In reflecting upon and examining this phenomenon over the past thirty years through my own experience in recovery from addiction and my work helping others as a counselor, educator, and spiritual advisor, I have come to understand that, like a bad country song, we are usually looking for happiness in all the wrong places. We are trying to find it in people and things that ultimately cannot provide it and are largely out of our control. The best people, things, and circumstances can offer us is temporary pleasure. They can never provide lasting happiness.
But that is where we put our energy with the hope that if we can just line everything up correctly, we will be happy. We do this even though we know people (including ourselves) with good jobs, great relationships, prime health, lots of toys, and time for leisure are still subject to depression, anxiety, fear, worry, anger, frustration, and disappointment.
How is it that we continually fall into this trap?
One explanation can be found in the groundbreaking work of Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert, PhD. He explains that although our minds are exceptional and perform many functions extremely well, our faulty perceptions and cognitive biases can lead us to imagine the future inaccurately, particularly what will make us happy. He describes an “impact bias” that causes us to consistently misjudge how happy some things will make us and how unhappy other things will make us.
In his TED talk “The Surprising Science of Happiness,” Dr. Gilbert describes how field work and laboratory studies have shown that significant events, such as winning or losing an election, gaining or losing a romantic partner, getting or not getting a promotion, passing or not passing a college test, have a much smaller, less intense effect on us, and a much shorter duration, than we expect. He also cites research on major life trauma and happiness, which suggests that three months after such events, with few exceptions, there is no effect at all on a person’s happiness. This flies in the face of the most basic beliefs and assumptions that underlie many of the choices we make in our lives.
In a recent major shift in psychology from a primary focus on mental health problems to studying mental health and well-being, universities and researchers are now dedicating time and resources to studying the science of happiness, compassion, and altruism, among other related topics. The frequent area of focus is the cause(s) of happiness and the search for scientific answers to explain why some people are happier than others, even when they face similar life circumstances.
One of the most popular models coming out of this research states that outside circumstances in life are responsible for only 10 percent of our happiness.1 Yet, even with 90 percent of our happiness attributed to other factors, we are putting most of our energy into improving our circumstances.
According to this model, 50 percent of happiness is genetically determined. This is often referred to as our “set point.” You’ll notice that some people tend to be more pessimistic than others, and some people tend to be naturally happier and more optimistic. When things happen in our lives that we feel good about, we are happy for a little while then come back to our set point. Likewise, when things are challenging and create problems or stress, that too, passes and we again return to our set point. Reflect on your own life, and you will see this to be true. Life has its ups and downs, but our basic level of happiness over time seems to be pretty steady.
The final 40 percent of happiness is attributed to intentional activity such as thoughts, actions, and behaviors.2
So, according to this model, instead of just striving to improve the outer circumstances of our lives, it is much more important to look at how we think about, respond to, and interact with the people, events, and circumstances we encounter.
Another important recent discovery is the plasticity of the brain. Neuroscientific research has demonstrated that we can create new neural pathways and actually change our brain with intentional activities. Understanding this, if we are able to use our thoughts and actions consciously, we can rewire our brain and even change our genetic set point. In this way, we can directly affect 90 percent of the causes of our happiness—instead of seeking to better our circumstances, which affects only 10 percent.
While I find these new scientific developments interesting and insightful, I believe they only confirm the time-honored universal wisdom about the true source of happiness. The key to genuine happiness has never been a mystery; in fact, it can be found again and again in ancient wisdom, philosophy, contemporary psychology, our grandparents, and in the lessons we have been taught since childhood. In Plato’s Euthydemus, Socrates establishes clearly that happiness does not depend on external things, but on how they are used. Or as my Little League coach told me, “It is not whether you win or lose that matters, it is how you play the game.” Regarding our inner peace, well-being, and genuine happiness, what matters most is not what we have in life, but how we live it.
It is important to remember our circumstances are constantly changing and that they offer far less joy or suffering then we imagine they will. Though our circumstances, people, and the world we live in is always changing, there is something constant that we can depend upon: when we do things we feel good about, we naturally feel good about ourselves. This is a key point to understand and incorporate in our lives—our genuine happiness comes from doing things we feel good about, not from doing things that make us feel good.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with doing things that make us feel good; the point is that we will feel good only as long as the activity lasts. When we do things that we feel good about, we create a deeper and more lasting sense of well-being, inner peace, and happiness. Whenever we reflect on that situation, we have a sense of worth, value, and integrity.
It is actually a simple, straightforward, and measurable truth: When our actions are in alignment with our values and beneficial to ourselves and others, we feel better. As true and as simple as this is, it is extremely challenging to accomplish.
It is my hope this book will provide the tools and resources needed to reduce, if not eliminate, harmful mental afflictions and cultivate a deep sense of inner peace, well-being, and genuine happiness by living a life based in truth, aligned with your values, and beneficial to others. The way to achieve this is to learn to live mindfully.
These days, mindfulness has become popular in the mainstream, giving rise to a variety of evidence-based methods for reducing stress and improving quality of life. Simple mindfulness practices can help us become more present in the current moments of our lives, which reduces mental rumination on past events and worry about possible future ones.
Through these techniques, we discover most of the worries, fears, and concerns that dominate our lives are not actually present in the current moment. They exist only in our mind, and our untrained mind is constantly producing thoughts that take our attention away from what is happening now. Understanding this and being able to develop the skills to bring us back to the present moment allow us to find more calm and balance in our everyday lives.
However, this is not enough to truly transform our lives. Mindfulness is much more than present-moment awareness. It includes and facilitates the cultivation of concentration, wisdom, and the ability to make healthy choices that lead to genuine happiness and a meaningful life. Mindfulness is not an isolated skill; it is a practice embedded in a rich context of teachings and trainings focused on freeing us from suffering. The essence of this practice is encompassed by four areas: attention, values, wisdom, and open-heartedness.
1. Attention. We begin developing our attention by establishing a daily meditation practice. In this way we start training the mind to be present and attend