2. Values. Values are a critical component of mindfulness but, unfortunately, this is left out of many current mindfulness teachings. The source of finding inner peace, genuine happiness, and well-being is living a life that is in alignment with one’s values and is of benefit to oneself, others, and the greater good.
3. Wisdom. As we begin to increase our attention through meditation, we are more able to consciously bring awareness into our daily activities. We can start observing ourselves, others, and the world—more accurately recognizing unhealthy habits, tendencies, biases, projections, and emotional triggers in our lives. With this level of awareness, we realize the impermanent nature of emotions, thoughts, events, and identify the true sources of our suffering, as well as the true sources of our happiness and well-being.
4. Open-Heartedness. By cultivating the four immeasurable attitudes of equanimity, loving-kindness, compassion, and empathetic joy we consciously water the flowers instead of the weeds in our thoughts and actions. When we cultivate equanimity, loving-kindness, compassion, and empathetic joy in our hearts and minds, we grow the antidotes to attachment and aversion, hatred, ill will, and jealousy.
This book will provide you with a comprehensive approach to living mindfully so that you can live your life consciously, with attention and intention, cultivate genuine happiness, and create a meaningful life. It is a culmination of the wisdom of many teachers I’ve had the great benefit of learning from and training with over the last thirty years. These lessons have empowered me to live mindfully, transforming my life, and giving me the honor of helping others transform theirs.
I was once a young man filled with fear, insecurity, shame, and hopelessness. My early life was filled with anger, violence, and substance abuse. Even though, in my heart, I always wanted to be a good person, I wound up hurting everyone close to me. My best efforts led me to homelessness and having the mother of my daughter take her away from me because I was not a fit parent.
Fortunately, in the midst of great suffering I had a moment of clarity that changed my life. It was an undeniable realization and reached me at the very core of my being. Not simply an understanding or revelation, but an irreversible, intrinsic knowing. Like all great truths, it was something I had learned many times before but never truly understood. Quite simply, it was that all of my suffering was not caused by others, my environment, or how I was raised. My suffering came from how I lived my life. There was no one to blame but me.
At the same time, I realized my happiness was also dependent on how I lived my life. This was much more than knowledge or intellectual understanding of a philosophical view; it was a direct realization of that truth. For the first time in a long while I experienced a rising sense of hope that I could change and be able to lead a meaningful life.
That was in August of 1984. From that moment on, I gave up alcohol and other drugs and began the journey to transform my life.
I started to participate in twelve-step programs, which taught me the value of helping others. Ultimately, it was in these programs that I learned one of the most valuable questions that would shape my journey: Instead of asking “How can I feel good?” I was taught to ask “How can I help?”
Until then, my life had been focused on me—I was the center of the universe. Whatever circumstances, choices, or opportunities presented themselves, my concern was how it would affect me. This new perspective allowed me to get out of myself and truly engage with others. I found whenever I asked how I could help, I was empowered to improve, not only the quality of the lives around me, but my own as well. Instead of focusing on my circumstances, I started focusing on my intentional activities.
From that point on, whatever work I did, I tried to be as helpful and beneficial as possible. I was far from perfect and still am. I made, and continue to make, mistakes. However, just as a lump of coal can become a diamond over time, with that attitude, my job delivering auto parts turned into a management position. The shy, insecure, and awkward young man who used to live under a bridge then became a substance abuse counselor working with adolescents and families, a teacher working in a low-income minority high school, a father and grandfather, and a Buddhist monk.
I have had the rare opportunity to live in many different social and economic environments. I’ve been homeless and owned a home; I’ve been a dishwasher, an auto mechanic, and a corporate manager; I have lived in communities riddled with drugs and violence and in spiritual communities grounded in love and kindness.
Throughout all of these experiences, I have had the good fortune of encountering wonderful teachers whose lives embody their teachings. I have learned that regardless of outer circumstances all human beings share similar problems.
And I have seen there are proven, time-tested solutions to our problems that can empower all of us to cultivate our highest potentials.
1 Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change,” Review of General Psychology 9, No. 2 (2005):111–31, doi: 10.1037/1089-2680.9.2.111.
2 Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change,” Review of General Psychology 9, No. 2 (2005):111–31, doi: 10.1037/1089-2680.9.2.111.
“Happiness is a state of inner fulfillment, not the gratification of inexhaustible desires for outward things.” VENERABLE MATTHIEU RICARD
If we are looking for happiness in our lives, it is important to understand the difference between stimulus-driven pleasure and genuine happiness. Confusion related to these two concepts is at the core of many of our mental and emotional problems.
Stimulus-driven pleasure comes from the world around us. It requires a stimulus—a delicious meal, an award, a vacation, a concert—that provides a pleasurable experience. The pleasure is dependent on the stimulus. Or, in other words, the pleasure depends on outside circumstances.
The “good” feelings that are triggered from these circumstances are only temporary, and the stimuli do not consistently produce the same result. The same stimulus can trigger varying levels of pleasure and also create suffering. For instance, if you eat too much of the delicious meal or listen to your favorite song too many times, what was pleasurable can turn into a painful experience. At the same time, not getting your favorite meal when it was expected or having a vacation canceled leads to temporary suffering.
To be clear, there is no problem with savoring a delicious meal, having a nice vacation, or enjoying a concert. The problem lies in our unrealistic expectations that these experiences will provide more, or longer-lasting, happiness than they can. When we reflect on our lives, we find we have had numerous wonderful experiences, but we are still subject to stress, worries, sadness, fear, and anger. We can have the vacation of a lifetime, and a week later we are upset. Yet, in spite of this reality, our minds continue to tell us that if we can arrange enough pleasurable experiences in our lives, we will be happy.
One obvious problem is that we don’t have much control over the outer circumstances in our lives. While we can influence some of the factors in our lives, ultimately, we don’t have control over the economy, other drivers on the road, our friends, relationships, the weather, accidents, or even our own physical health. Another problem is that it is not actually the stimulus that provides the pleasure; it is how we perceive the stimulus. We can be on a beautiful vacation and feel miserable, or we can simply sit in our front yard and feel quite content. Our mental, emotional, and physical health have a direct effect on the degree of pleasure or pain we experience during any activity in which we participate. Despite this, we focus on external circumstances instead of how we are taking part in them.
Genuine