The frontier is visible. The stories abound. The stage is set for acknowledging, welcoming, and inviting our vulnerability to the dinner table.
exercise
REFLECTION
As you consider the following questions, there are a few effective tools you can use to help you connect with your answers. You can write in a journal to free associate and explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences; create pieces of artwork to investigate the ideas through images, colors, and correlations; and/or simply use your imagination to access associations, pictures, feelings, dreams, hopes, and fears.
Remember the last time you were criticized (by someone well intended):
Remember the last time you did not get what you wanted:
Remember the last time you, metaphorically, were naked out in public:
who do you call at 3 a.m.? 2
I WILL PRACTICE AND INCREASE MY ABILITY TO CONNECT
A friend is one to whom one may pour out allthe contents of one's heart, knowing that the gentlestof hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keepingand with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
—ARABIAN PROVERB
CYNTHIA AND SUSAN were best friends, but recently Cynthia had begun noticing how often Susan spoke harshly and sometimes cruelly to her husband. This made Cynthia uncomfortable. She decided to bring it up with Susan. She approached the subject gently, suggesting that Susan's behavior was probably unconscious. After all, she knew Susan to be a sensitive and caring person.
Being confronted like this gave Susan the opportunity to soul search and look for a deeper feeling that might have been causing her to act out in this way Was there something in her marriage that was troubling her? Was she carrying over something from some other relationship and taking it out on a safer person? Was this a residue from childhood? Whatever the source and reason, Cynthia's willingness to speak the truth about something unpleasant gave Susan the opportunity to deepen herself and her marriage.
We all need people in our lives with whom we can tell our truths and wrestle with our demons—and to be available to them for the same.
You are inconsolable over losing someone you love, and the darkness of the hour is hounding you. You need a confidante, a best friend who has been around as long as well-worn bedroom slippers. You need the partner, lover, spouse sleeping next to you to wake up.
You have been fired unexpectedly, and you're ganging up on yourself, your self-worth plummeting southward. You need someone to talk to and express your feelings and experience as well as receive support, understanding, and help. Someone to walk along with you during the crisis or struggle so the trauma is not compounded by unnecessary loneliness. Someone who can help you sort out the real from the self-destructive.
Who do you go to for truth telling? Who can you count on to tell you the way it is, even risk upsetting you? Who do you trust enough to tell you the hidden truth that you would benefit from knowing and doing something about? Who do you call at 3 A.M.?
You just received a raise and new title. You are going to have a new baby or grandbaby. You just made a financial killing or your company went public. You are in love (and with the right person).
Who do you call in the afternoon when you are feeling so much excitement and joy you are sure you are going to burst? Who do you call to share your pleasure and accomplishments?
Who are your friends? Who is your support? Do you have a very best friend, an important confidante? Do you have a circle of friends, a web of acquaintances?
Strengthening these connections and opening ourselves to honest communication—these are the subjects of this chapter.
Some women—Oprah Winfrey and Anna Quindlen are a notable two—have best friends they speak with at least once a day. They keep an exchange going—keep the channels wide open for check in, banter, intimacy, and comfort. Some days it might be a quick hello, “I'm here, how are you?” Other days there might be time and need for a long chat or an intimate soul talk. But these women value each other deeply, know each other fundamentally, and can be there for each other in a split second's request—and at a level that can leave each shaking with the recognition of sacred meeting. They can say anything to each other and ultimately feel better for it. They can listen deeply and communicate love without saying a word.
We cannot become resilient in isolation. Not even introverts, recluses, and the deeply pained and shamed. We are social creatures, and we need to know where to go to connect and refuel. We need to have a community of at least a few people, animals, or nature who will always be there for us, no matter what.
Children who have recovered from severe trauma will often tell poignant and heartwarming stories of finding a receptive teacher, neighbor, or adult friend who, with a look, glance, respectful touch, or open arms, kept them alive, kept their spirits alive. One young woman, severely wounded from years and years of unrelenting torture at the hands of her parents, told me the story of making contact with a kind elderly neighbor who looked into the child's eyes and told her it would not always be that bad. The young woman said that this single gesture not only offered hope but assured her that she was not crazy or overreacting.
“Someone else was aware that there was something seriously wrong.” The young woman felt validated and strengthened. She credits this warmth of human contact with keeping her this side of insanity.
Other at-risk children, showing an instinct for connection, find creative ways to find support from kind adults. Shy, introverted children look to characters in books, images in mythology, or the quiet den of an introverted adult. The more outgoing spread their wings to meet generous souls in their extended world. However they manage it, these naturally resilient young people make sure to find a connection—a positive connection—because they know that they need other people who can mirror something positive back to them.
If we are lucky, there are several people who fill this role in our lives, and we choose to whom to go for support based on the kinds of issues we're dealing with. One client told me:
If I need a really good cry, I'll go to a friend who understands and is comfortable with emotions.