The Woman's Book of Resilience. Beth Miller

and very efficient woman who walks down the street in a bold fashion. She manages to hold down a prestigious position in a law firm while raising three children. She had often found other women to be unfriendly and had her feelings hurt when she assumed they did not like her. A good friend took her aside and informed her that others saw her as unavailable because she was so busy and conceited because she accomplished so much. She knew she was friendly and accessible; now she needed to understand the misperception so she could reach out.

       Listen well. Good listening is an art form and cannot be underestimated. Listen without interruption, listen with intended focus, and listen without forming a response in your mind. Listen to the sounds and meaning being offered. Listen to your own inner being, listen very carefully to those people near and dear to you, and especially listen well to those who are not on your side. Listen to the world you inhabit, keep open to nature and the rhythms of the universe.

       Hear what is being said and hear what is being implied. Be open to what is being said, sung, screamed, smiled, moaned, and cried.

       If you are not being listened to, demonstrate an inner conviction by sustaining your point of view in a heartfelt and nondefensive manner; be secure enough in your position to be open and sensitive to the other's needs and concerns.

       Know when to retreat and replenish. In the Buddhist traditions of Southeast Asia there are twenty-one different words for silence: the silence between thoughts, the silence of a concentrated mind, and the silence of awareness. In this fast-paced world of ours, give yourself time for contemplating, a quiet time, an inner time. Communicate with silence, with your inner world. Take time to listen to the sounds of nature; have time go slowly and involve you with mundane tasks and empty space to allow the deeper heart to come to light.

       Know when to hide away, when you are feeling overly sensitive or vulnerable and any comment or interchange will sting.

       Learn, practice, and master genuine interest in others and the world around you. Ask people about their dreams, their successes, and their families. Be open to another point of view; find what you can learn from it. Listen carefully when someone is unhappy with you or your behavior; distinguish if the person is for you and allow yourself to be communicated with.

      And remember this: In the final analysis, no matter how well you communicate, there are no guarantees. No matter how well you do, others will still disappoint, disagree, refuse, and possibly get angry. That's why it's so important to practice letting go, detaching from the outcome without blaming yourself or the other person. Remember you did your best, and with genuine detachment you can begin to imagine alternatives. And with alternatives you are practicing resiliency.

      Communication:

      

The ability and willingness to clearly express what is on your mind and in your heart and to actively hear the response

      

The ability and willingness to hear what is being expressed to you and take it in before reacting

      

The ability and willingness to make a connection

       exercise

       REFLECTION

      Use a journal, artwork, and/or imagination to help you connect with your answers to the questions below (see the exercise in chapter 1 for more explanation).

      Remember a time when you felt criticized, disappointed, or embarrassed, and ask yourself these questions:

      

What am I feeling? What do I need? How is this experience affecting me?

      

Is this a time to reach out to another person? Is this a time to listen to my inner knowing? Can I be still and hear myself?

      

Where was the breakdown in communication? What was being said to me? How are my feelings clouding the issue?

      Remember a time when you had difficulties in a relationship or discussion, and ask yourself these questions:

      

What do I do with the information that this conversation or relationship is not going well? What are my expectations? Overestimating myself and the environment? Underestimating myself and the environment? Reasonable? What would make them reasonable?

      

When it is not going well, do I know how to resteer the car between the white lines and get back in the lane?

      

Do I get the exact same response or reaction from my spouse, my friend, my boss, or my partner whenever I mention a topic, a subject, a feeling? What can I figure out about the exchange? What do I know about myself?

      

What can I learn from listening carefully and deeply? What can I learn from not criticizing or judging myself or the other person? What can I learn from wanting the communication to lead to compromise?

      

How can I learn to be clear and straightforward in my communication and be a respectful, effective listener?

       hands on, hands off 3

       I WILL FIND PARTS OF THE PROBLEM THAT I CAN MANAGE

       The truth mustdazzle graduallyor everyonebe blind

      —EMILY DICKINSON

      CONTROL has gotten a bad reputation. To say, “She is a control freak” or “What a terrible, controlling person she is” is to suggest that such a person should really loosen up! And yet, do you remember the Bop-Bag toy—the blow up toy that was painted like a man or a clown? He had big weighted feet so you could hit him again and again; each time, he would right himself. No matter how hard or from what angle you punched him, kicked him, hit him, or knocked him down, he would bounce back up and face you with his permanent grin. This toy is designed to give a child a sense of control. What an image of resilience. He bounces back no matter which position or how hard you punch him. It might be hard to imagine. But that bounce-ability is what successfully navigating the waters of adversity requires us to have. This step is about control. Real control and perceived control. A reasonable and discoverable degree of control. Because we need a degree of control in order to bounce back from hard times and to flourish as a result of being knocked down. Implicit in the very idea of resilience is that life is full of hardship, struggle, or tragedy Resilience is, in large part, about taking control after such difficulties.

      You break off a relationship and watch all the pieces of your life take a different turn. More time for laundry and videos, yes, but what about the social events and vacations you will now attend alone? What about the sad look in friends' and family members' eyes, and what about the possible downward turn your esteem might take? What about the feelings of sadness, sorrow, anger, and grief? How intense and long-lasting might they be?

      Someone close to you dies, and you know the experience of finality. You feel the daunting chasm of never being with that person again and all that that means—every holiday and meaningful event without this person and a chronic feeling of missing him or her. Your child starts taking street drugs, and neither of your lives is ever the same again. To be able to weather