The Woman's Book of Resilience. Beth Miller

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THE WOMAN'S BOOK OF

       r e s i l i e n c e

      12 Q U A L I T I E S T O C U L T I V A T E

      BETH MILLER, PH. D.

      CONARI PRESS

      First published in 2005 by Conari Press,

      an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

      York Beach, ME

      With offices at:

      368 Congress Street

      Boston, MA 02210

      www.redwheelweiser.com Copyright © 2005 Beth Miller

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

      Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

      Miller, Beth

      The woman's book of resilience : 12 qualities to cultivate / Beth Miller.

      p. cm.

      Includes bibliographical references and index.

      ISBN 1-57324-964-5 (alk. paper)

      1. Women-Psychology. 2. Resilience (Personality trait) 3. Self-realization in women. 4. Self-actualization (Psychology)—Problems, exercises, etc.

      5. Self-management (Psychology)—Problems, exercises, etc. I. Title.

      HQ1206.M498 2005

      155.6'33—dc22

      2004018757

      Typeset in Dante by Gopa & Ted2, Inc.

      Printed in Canada

      TCP

      12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05

      8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

       contents

       Foreword

       Introduction

       1 Undressing: I Am Open

       I Will Admit and Embrace My Vulnerability

       2 Who Do You Call at 3 A.M.?

       I Will Practice and Increase My Ability to Connect

       3 Hands On, Hands Off

       I Will Find Parts of the Problem That I Can Manage

       4 Not That One, This One

       I Will Discover and Get My Needs Met

       5 Look Ma, I Am Dancing on My Toes

       I Will Recognize and Develop My Own Special Gifts and Talents

       6 That's Close Enough

       I Will Develop My Ability to Say No

       7 Poison or Pearls

       I Will Increase My Ability to Transform Resentment and Forgive

       8 Now That's Funny!

       I Will Develop and Use My Sense of Humor to Help Me Through Stressful Situations

       9 Staying Power, Leaving Power

       I Will Explore the Range of Responses and Possibilities and Find Ways to Improve Things

       10 Can't Take Any More, or Can I?

       I Will Endure Suffering

       11 Diving for the Pearl

       I Will Find Meaning in the Crisis

       12 Pearls of Great Price

       I Will Stand Alone, Independent in Thought and Action, But I Will Not Be Afraid or Reluctant to Rely on Others

       Epilogue

       foreword

      iN MY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE as a psychotherapist and Jungian psychoanalyst, I have listened to untold numbers of people speak of sexual and emotional abuse, devastating loss, physical trauma, and life-threatening illness. I have often wondered why, given similar circumstances, some people are laid waste by these events while others find ways to survive them and even thrive as a result. And, there are many in between who suffer but still carry on reasonably satisfactory lives. Is there something special that some people are born with and others not? Or is it that mysterious quality like a tender plant that needs to be nourished and strengthened in order to reach its inborn potential?

      Psychotherapist Dr. Beth Miller defines resilience as the quality that enables people to bounce back when life knocks them off balance. Resilience is for the soul like a good mattress for the body; it gives support and helps to resist a tendency to slide down into depression.

      We were born resilient. The very act of getting born entails working our way out of a space that has become too tight, fighting our way to freedom down a dark narrow passage, accepting help when we need it, and sometimes, when it is too tough, to allow someone to intervene with a knife because that is the only way. And then we face light and gasp for air for the first time without