What Lindsay Sealey offers in this accessible, applicable, and informed read is brilliant insight into the psyche of the growing girl. This insight forms the foundation of a call to action for parents, teachers, and other adults that Sealey most capably maps out. I have had the privilege of seeing Lindsay Sealey connect to countless parents and teachers, encouraging them to nurture the girls they are growing up. Her remarkable capacity to see through the noise of life and right into the hearts of the girls she supports in her work is what makes her the rarest and most brilliant gem. And it is exactly that wisdom that permeates every page of this book.
So often as adults we want strategies and tools and solutions. We want a magic list of steps to “fix” a perceived problem or sidestep our worries. But never has such a list been proffered that actually works. The problem with coming at things with preconceived lists is that they fail to honour the deeply seated emotional intricacies unique to each person. Lindsay Sealey knows this and has deftly avoided such a trap. Instead, she reveals the profoundly important need that all girls have to connect with their own self. It is only when a girl can find silence in the midst of the world’s chaos that she can truly see herself as a whole, soulful, and worthy being. From a place of understanding who she is, a girl can then confidently walk forward in sharing her light with the world around her. It is when we have connected to ourselves in caring and compassionate ways that we can then connect with others empathically and supportively.
As an adult, when you give a girl your time, your interest, your enthusiasm, your confidence, you create an environment for inner growth that will most certainly propel her forward in a way that she can then meaningfully connect with and contribute to her world. And from there, anything is possible. Change-maker, innovation seeker, compassion warrior. Whatever your girl sets her sights on will be possible when she has the most cherished experience of growing up in connection with you, connection with others, and eventually, connection with the world.
Growing Strong Girls provides the foundation for understanding why connection is so important—from the inside out. You can transform this understanding into action. Perhaps you only need some affirmation that you are on the right track, or maybe you are feeling absolutely bereft at having “lost” your girl to the pressures of the world. Either way, you have landed precisely where you needed to because you are reading this book.
As Lindsay Sealey will show you, there is always hope. Your girl needs you and all you need to do to be the answer for her as she charts her course forward is to be present. In your presence, you create a space for her to grow. There is an intangible invitation for her to exist. There is emotional safety and rest that releases her to find courage. And when a girl can connect with that, there is no telling what she will be capable of. If all the adults everywhere could live and breathe the wisdom contained in Growing Strong Girls, we could change the world. . . one strong girl at a time!
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych
Founder of the Wishing Star Lapointe Developmental Clinic and author of Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up Vancouver, 2017
Introduction
GROWING STRONG GIRLS. What, you may be thinking, is a “strong girl,” exactly, and how on earth does one grow one? Let me explain. Strong girls are those who use healthy ways to connect to their deeper self, and to the world around them. Strong girls listen to their inner voice and follow their intuition. They have a clear sense of self: they know who they are and what they need. Strong girls view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. They think for themselves, ask for what they need, set boundaries, and can stand up for themselves. Strong girls know they matter and have self-respect. They have the courage to stand strong in their truth and own their unique stories. They believe in themselves enough to step out of their comfort zones and take positive risks to live authentic and happy lives. This world needs strong girls—girls who are calm and authentic, who are bold and unapologetic, and who are true to themselves.
Strong girls know they matter
Yet growing up is challenging. All of you who were little girls or who love one will know what an understatement that is. And all too often, somewhere between ages nine and fourteen, girls who were born bold—centred and funny and uninhibited—lose their sparkle. A growing girl has so many changes to deal with all at once: a changing body, a changing brain, fluctuating emotions, and shifting friendships, among other life changes. As adults, we know well that life doesn’t let up and that our best defence is to cultivate inner strength so we can navigate all life’s challenges as they come. In the unpredictable, tumultuous time of these preteen years, girls need security; that is where constancy in relationships with family members, teachers, counsellors, and mentors becomes critical. In other words, if they are to be strong girls, they need us! They will do amazing things if given the conditions to thrive, and we, as caring parents, mentors, and teachers, can work to remove the barriers that get in their way. I know how challenging it is to watch girls grow up, and have felt that instinct to protect them from making mistakes and having to learn about life the hard way.
They will do amazing things if given the conditions to thrive
So, how do we grow strong girls? By cultivating connection. At the heart of everything I explore in this book is the value of connection: consistent, unconditional nurture, care, concern, and comfort. Connection is the feeling of being seen, heard, valued, and validated without judgment or conditions, leading to fulfillment and a deep sense of belonging and inclusiveness. Connection is the opposite of isolation, separation, and desolation. It is the sharing of experiences, whether successes and joys, or losses and pain. Such connection will keep girls on the path to strength, well-being, and success. When girls feel connected and safe, they can walk through life with a sense of certainty, security, and power.
After fifteen years and working with hundreds of girls, I’ve seen it all. Some girls find school and learning easy; others struggle to keep up. Some girls are social; others are shy. Some girls are athletic; others are artistic. Although a few girls are confident, most girls only seem confident while actually struggling with knowing who they are and with sharing their true voice and opinion. But one thing they all have in common is a desire to connect. I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t want to fit in and feel a sense of belonging and closeness. Yet, despite this yearning to connect, many don’t have the words, tools, or maturity to make it happen.
Girls want to know that you “get” them, but this is hard when they don’t always have the communication skills to articulate the realities of their world or the pressures they feel. One thing all the girls I’ve worked with have been clear about is that they feel misunderstood—“My parents just don’t understand.” Meanwhile, parents tell me they wish for a stronger connection with their daughters and tell me, “I can’t get through to her.” There is a way to understand each other again. My intention in this book is to bridge the gap, to be the interpreter between girls and those who seek to support and champion them, which I’ve been doing in my work as an educator and coach with hundreds of families. I’ve seen it time and again: instead of using the go-to tools of criticizing, blaming, and entering into power struggles, parents learn to listen better, empathize more, and think before responding. With sincere intention and repeated practice, making connection a habit, families do reconnect, and girls can get back on track.
There is a way to understand each other again
Today’s world teaches a girl—explicitly and implicitly—to disconnect from herself and to seek happiness and fulfillment outside herself.