Another way that toxic people engage you in the cycle of manipulation is referred to as gaslighting: a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband makes his wife believe she has lost her sanity because only she can see the flickering of the gaslights, when in fact he is the one causing the flickering while denying he can see what she sees. Gaslighters deny, lie, project, confuse, and ultimately wear you down in their pursuit of manipulation (Sarkis, Stephanie. “11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Psychology Today. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting).
Gaslighting can be exhausting for the person on the receiving end. To be told repeatedly that what you have seen or heard didn’t happen, happened another way, or that your perception of what happened is invalid wears on you, making you question yourself rather than stand firmly in your conviction that you do, indeed, know what you experienced. Gaslighters deny and lie regarding circumstances significant and mundane; the specific subject is of no consequence. It can be tempting to dismiss denials regarding matters that don’t have dire meaning or consequences—but this is precisely when you should be questioning the motive behind the denials. Why deny when not much is at stake and it would be easier in the long run to tell the truth? The allure of logic is strong, but you cannot employ it to understand the operating mode of one who manipulates. It is not logical! It is meant to impact you from an emotional perspective, and emotions aren’t governed by logic. You can’t explain it. Don’t insist on understanding why; instead, accept what this person has shown you about who they are.
In addition to the use of FOG and gaslighting, there are several other common behaviors typical of toxic interactions that may be overt or covert.
•Non-apologies. Beware the person who cannot express true regret. Statements like “I apologize,” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and “I’m sorry, but—” are not true apologies. A real apology sounds sincere and more like, “I’m sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t my intention and I will be more aware of my words and actions next time.”
•Refusal to accept responsibility. Toxic people are never wrong, which is why they can’t truly apologize. Look for blame-shifting and victim mindset, where they either look to have someone else take the fall or turn themselves into the wronged party in any given situation.
•Controlling behavior. This may be the single most obvious way that toxicity shows up in intimate relationships. Controllers expect you to comply with their rules. Their insecurity demands that they know where you are, what you’re doing, whom you hang out with, why you’re going, and ultimately decide whether or not you have permission to do what you wish to, based on whether they perceive a threat to their position in the who/what/were/why in question.
•Projection. People with toxic tendencies tend to project their own shortcomings by attributing them to others. For example, someone who talks down to people may accuse others of being condescending. Like the refusal to accept responsibility, it seeks to shift blame outward and away from the manipulator.
•Lack of empathy. The experience of the toxic person is paramount. No one else has suffered as much as they have; therefore, they don’t have compassion for others. This can show up as competing for pain: where you might say “I was so sick last weekend,” they will one-up you with stories of their own terrible illness and how they suffered more than you did. Basically, they must be the most anything so you get no compassion for what you’ve experienced.
•Lack of interest in you personally. You can engage in long one-sided conversations in which the toxic person talks incessantly about themselves and may not even remember to ask you how you’re doing. If they do remember, you may notice they don’t really listen, or they jump right back into what they want to talk about instead of what’s going on with you. Your feelings may be hurt that you recently told them about a significant challenge in your life and they don’t remember. Your world is of limited to no significance.
•Passive aggression. Beware the quiet ones. Just because someone is soft-spoken doesn’t mean they can’t be toxic. The passive-aggressive types get away with more toxic behavior because they’re not as loud, but do not mistake quiet for non-toxic. These are the people who may be nice to you in person while talking about you behind your back, make underhanded cutting remarks and then feign innocence when called out, employ a lot of facial expressions to disrupt but won’t use their words, etc. Passive aggression is particularly difficult to verbalize because, by design, it’s not as obvious and therefore it’s easier to deny the motive behind the behavior.
If you are dealing with a particularly malignant toxicity that seems to check every box we’ve discussed so far, you may be dealing with someone who has a personality disorder. The information shared here is not meant to be diagnostic; if you suspect an underlying disorder, contact a therapist or do some research, being careful to stick with reputable sources of information. Cluster B personality disorders as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking and behavior. The personality disorders included in Cluster B are antisocial, borderline, histrionic, and narcissistic, and many of these personality types include the kinds of behaviors summarized here. If you are in fact dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, there are specific recommendations for how to engage with them and protect yourself that a therapist or professional can help you with.
Workplace Toxicity
In my corporate life, there were epic levels of toxicity all around me. Consistently floored by the ridiculous behavior, I couldn’t understand why such noxious behavior was tolerated. Toxic behaviors were perpetrated by those who were “nice” and could be charming, while others didn’t bother to mask their dysfunction. Either way, they employed the tactics that worked for them specifically, with no incentive to change because they were getting away with the bad behavior. Here are some archetypes to illustrate the kinds of coworker or leader to be on alert for:
•The martyr is nice and accommodating on the surface but highly passive-aggressive. He may not vocalize his thoughts and opinions, but will make faces in meetings, try to recruit the support of others to his “side” when in disagreement with someone, behave as if he respects you but then bad-mouth you to anyone who will listen. When confronted about his behavior, he may act shocked, cry, deny, and shift blame to others for their actions. The martyr lowers team morale by expecting others to operate at his level or accommodate his weaknesses with no consideration for how it impacts others to do so.
•The egomaniac is self-centered, with an enormous sense of entitlement. She may feel like some “star” quality she possesses makes her indispensable, and as such expects any bad behavior on her part to be overlooked in favor of keeping her happy and productive. This type may not bother to be pleasing; she expects others to please her. She demands accolades and special treatment and is quick to point fingers at others when called out about her behavior.
•The tyrant is the egomaniac hopped up on the power of authority. Bad behavior, including overly dramatic reactions, outbursts, insults, inappropriate relationships, etc., are all potentially part of the package that this type delivers. The same sense of entitlement that drives the egomaniac is made worse by the tyrant’s ability to use it against those he sees as tools to be used for his own benefit, regardless of the impact on those he uses them against. The dynamics at play with the tyrant can be tricky; he was promoted despite these characteristics, which validates the bad behavior. In very unhealthy corporate cultures, he may have been promoted because of his character.
If you have been tolerating any of the behaviors discussed to this point,