As daunting as the prospect may be, establishing boundaries will be an indescribable relief to you. Once you have stopped participating in the cycle, once you act on your own behalf in a way that reflects self-respect and an empowered approach, you will feel amazing. It will free you, mind and soul, to remove a constant infective source of guilt, shame, and self-doubt from your life.
No discussion of toxicity is complete without addressing the impact of enabling.
Enabler: a person or thing that makes something possible.
Toxicity requires the participation of the person targeted for manipulation. When you stay silent and allow the dysfunctional behavior you witness, you’re a participant. If you believe it’s okay because you’re the only victim, two things: a) this is a glaring red flag of how little you value yourself and b) enablers are victimizers through complicity. You don’t get a free pass because you aren’t the toxic one, if you stand by while the manipulator does their thing. There is always collateral damage. It impacts your loved ones and, if you have children, you are setting them up to repeat the shit show you’ve chosen to engage in by teaching them what kind of treatment they should expect and tolerate from others. Do not lie to yourself that your children aren’t aware of what’s taking place. They know. If nothing else they feel it, and, when they get old enough to have their own opinions, they will be targeted with the same behavior you’ve been enduring. It can also impact relationships with the rest of your family, as they may have to walk on eggshells around your partner. Enabling is not a strategy. It’s complicity.
To bring it all together, I’ll share the story of a friend and client that showcases the cycle of toxicity in all its terrible dysfunction. Maddie is a lovely woman who is married with two children. Her parents divorced when she was a child, but her mother remarried twice, both times to abusive men. Her second marriage occurred when Maddie was in her final year of high school. Her new stepfather, Tom, had been a teacher at the high school before she was a student there. He had a reputation for inappropriate and volatile behavior, which a couple of teachers shared with Maddie under condition of anonymity. Despite Maddie’s pleas that her mother delay the wedding due to this disturbing information, her mother proceeded.
Maddie moved out immediately after graduation. She’d been around Tom enough to know he was an angry, opinionated, judgmental, and volatile man. She saw him only once or twice a year and remained unaware of his contempt for her until her mother moved out for a period of time after he’d beaten her. At that point, her mother shared that for the last twenty years, he’d been referring to Maddie, her daughter, as a bitch, cunt, slut, and whore after Maddie had a relationship with a much older man.
For years, Maddie had been torn about how to handle the relationship with her mother. She treasured the closeness she shared with her sister and mother, between the toxic marriages, and found it hard to process the impact that Tom and her mother’s enabling had on their relationship dynamic. Her mother expected the toxicity to unite them as fellow victims, rather than accept her role as the enabler. Her early experiences left Maddie with an inadequate sense of self-worth, which impacted her professionally. She was taught to walk on eggshells to the point that showing up confidently to her work was a challenge for her. Keeping the peace, making sure everyone else was okay and that she didn’t say or do something triggering, kept her from making moves that would enhance her success. Once she recognized her perception of the toxicity was valid, she was able to establish boundaries that have freed her from the misery of participation in the cycle. She has been clear and honest with her mother and, while her mother continues to try to get her to engage in the old cycle, Maddie won’t do it. She has held fast to her boundaries and feels as if a massive weight has been lifted from her. Her professional wins have grown exponentially because she is taking the same direct, honest approach in her business dealings that she’s using in her personal life. The two were inextricably linked. She has all the proof she needs to continue on the path of self-respect and healthy boundaries going forward.
If reading all of this has made you question whether you yourself engage in toxic behavior, take heart. It means you have the self-awareness to recognize it. You have the opportunity to be very conscious and change the way you relate to others moving forward. Find a therapist who can help you evaluate where you are versus where you want to be.
To Don’t:
•Don’t use logic in an attempt to overcome the manipulation tactics of a toxic person. Logic and emotion are apples and oranges that can’t be used to combat one another.
•Don’t give in for the sake of short-term peace. It’s not worth it, and you are playing into the hands of the toxic person each time you decide it’s easier to go along.
•Don’t decide that it’s harmless to continue participating in the cycle of toxicity because you’re aware of what’s happening. It’s not harmless. Your awareness is complicity in your own emotional injury.
Do Instead:
•Establish boundaries. Resist the urge to use logic when you get pushback.
•Speak up. Even if you aren’t sure how to resolve the situation, silence is not the answer.
•Know that you have the power to break this cycle once and for all.
Summing Up
The presence of toxicity has the power to establish an undermining pattern that pervades every aspect of your life. It must be dealt with head-on, with an empowered approach in which your own best interests or the interests of a group lead the way. You can clean up every other aspect of your mindset and operating framework but not get the true benefits of those efforts until you are willing to stop tolerating behavior that hurts you or your team, assertively establish your expectations, and stick to the commitment that serves your highest good in staying strong when your expectations aren’t met. If you are an enabler, it’s time to take stock and admit your part in the dysfunction you have allowed. Acknowledge that your participation has effects beyond you, and, if needed, get outside help in sorting out how you got here so that you can move forward.
Key takeaways:
•Toxic behavior can be obvious or subtle. Remember to watch for manipulation tactics that leverage FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to bend you to the will of the manipulator.
•Common toxic behaviors include non-apologies, refusal to accept responsibility, victim mindset, projection, lack of empathy, and passive aggression.
•A lack of boundaries is at the heart of what enables toxic behavior. The one who manipulates doesn’t have limits in the area that they are intruding on. It is up to you to decide what you will no longer tolerate, set the rules, make the consequences clear, and then stay consistent and true to the limits you have set.
•Logic is a tool for people who behave rationally. Manipulation is an emotional technique—you cannot use logic to talk the manipulator out of their bad behavior. Setting and sticking to boundaries without rationalizing is the key to managing such relationships.
•It takes two to participate in a toxic interaction. The toxic person has found an enabler in you. Stop enabling, remove yourself from participation, and free yourself of the invasive effect that ongoing interaction is having on every aspect of your life.
•Toxicity you tolerate shows up personally and professionally. You have to clean it all up to move forward, fully empowered to transform your life.
Take a deep breath. No matter how tough a toxic situation you’re in, there is a way out. If you have more than one toxic situation in your life that needs to be addressed, begin with the one that is the least overwhelming to you. Perhaps the behavior in question is less egregious, or the relationship itself isn’t as significant to you, so if the interaction gets rocky, it’s less threatening to your peace of mind. This is a baby-steps approach that allows you to get in some practice asserting your boundaries and expectations, which will build your confidence, making it easier for you to approach the other, more significant relationships or behaviors that remain.
The following will help provide clarity