Mostly, girls know that how they feel about themselves is a function of what they achieve and accomplish. If they please, perform, and perfect, they feel good about themselves—and their self-esteem increases. Conversely, if they don’t please, perform, and perfect (their sign of “not good enough”), they feel unhappy with themselves—and their self-esteem decreases.
“You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” LOUISE HAY
Yet perfection doesn’t exist. The idea of perfection is simply that: an idea. We have constructed this elusive concept, but its very core is neither real nor realistic. Girls think that if they just push a little more, and they try a little harder, then they will be perfect; but since this place called “perfect” doesn’t exist, they never reach it. They simply try harder and push for more—perpetuating the destructive cycle that sounds like this: If I just put a little more time and energy into looking, living, and being perfect, then I’ll be loved and accepted. And when I feel “not good enough,” I’ll just put a little more time and energy into being “more” perfect.
And because perfection doesn’t exist, perfectionism is therefore based on illogical thinking. In the words of Brené Brown, a research professor in the field of social work, “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. . . it’s a shield.”1 Perfectionism can be a shield for girls, protecting them from what they are afraid of: failure, rejection, judgment, and vulnerability.
“To be self-compassionate is not to be self-indulgent or self-centred. Treat yourself with love, care, dignity and make your wellbeing a priority.” CHRISTOPHER DINES
If we can deconstruct perfection for girls, we can help them embrace the healthy foundation of being “perfectly imperfect,” where girls can see their uniqueness, areas of growth, things they are learning to do, and broken pieces as all parts of who they are. When coupled with their strengths, girls’ imperfections make them authentic and whole. By helping girls let go of the idea of perfection and grab on to the idea of personal best instead, we can help them accept a new perspective. If girls can see that life is a series of mistakes and failures, along with successes and triumphs, they can enjoy the process and relax into life. This kind of understanding of ongoing development is filled with self-compassion and self-acceptance, in contrast to the all-or-nothing harshness of perfectionism.
This is why teaching girls self-compassion is paramount. Self-compassion is being kind and understanding with yourself, without judgment or criticism, at the very moment you need it. Self-compassion is a powerful way to discover inner happiness and emotional well-being. It might sound like this: What a tough day. In this moment, I am experiencing discomfort. But, I can be here for myself and I can help myself through this difficult time. I am going to be okay! Self-compassion is there for the taking no matter what is happening—it’s there on good days and bad. It’s not contingent on any kind of performance.
In her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Kristin Neff contends that self-compassion is the perfect alternative to self-esteem, because it “offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.”2 Whereas self-esteem is about encouraging self-worth primarily through achievement, self-compassion says self-worth is unconditional because a person has worth on the inside, no matter what happens outside her.
According to Neff, self-compassion comprises three key components: First, self-kindness and the use of kind and gentle language when expressing a unique experience, especially in the face of difficulty or disappointment. Second, loving yourself with warm and caring self-talk and understanding that we all share a common humanity; for a girl, this means being able to see that, as “weird” as she feels as she grows and gauges how to fit in, she is more similar to other girls than she is different from them. And third, mindfulness—focusing on what is happening in the present moment, with less emphasis on the past or the future. Thanks to the research of Neff and others, people are beginning to see self-compassion as the essential tool it is.
You cannot tell a perfectionist to stop being perfect. She’ll look at you like you’re crazy. But you can encourage a perfectionist to slowly let go of big ideas of perfection and start shifting her focus away from a desired outcome and toward her real-life, real-time efforts. This means the emphasis is on working hard toward improvement and growth instead of on working hard for successful results and rewards. Self-compassion may just be the alternative for girls who are hard on themselves and self-critical, and who may disconnect when they experience a mistake or a moment of difficulty. By using self-compassion, girls can meet themselves where they are, simply noticing their efforts and accomplishments and refraining from self-criticism or focusing on what is left to do.
Chapter 6 explores mindfulness and will help you to help girls be more present and self-aware of sensory experience. Later in the book, when we look at social emotional learning (Chapter 21) and the growth mindset (Chapter 27), we’ll explore the interconnection between learning, self-belief, effort, and a positive attitude.
You can infuse a perfectionist’s journey with kindness and help her recognize her growth and progress. And you can guide a perfectionist to see perfectionism as a gift—and if she can open her special gift, she can see all the lessons in perfectionism, there to be explored and to help make her feel less stressed out and stronger.
CULTIVATING CONNECTION
Let’s talk about:
•What it means to be “perfect,” and whether she thinks perfection is a healthy goal. (Girls often associate perfection with feeling happy, being accepted, and being well liked by others.)
•The benefits of perfectionism (high standards, achieving goals, determination, hard work, effort, and achievement) and the drawbacks of perfectionism (stress, worry, anxiety, black-and-white thinking, feeling “not good enough,” and feeling that if she can’t be the best at it, she doesn’t want to try at all).
•Self-compassion and what it might mean to her: How would she feel if she was able to be there for herself, without judgment? Explain how self-compassion is a quality inside of her, to be used whenever she needs it.
READ MORE
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown
No Body’s Perfect, by Kimberly Kirberger
Nobody’s Perfect, by Ellen Flanagan Burns
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff
Let’s try:
•Practising a new skill together that neither of you has tried before, and giving each other permission to have fun and not worry about how good you are at it. Think a beginner’s class in drawing, pottery, hip-hop dance, or jewellery making.
•Celebrating your own mistakes as teachable moments. Pause to notice, then explain, that you made an error and now you are ready to learn and grow. This helps her to see that you make mistakes too, and that mistakes can be positive experiences.
•Practising using the phrase “good enough” throughout the day. For example, make cookies together, and instead of trying for perfectly round cookies, focus on “good enough” shapes. Focus on enjoying the process more than on achieving the finished product.
•Preparing for self-compassion: Take a jar or box and spend some time filling it with ideas of how she can be there for herself when she needs to be. Using small pieces of coloured paper, fill the jar or box with