A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, and right thigh were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
PS: I gave it to my wife and she can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
AIR FORCE
1.
During the war an allied bombing raid had just finished over one of the important targets.. The city had been leveled.
The Red Cross was going from place to place to help survivors. In one area they found a huge house completely demolished but there in the ruins was an old man sitting in a bathtub. They rushed over to help.
As they crowded around to get him out of the tub, he just sat there with a dazed look on his face. “I don’t understand it,” he muttered. “All I did was pull out the plug.”
2.
An air force pilot had trouble with his F-16. Finally, he had to bail out.
As he was dropping, waiting for his chute to open, he looked down and saw an old woman coming up.
He didn’t know what to say but, as they sped past one another, he hollered, “Hey, lady, did you see an F-16 going down?”
She hollered back, “No sonny, but did you see a gas stove going up?”
3.
A captain in the air force went into a Japanese café to eat and was visiting with the owner.
“My name is Wilson, what’s your name?”
“My name Chow Mein.”
“Well, Chow Mein, did you serve in the military?”
“Yes, Chow Mein pilot in air force.”
“What kind of plane did you fly.”
“Chow Mein fly fighter plane. me Kamakazi pilot”
“Kamakazi pilot? That’s strange. I thought Kamakazi pilots crashed their planes into warships on suicide missions.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“How come you’re still alive, Chow Mein?”
“Because me Chicken Chow Mein.”
AIRPLANES
1.
The captain of the airline announced as they were flying across country, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to announce that one of our engines has just gone out and we are going to be coming into the airport two hours late. But don’t worry, we still have three engines left.”
About thirty minutes later he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you that we have lost a second engine and this is going to delay our schedule further. We will be an extra three hours landing.”
About an hour later he announced, “Ladies and gentlemen. I have another announcement. We have lost our third engine and that is going to delay us another four hours.”
One of the lady passengers turned to another and said, “Isn’t that just like these airlines. I would guess that if we lose another engine we probably won’t get there until tomorrow.”
2.
The airplane was flying over the ocean. On the loudspeaker came the voice of the captain. “Ladies and gentlemen this is a recording. The plane has been set on automatic pilot because of trouble in the cockpit.
“The co-pilot and I have ejected and if you will look out your window you will see us in that little rubber raft down below.
“This is part of the emergency system and the airplane will run perfectly well without us. Everything else is in fine working order.
“So just don’t worry, everything will be all right,—— be all right,—- be all right.”
3.
Two men were crossing the United States by airline. They left New York and landed in Chicago. While they were waiting a red fuel truck came out to gas up the plane.
The plane took off, flew to Denver and landed there. Out came a red fuel truck and gassed up the plane.
They took off and flew to Reno, landed and a red fuel truck gassed up the plane.
They took off and were headed for Los Angeles when one man said to the other, “It’s amazing to me how fast these airplanes can get across the country.”
The other answered, “Yeah, but what’s more amazing is how that red fuel truck can make such good time.”
ANIMALS
1.
The hunter saw the lion cub and the cub saw the hunter about the same time. The cub decided the hunter would make a good meal and started chasing him right away. The mother lion watched as the young lion chased him around and around a tree.
Finally, she shouted, “Junior, stop that! How often have I told you to stop playing with your food?”
2.
The lion wandered through the jungle. When he saw a tiger, he roared and beat his chest saying, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The tiger ducked his tail and ran.
The lion saw a gorilla and roared and beat his chest and said, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The gorilla ran for the nearest tree and climbed it.
The lion saw an elephant and roared and beat his chest and said, “I’m the king of the jungle.” The elephant reached out with his trunk, grabbed the lion, spun him around his head and threw him against the trunk of a tree.
The lion laid there groggy. Finally, he staggered to his feet, looked over at the elephant and said, “Some people just don’t know how to take a joke.”
3.
A grocery store had a pet parrot sitting by the check out stand. Customers usually enjoyed it but sometimes it would talk sassy and even use bad words. One day the manager said, “I’ve told you for the last time to stop talking bad to our customers. If you do it again I’m going to stick you in that freezer over there till you learn better.”
The parrot just looked at him and smiled. He talked all right for a few days but then one day he said something ugly to a customer. The manager came over, grabbed him, took him to the freezer, threw him in and slammed the top shut.
About thirty minutes later he went back to the freezer, opened the lid and took out the parrot. It had frost all over its feathers and was so stiff it couldn’t move.
“Have you learned your lesson?” asked the manager.
“I did! I did!” said the parrot, “but I just want to ask you one question.”
“What is it?”
“I know what I said that put me in that freezer, but what did all of those featherless chickens say that put them in there?”
4.
The lion wandered through the