In our world today, there is a lot of overtly toxic behavior that is easy to identify, steer clear of, or speak up against. However, not all toxicity is obvious; subtly poisonous behavior can be far more dangerous. It’s harder to identify, can make you question your sanity or perception of reality, and can cause you to discount your intuition when it tells you that something is wrong because it’s hard to “prove” it.
Signs and Symptoms of Toxic Behavior
Keep front and center this fundamental truth about toxicity:
The toxic person is a manipulator.
Remember at all times that the point of toxic interactions is to manipulate you. The manipulator feels entitled to whatever it is you have that they need, whether that is your patience, compassion, time, connections, etc. They take without giving. In the context of mutual respect, reciprocity is a healthy component of connecting with others. You give generously to those you respect, freely and without expectation of receiving something in return. Even though you don’t expect it, those you give to return your generosity in other ways over the course of time. There is an ocean of difference between normal, healthy interactions and those where the manipulator seeks to take, take, take and feels entitled to take even more if you’ll allow them to. Toxic people are energy vampires who suck up your life force and leave you feeling depleted rather than energized. They may create a sense of urgency, display exaggerated reactions to any kind of questioning or confrontation, and generally expect that you fall in line with whatever it is they demand of you. You find yourself doing the dance and giving in time and time again to avoid the consequences of not meeting their demands. And that, my friend, is how they train you to stay in the cycle of dysfunction.
At the heart of all toxic relationships is a lack of boundaries. Those who want to manipulate you don’t see you as a wholly separate entity with free will. They see you as someone who exists to meet their needs, and if manipulation is required to make that happen, they roll up their sleeves and get to work. The challenge is that those who employ manipulation against you are often those who are closest to you. Not only may they be your family members, but also friends, coworkers, and/or even your partner. It can be challenging to navigate such interactions when you know any discussion of how their behavior makes you feel could end in a ridiculous display of emotion that you’d rather not deal with. It could be that you’ve tried to talk to this person before and it had no impact at all. You may turn to using logic on yourself in an attempt to overcome your unsettling feelings, which, in case you haven’t noticed, doesn’t work. It’s like using a gun to kill smoke. Knowing the signs and symptoms of toxic behavior will help you identify whether you’re involved in a toxic relationship, personally or professionally. Once you are aware of the issues, you will be armed with the knowledge required to change or leave the dynamics you are engaged in.
Manipulation Tactics
When I speak on the topic of toxicity, it frequently elicits discomfort from the audience. No one wants to believe the worst about their loved ones and friends. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that someone close to you may be manipulating you. To further complicate matters, the manipulator may come across as a perfectly lovely person to others, creating confusion that makes it more difficult for you to accept or explain your discomfort. Subtly manipulative behavior can be hard to discern. FOG, an acronym coined by psychologist Susan Forward, describes the emotions the manipulator uses to influence others:
F—Fear
O—Obligation
G—Guilt
In Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail (New York: HarperCollins, 1997), she describes how manipulators use tactics that elicit these emotions to bend you to their will. They make sure you fear the consequences of crossing them, feel obligated to give them what they want out of a sense of duty, and feel guilty if you don’t comply. The underlying gross factor is that you end up complicit in this dynamic by giving the manipulator what they seeks to take from you. FOG is the shit show trifecta that you will find in any manipulative scenario if you take the time to examine the dynamics at play in the relationships you suspect fall into this category.
Forward goes on to describe the types of manipulators and how each shows up with their own version of FOG.
The Punisher: Seeks a one-sided balance of power and will override you and your desires.
The Self-Punisher: If they don’t get what they want, they will be upset and threaten to mess up their own lives.
The Sufferer: If you don’t give in to what they want, their subsequent suffering is your fault.
The Tantalizer: Make it clear that you will get the prize they offer if you do what they demand.
In each of these archetypes, control is the ultimate goal. The manipulator doesn’t care if the way they gain control is through threat or reward. Here are examples of how each of these operates in the context of the archetypes.
Punisher: Skip the happy hour with your friends or I will hurt you.
Self-punisher: Skip the happy hour with your friends or I will hurt myself.
Sufferer: Skip the happy hour with your friends. I’m so hurt that I wasn’t invited. If you go, it will be your fault that I’m upset and unhappy.
Tantalizer: Skip the happy hour with your friends and I’ll take you to a fancy dinner instead. They’re not good enough for you, anyway.
The reason the person is manipulating you may or may not feel significant to you. What the manipulator demands isn’t the point; the way in which they demand it is. By giving in to demands large and small, you establish a pattern in which the manipulator continues to use FOG to get their way, and over time their demands may escalate from the insignificant to the highly consequential. This is one slippery slope you want to stay far away from.
At times, obligation may be used in ways that don’t quite add up to toxicity but are designed to take advantage of you. A friend may appeal to your sense of duty when they ask you to do something that may be inconvenient for you. They know that, because you are a “good friend,” you may feel obligated to do their bidding. Is there a person in your life who consistently asks for favors? The person who thinks it’s your job to take them to the airport because they don’t want to pay for a ride? Or maybe it’s letting their dog out three times a day for five days while they go on vacation. How can you say no when you live nearby and this person is your friend? Do you ask people for things like this? Sure, maybe sometimes. But not all the time. You can park your car at the airport, catch an Uber, board the dog, or pay a neighborhood