Luckily, both flowers and spirits are very resilient and respond beautifully to a little nurturance. Recently, I was all wrapped up in my work and totally forgot that my potted geraniums and impatiens were sweltering in a heat wave. By the time I noticed them, the impatiens were already crispy. Plying them with fervent apologies and much needed water, I urged them to revive. Miraculously, they did. Given a little attention and tender loving care, our spirits are just as forgiving and equally as anxious to re-green and bloom as were my flowers.
What does your soul garden look like? Are the plants and flowers green and happy? If not, what will quench their thirst? What attention do they crave? What tiny little step can you take right now? What miniature bloom can you attend to soon?
When you listen attentively, you'll know how best to serve your soul's needs. It's very important, however, that we don't try to do too much at once or we set ourselves up for failure and become discouraged. When we consistently sow one small seed, water a single vase, till a square inch of soil, the entire garden reaps the benefit. Taking little soul-seconds—one small prayer, a few-minute meditation, a short burst of gratitude while appreciating nature—helps immeasurably to revive our thirsty spirits.
We don't have to join a convent or live in a cave to attend to our souls, although I admit that it sounds appealing sometimes. Luckily, our souls flower and grow when nurtured with consistent rays of attention interspersed among the busy hours of our days.
I pay attention to the needs of my spirit.
I make time to quench my soul's thirst.
Loving Self to Life
AS WOMEN, WE'RE OFTEN TRAINED TO LOVE others a lot, and ourselves a little. Unfortunately this is a backward concept because we're better able to love others when we first love ourselves. I know this idea has been harped on, but that's because it is absolutely true and truth deserves a little harp serenade. Just because the idea of selflove is widely accepted doesn't mean it's easy to do. But no matter how hard it may be for us to practice, it is essential, because lack of self-love and acceptance is the basis for most emotional problems, including the feelings of lifelessness and depression that plague so many women.
Fundamentally, loving ourselves is the best way to re-green our lives into the luxurious and creative lushness that we deserve. Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix, easy answer as to how to do this. Some of us were lucky enough to be taught to love ourselves when we were kids, but, for the rest of us, commitment to loving ourselves and a hundred daily decisions to “take ourselves to heart” are the only ways I've found that work. And they are by no means instantaneous. That's why I firmly believe that becoming consistently and compassionately self-loving is one of our lifelong spiritual tasks.
It seems easiest for most women to begin the self-loving process by loving their younger selves first. Picturing the little girls we were at about three years old and then showering them with the love that they needed and deserved is a great place to start. If you can't bring yourself to love this little one, call in a marvelously maternal and loving being to cherish and cuddle her for you. When I feel especially needy, I hug a large teddy bear and pretend that it's the “little Susie” inside me who feels unloved or unlovable.
Since love is the only energy that brings lasting change, our sacred charge is to love ourselves to life.
I am loveable.
Each day it becomes easier for me to love myself.
Keeping Anger Moist and Movable
ANGER IS AN OUT -OF-HEART EXPERIENCE. That doesn't mean that it's a terrible no-no and that we shouldn't feel it or express it.
In fact, examined anger is often an incredible teacher. Exploring our experience of anger nonjudgmentally often helps us uncover valuable clues as to what we expect, what we want, what we fear, and where we feel especially vulnerable. Indeed, examined anger is a spiritual ally. Examined anger remains moist and movable, supple and malleable to our inquiring minds. From it, we can learn to stop accepting the unacceptable in terms of treatment directed toward us.
However, unexamined and consequently suppressed or repressed anger is a different story. Very often it solidifies into resentment which shuts down our hearts and leeches all joy from our lives. In effect, resentment holds a gun to our heart and says, “Beware! You better dry up, and protect yourself. Opening up is dangerous.” Resentment almost always guarantees aridity.
I don't know about you, but I was vigorously trained in anger-aversion and was an apt student. One of my primary life lessons continues to be transforming my self-loathing and self-judgment whenever I feel anger, and learning to use it constructively.
One great way I've found to keep anger moist and movable is to take it less seriously. Anger is great fodder for humor, and when expressed as such, we're often able to lighten up and laugh. For example, after an incredibly unfair divorce settlement, a friend of ours had Gene and I doubled over with laughter as he expounded dramatically about the book he was going to write: How to Hold onto Your Anger when It's All You've Got Left! Through humor, he was healthfully expressing just how upset he was at the injustice of his divorce. His intention was to learn from and move through his anger, but for now, it was giving him the energy he needed to walk this piece of the road.
Give yourself permission to explore and express your anger lightly and from the heart. As the saying goes, “What does it matter if a teaspoon of vinegar is spilled on a hill of sugar?”
I take my anger lightly.
I examine my anger and learn from it.
De-Idealizing Expectations
A WOMAN I ADMIRE ONCE COMPLIMENTED me by saying, “Nowhere in your books did I find a shred of judgment.” Luckily, my books are edited, but unfortunately my life is not. Judgment is an ongoing issue for me and for most of my clients.
Judgment arises when our expectations are not met, but often our expectations are idealized and unattainable and, therefore, impossible to meet. When I have gone deeply into examining my tendency to judge, I've found at the root, a set of impossible standards that I hold myself to, which inhibit my ability to love myself and others. Selfjudgment gives rise to judgment of others—and both suck the love-enhancing moisture right out of our hearts and create draught conditions in our relationships.
Jamie was going through a very rough period in her marriage and was judging herself harshly for not being able to remain a calm and totally loving parent at all times. From my point of view, she was doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Her husband was in the military and virtually never home, her own emotions were in an uproar, and her sense of security in their future together was teetering precariously. Then, one day, a friend commented to her, “To love perfection is to hate life,” which affected Jamie deeply. This profound little sentence helped her understand, at a gut level, what a burden she was placing on herself by expecting perfection in a far from perfect situation.
Although it was not easy for her, Jamie sought therapy and began learning the skills for de-idealizing her expectations and concentrating on self-acceptance rather than self-judgment. Over time the results of her work led to a greater tolerance of her imperfections, an increased ability to flow with life, more relaxed kids, and a revitalized marriage.
As human beings, we are evolving, maturing, and changing continually. It is unrealistic and discouraging to