Guess where I am now...???
ARMY
1.
Two guys joined the army and decided to get in the paratroopers.
They were about to jump for the first time and were really scared.
The instructor was trying to reassure them.
“Look,” he said, “all you have to do is count to ten and pull the cord and the chute will open but if it fails to open, count to five and pull the emergency cord and the other chute will open Then, when you touch down, the truck will come around and pick all of you up.”
They listened carefully but were still scared.
The day came for the jump. They climbed in the plane and the instructor went over the plans again trying to encourage them.————-but when it came time to jump they were so scared that he had to push them out.
On the way down they counted to ten and each one pulled his cord————- but neither chute opened.———— then they counted to five and pulled the emergency and only one chute opened.
The guy whose chute didn’t open hollered as he went by, “That’s just like the army ————-nothing works right and they’ll probably forget to have the truck pick us up, too!”
2.
The paratrooper was so scared about jumping that every time he thought about it he would stutter.
They kept reassuring him but he would answer, “I j-j-j-just don’t know if everything’s gonna w-w-w-work.”
The day came for the first jump. He was still nervous. The drill instructor told him, “Now don’t worry. Just count to ten, pull the cord and everything will be O.K.” The private answered, “well, I h-h-h-h-hope so. ‘
Everybody jumped one by one. The nervous guy was last. He jumped. All the chutes opened and they were floating down when they heard the private whizz by. His chute hadn’t opened yet and he was hollering.” “f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-five.”
3.
During the war some of the GI’s had hired a young
man to cook for them. They called him Charlie.
He did a good job, but they loved to play practical jokes on him. They would grease the handles on his pots, put water above the door to splash him and a lot of other things.————- They had a great time———————- but he didn’t!
One day, as the GI’s were talking, they decided that they had been giving him such a rough time that they ought to let up. They sent one of the guys to talk to him. “Charley,” he said, “we have been thinking about it and have decided that we have been playing too many tricks on you and we are going to stop it.”
Charley looked surprised. He asked, ”Are you really going to stop greasing the handles, putting water over the doors and doing all the other things?”
“Yep,” said the GI. Charley was really touched and with tears in his eyes he answered, “Well, if you do all that for Charley, then Charley no more spit in the soup.”
4.
Johnny was fighting with the Americans against the Germans. They were in the trenches in France and everything was calm. As he was sitting there, he heard someone from the German side call ”Johnny, Johnny.” He sat up and listened. He heard it again, “Johnny, Johnny.”
Johnny hollered back, “Yeah, what do you want?”
“Where are you?”
Johnny stood up and hollered, “Right here.”——————Bang! He was shot!
They took him back to the hospital area to recover. A few weeks went by and he was talking to one of the other patients. “I still don’t know how that guy knew my name.”
“That’s easy,” answered the patient. “He knew that there were a lot of Americans by that name and was just waiting for any one of them to answer.”
“Well, I’ll be. I never thought of that.”
Johnny couldn’t wait to get back. He planned to pull a trick on them like they did on him. He knew a lot of them were called Frederick so one day when everything was quiet in the trenches he called out, “Hey, Frederick, Frederick.”
“Yeah,” came a voice. “Who is that?”
“It’s me, Johnny!” he shouted.
“Where are you?”
“Right here,” hollered Johnny, as he jumped to his feet. ————
Bang!!!
BUSINESS
1.
Three kids walked into a grocery store and one of them stepped up to the counter.
The grocer said, “Hello, sonny. what can I do for you?”
“I would like to buy five cents worth of jelly beans,” he said.
“All right,” said the grocer and he went to the back and brought out a ladder, climbed up to the top shelf and brought down the jellybean box and weighed out five cents worth of jellybeans.
He climbed back up the ladder and put the box on the shelf. Then he climbed down, put the ladder in the back and coming back to the counter handed the bag of jellybeans to the little boy.
“Here you are, son,” he said with a smile and, turning to the second boy, he asked, “And what would you like, little man?”
The boy answered, “I would like to have five cents worth of jellybeans.”
The grocer stood there a moment looking at him and then headed for the back to get the ladder. He brought the ladder to the front, climbed up to get the box and came down the ladder, weighed out the jellybeans and climbed back up the ladder again with the box.
He placed the box on the shelf and started to go down but stopped. Looking at the third little boy, he asked, “And would you like to have five cents worth of jellybeans, too?”
“No, sir,” answered the little boy.
He climbed down the ladder, put it in the back, came back and handed the second little boy his sack.
Then he turned to the third little boy and asked, “Now then, son, what would you like?”
The little boy answered, “I would like to have three cents worth of jellybeans.”
2.
A man was trying to teach his son the first lesson in business. He put his son on a chair and backed off a step and said, “Now son, jump to papa.” The little boy jumped and he caught him.
Then he put him back on the chair and backed off four steps and said, “Now son, jump to papa.”
The little boy answered, “But, papa, I’m afraid.”
“Just jump,” his papa said.
The little boy jumped, but the papa backed away and let the little fellow smack the floor.
The little boy got up crying and sobbed, “But papa, you didn’t catch me.”
His papa answered, “And that son is your first lesson in business. ————Don’t trust nobody, —————-not even your own papa.”
3.
A boy said to a man, “Mister, if you’ll gimme a nickel my little brother will imitate a chicken.”
“What will he do,” asked the man, “crow like a rooster?”