I have stopped thinking of normal as some perfect person, place, or ideal. Normal is right here, right now. I must learn to embrace life and live with normal on a daily basis. If I see normal as what other people are and I am not, then I cause myself unnecessary suffering. When I feel abnormal, I struggle to gain normalcy. When I struggle, I am uncomfortable. When I am uncomfortable, I seek comfort. When comfort is unattainable, suffering is unending. I did not enter recovery to be unhappy and uncomfortable. I entered recovery to get away from that misery, not to wallow in it. To be completely honest, if I had to live in misery I would probably go back to drinking, because “what’s the point?” When I drank, at least I knew to expect more misery and more drinking as the vicious cycle continued. Since I no longer drink or drug, I deserve something better. I want to be happy, comfortable, and serene.
Normal is not a form of perfection. Perfection cannot be found on this planet. Nobody is perfect, even all those “perfect people” I used to see everywhere. Normal is not what I want to be; normal is what I am right now! I can take normal with me everywhere I go, and I should, because it is important to be happy and serene, and I can do that if I feel normal. Perfection is not only out of reach; it is crazy to strive for it because if I could somehow reach perfection, I would still not be normal. I would not fit in and I would end up starting the whole cycle all over again.
Probably the biggest fib I have ever been told is: “Practice makes perfect.” Nothing makes perfect. Here is the plain truth: “Practice makes progress.” As long as I practice things every day, like brushing my teeth and doing my job, I will become more fluent in the things I choose to practice. What I should focus on practicing are those things I want to become better at doing. When I say focus, I mean think about what I am doing while I am doing it; it is thought coupled with action.
What do you think about when you are performing the very normal action of brushing your teeth? If you are thinking about other things, you are practicing that as a brushing habit. It will become your normal way of brushing your teeth. If, for example, I decided that from now on, when I brush my teeth, I am going to count the number of strokes I provide for each set of teeth to be sure that all of my teeth get a certain number of strokes, I could do that with ease. It would require only that I make a small change in the way I perform a small chore. Since it is something I do a couple of times a day, over time I could easily adopt this new habit. This new normal way of brushing my teeth would become so automatic that soon I would be doing it without even thinking. I no longer think about how I brush my teeth. Most people don’t. (This isn’t really a big deal as long as your teeth get clean!)
Tooth brushing is a positive habit; however, we often do things out of habit that affect our lives in negative ways. We need to stop to think about what we are not thinking about—and then think about it. Put another way, we must consciously develop an awareness of our actions. Humans are creatures of habit, and becoming aware of our habits is a skill that takes time to develop.
Once I realized this and began to become aware of my habits, I found that my brain remained on autopilot during habitual activities, so I started telling it what to think about and when. One of the directions I gave it was to start watching what I was not thinking about and not consciously thinking about, before taking action. I began to see that some amazing things had been happening without my conscious consent. Some of my thoughts and actions had become so automatic that I was not consciously aware of what I was doing, and so did not act in the manner I really wanted. One automatic tendency I discovered was giving other people credit as being normal for things that are not really too normal, at least not for me. One of these things falls directly into what I call the “Normie versus Alkie Syndrome”: the idea that being able to consume alcohol without consequences is normal.
Normal is different from one person to another, and we all decide what is normal for ourselves. Put another way, we decide that we can decide for ourselves. In accepting this one simple yet extremely important idea, we have made progress toward becoming normal. There is still work to be done, because we may need to redefine what normal really is, and if we are able do this we will become uncomfortable until we become accustomed to our new normal. My new normal includes not drinking alcohol or using other drugs. You can choose a new normal as well. I have chosen this new way of life and I cherish it. I want and need to protect my new sense of normalcy. However, I did not reach this new normal overnight. There was a process involved, a process that I was not even aware existed. It was a type of covert operation that took place in my head, my heart, and my soul. The process was assisted by my sponsor and those I trust in my program. The process surprised me. One day I realized my attitude about drinking had changed. Here’s how:
One Sunday afternoon I went to my brother and sister-in-law’s house for dinner. My brother is a talented cook; his wife does all the clean-up, and all I have to do is show up and eat. It’s a great deal for me, and it’s one I accept whenever they offer it, which they do on a regular basis. On this particular occasion they served spaghetti with all the trimmings, including a bottle of wine. When we sat down to eat, my sister-in-law began to pour herself a glass of wine, hesitated noticeably, looked at me with an “I’ve been so thoughtless” expression, and then asked, “Would it bother you if we had wine with our dinner?”
I was relatively new to recovery, and this was not something I expected. My sister-in-law hadn’t been thinking about drinking; she doesn’t have to. She isn’t alcoholic, and neither is my brother. They drink when they want, and stop when they think they have had enough, if not before. They are social drinkers. They planned to have wine with their dinner. They invited me without thinking about how my recovery would affect them. My sister-in-law began to pour herself a glass of wine—a perfectly normal thing for her to do—and suddenly realized it might not be a good idea because I was there.
I felt I had to answer her question, so I said “no” without thinking. I continued, saying, “It doesn’t bother me if you drink. It only bothers me if I drink.” Now, as I mentioned, I answered without thinking. I had practiced not drinking for a relatively short time, yet the results had far-reaching effects. My subconscious thought process began to take in the new knowledge that I didn’t drink because it bothered me to drink. This was a major shift in my thinking, and, in this case, it happened very naturally— so naturally, in fact, that I didn’t even notice what had happened until later that evening. My sister-in-law and I exchanged a couple of quick comments concerning alcohol, and then we went about having dinner. She poured herself and my brother some wine, I drank my soda, and we had a pleasant, unremarkable evening—unremarkable, that is, except for the lesson I was to learn from the event. Those two little sentences exchanged at dinner with my sister-in-law radically changed my view of what is normal and what is not when it comes to people.
People come in all shapes, sizes, looks, styles, colors, and types. I don’t understand people—probably most people. I do my best to be an understanding person, but I simply cannot understand why people do some of the things they do. Almost every day, I see people do things that baffle me. They pull out in front of me in traffic, treat their children in ways I could interpret as insane, and cross the street without looking because a sign says the pedestrians have the right-of-way. I don’t get it. But I don’t have to understand them for them to be normal. And it is not my place to understand everything. I must simply accept those things I don’t understand or would not do, those I believe I am unable to do, or those I simply choose not to do as being quite normal for other people.
Some people drink alcoholic beverages or use other drugs recreationally. I used to, but I no longer partake in these practices. The reason I quit has to do with the direction my life was headed. Using had consequences that became so intensely negative that I had to quit. Using in any way, even ways that did not result in my becoming completely loaded, became unacceptable to me; I realized it was abuse. It was when I discovered my new definition of abuse that I realized I might have a problem. My point is that many people don’t have the problem that I have. While this fact may not be a revelation to you, it may come as a surprise to you to realize