transient, just as our feelings and circumstance are. They can be turbulent, calm, or somewhere in-between. Meanwhile, the depths of the ocean remain calm, connected to the waves but not caught up in them. In other words, genuine happiness is a deep sense of well-being and contentment that is available even in difficult times. The cultivation of genuine happiness does not mean we don’t feel emotions, such as sadness. Instead, it allows us to experience sadness without being caught up in it, thus avoiding feelings of hopelessness or despair. Genuine happiness is a well we can draw upon to sustain us through difficult times, and it allows us to flourish even in the simplest of activities.
The way we cultivate genuine happiness is not by collecting a long list of pleasurable experiences. It comes from within us. It is an inside job. It is cultivated by making healthy choices that are based in reality, in alignment with our values, and beneficial to others. In essence, we cultivate our genuine happiness by living a meaningful life. When we participate in life in a way we feel good about, in alignment with our values, we find inner peace regardless of the outcome or external circumstances. Conversely, when our actions violate our personal values we don’t feel good about ourselves, regardless of the outcome or circumstances.
Understanding this, we know it is not the external situations and outcomes that matter most in life; it is how we live our lives. It is not the house that brings us happiness; it’s how we came to get the house and what we do in it. It is not the job that creates happiness; it’s how we participate in the job and what we do with our work. It is not the relationship that makes us genuinely happy; it’s how we participate in that relationship. It is not making a lot of money that creates happiness; it’s how we make the money and what we do with it.
This is not to say that stimulus-driven pleasure is harmful or something to avoid. It is perfectly normal and healthy to seek pleasurable experiences and enjoy them. As I mentioned earlier, the problem does not lie in the experiences themselves; it lies in our unrealistic expectations that these experiences will provide a much greater level of happiness—or, for that matter, unhappiness—than they actually do.
If we understand that the events, activities, relationships, and circumstances of our lives will consistently give rise to only temporary experiences that are both pleasant and unpleasant, then we are free to enjoy the pleasurable ones while they last, and we are able to more effectively deal with the difficult ones. We need to understand the limits of the effects our outer experiences have and not confuse them with the source of genuine happiness.
The key distinction that determines whether an activity is simply a stimulus-driven pleasure or a cause of genuine happiness is the motivations and attitudes we bring to it. There is a subtle but important difference between doing something we feel good about and doing something that makes us feel good.
If we understand this distinction, we are able to transform all of our experiences, whether pleasurable or difficult, into opportunities to cultivate genuine lasting happiness. When our actions are in alignment with our values and beneficial to others and to ourselves, then we are doing things we feel good about.
Such meaningful activities are the essential ingredients of a meaningful life. Every time we reflect on these activities, we can feel good about our participation in them, and this gives us a deeper sense of value and well-being. On the other hand, if we participate in activities solely to seek pleasure for ourselves, without a deeper motivation tied to our values or living with purpose and meaning, then we will find our satisfaction is limited and fleeting. This applies to all of our experiences, whether they are painful, pleasurable, or somewhere in between.
For example, in 2006, my mother was dying in a hospital in Southern California. It was a difficult and challenging time for all of the members of my family. Though clearly I am biased, I can honestly say that my mother was an amazing and virtuous woman. My father passed away when I was only six and my mom was left to raise nine children alone. We did not have much money, but she always found a way to ensure our needs were met and let us know that we were loved. My mother endured incredible hardships, including the death of my sister in an automobile accident not long after the passing of my father. She worked full time, rode the bus, took night courses, and raised all of us. She had an incredible reservoir of compassion and inner strength, as well as a deep commitment to helping others. Throughout her life, my mother was a living example of virtuous activity. She was one of those rare people who had friends of all ages and backgrounds.
My mother had entered the hospital for a surgery and there were complications. Though we did not know it at the time, she would not leave the hospital alive. In the days and weeks after the surgery, there were times of hope and improvement, as well as setbacks and despair regarding her recovery. It was a difficult and challenging time for all of the members of my family.
However, as painful as it was for all of us, it is one of the experiences I can look back on and view as a time I was able to cultivate genuine happiness. I say this because, although this was a time of tragedy for our family, we were all able to be there for our mother, and for each other. We set up a schedule, taking shifts so she had one of us with her twenty-four hours a day. As her time came to an end, we were all able to be with her at her bedside. Before she passed, we were able to tell her she had done a good job with us and that we were all okay—this is what mothers worry about the most; they worry about their kids. We let her know that it was okay for her to go, and that we were grateful for everything she had done for us.
Although I feel tears beginning to flow and I am flooded with the emotion as I write this, I can tell you that being able to participate in her last hours in such a beneficial way was one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. It has contributed greatly to my well-being. Every time I reflect upon it, I am grateful for the way my family and I were able to be there for her, as well as for each other. While we all felt the sadness and loss that is a natural part of grieving, feelings of connection, gratitude, and warmth also enveloped this experience.
Consciously paying attention to our intention is the skill that allows us to transform our everyday experiences into meaningful ones. This is not just true of difficult situations, but also those that are pleasurable or even neutral. Any activity we consciously engage in with attention and intention is an opportunity to cultivate our highest potential. The key is to be accurately aware of our motivation.
Something as simple as having friends over for a meal can have different effects on us based on our motivation and engagement in the activity. Let’s look at two different motivations:
1. We are motivated to have friends over because we value them. We invite them over and, with love, prepare a meal for them we hope they will find delicious and nourishing.
2. We are motivated to have friends over to impress them with our cooking skills. We invite them over for a meal and hope they will enjoy it while seeing us as amazing in the kitchen.
In the first case, if our values include friendship, connection, generosity, and making others happy, our meal is clearly in alignment with our values, and the meal becomes a meaningful experience on multiple levels that creates a lasting sense of well-being. Even if the meal is overcooked or does not turn out the way we had hoped, we can still share an evening together that meets the goal of expressing how much we value the friendships.
However, if we carry over the same values to the second scenario, we will find our motivation—to