On the opposite end of the spectrum from shame caused by sexual repression is the projection of shame onto women who are sexually expressive, what we call “slut-shaming.” Women who are sexually open, available, and have lots of sex are stigmatized as “loose” and too free with their bodies. One of the insidious messages young women receive is, “You don’t want to open your legs for too many men!” Sadly, slut-shaming most often occurs woman-to-woman.
Shame Around Experiencing Desire: Bob’s Story
Another example of shame around desire showed up with Bob. He was ashamed about how highly sexually excitable he was, walking around with a hard-on much of the day. Even the calming breathing exercises I taught him turned him on. From age eight to age twelve, Bob had ongoing sexual experiences with his older sister wherein he would touch or suck her breasts but never received touch in return. While this was a big turn-on for Bob and left him with an erection, he was also confused. He felt both excited and anxious about being caught. Shame seeped in because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he also felt helpless against his sister’s advances. Bob also had a volatile relationship with his rageaholic father. He got aroused and had a hard-on whenever his father exploded at him. Over time, he began to associate erections and arousal with emotions of fear, anxiety, excitement, sadness, and anger. Layered over all of this was shame. Through our sessions, Bob began to understand that he used his arousal to distract himself from his emotions. Once Bob learned to express his emotions, his sexual arousal became more appropriate to the situation.
Masturbation and Shame
As children, many of us got caught masturbating by a parent or another adult figure. They typically let their disapproval be known and we were reprimanded: teasing, scolding, looks of disdain, even mild to severe punishments. This was certainly my experience with my friend Josephine in first grade. I never felt the same about Josephine after that incident. The feelings from being caught and the disapproval made me feel embarrassed, guilty, confused and very upset. This common experience leads to shame and the inability to freely express our sexuality and to experience pleasure.
Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure: Delia’s Story
Delia was experiencing orgasm challenges. While her body went through the normal physiological response to arousal and orgasm, (heavier breathing, increased heart rate, flushed face) she did not experience much sensation in her body when she was aroused. One day, I was giving Delia a bodywork session intended to help her open up to receiving sensual touch and I noticed that the fingers on her right hand were moving in a pattern that mimicked masturbation. When I brought this to her attention, she recalled the shame she felt when, as a young girl, her mother barged into her room, smelled her fingers, and punished her for touching herself. The pleasure of masturbation turned into shame, and while Delia continued to masturbate as a child, she never again experienced pleasure. This continued into adulthood, and Delia started to disassociate from any pleasurable sensations during sex. Even though her body responded to sensual touch, she did not feel aroused and felt numb around her pussy. As Delia began to deal with her shame, she became much more aware and present to sensations and her arousal and ultimately was able to fully experience orgasm.
Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation:
Keith’s Story
In men, problems with early ejaculation are often associated with getting caught masturbating in adolescence. Keith was an only child with a very controlling mother, who was constantly checking up on him. The bathroom, the only room in the house with a lock on the door, was Keith’s refuge from his mother, and the only safe place for him to masturbate. Eventually his mother caught on to this. She began monitoring his time in the bathroom, constantly knocking on the door and asking him if everything was all right. Fearful of her interference, Keith learned how to come very quickly, usually within two minutes of stimulation. This became his normal response and plagued him into adulthood and marriage.
In my work with men and women, I am always surprised by the impact of negative responses to a child’s natural curiosity and tendency to touch themselves “down there.” The mere act of swatting a little boy’s hand away from his crotch quickly sends the message that touching yourself is wrong. These messages stick with us and are often further reinforced by societal and religious messages about masturbation.
Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder
Body shame is an experience common to almost all women and many men surrounding our looks, our weight, the size of our breasts, cocks, thighs, butts, pussies…the list can go on forever. The constant barrage of unrealistic media images of perfect bodies and body parts continues to play a huge role in our own body image issues. I have worked with so many men who have shame because their penises don’t measure up to the ones they see in pornography, many of which have been digitally enhanced.
For women, body shame is the number one reason that we are held back from enjoying sex and creates disconnection from our desires. Women tend to “spectate” during sex, i.e., we are constantly thinking about and imagining what our bodies look like while we are having sex. This takes us out of the experience and into our heads. I know I’ve done this, and I’m sure you have as well. I’ve gone so far as to require that the mirror in my room be covered during sex because I was unhappy with the way my body looked.
Body shame prevents you from fully expressing yourself sexually. Maybe you have sex under the covers or with the lights out so that your partner doesn’t see your body. Body shame creates unhealthy habits, such as constant dieting and eating disorders. You might even sabotage every first date just to avoid exposing your body to someone else.
Body shame often makes us feel like we’re not loveable, not sexy, and not worthy of someone’s attention. It also causes many unnecessary surgeries such as penile implants, breast enhancements and reductions, and labiaplasty, a common form of plastic surgery for women.
Many of us first experience body shame in our early adolescence, just as our bodies are changing. Hormones do funny things to bodies, but there is little compassion for this, and cruel comments from others can cut right through us. When Joelle went to sleep-away camp at age fourteen, she gained fifteen pounds over the summer. Excited about returning home to see her boyfriend, she has a vivid memory of how shocked he was when he met her at the door. She will never forget the look on his face. Rather than inviting her into the house to talk with his parents as he normally did, he quickly ushered her upstairs, sending shame and negative messages to her about her body. To cope with the body shame, Joelle resorted to massive fasts and dieting and ended up with an eating disorder in college.
Postpartum women are particularly burdened by body shame, and it is part of the reason so many of us lose interest in sex after giving birth. Unfortunately, I have seen some women whose partners exacerbate their shame by continuing to buy them clothes that are one or two sizes too small as an “incentive” to get back to pre-baby weight. I personally consider that yet another form of shaming.
Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame
In my case, while growing up, I had huge issues about the size of my breasts, which just seemed way out of proportion to the rest of my body. My mother never thought to make sure I was wearing a bra with decent support, so they bounced all over the place. I wasn’t upset about this because I assumed it was normal, until I found out it wasn’t. It was a warm spring morning, so I was wearing only a tight T-shirt as I walked along the busy street on my way to school. A red pick-up truck drew up beside me. Workmen in the back of the truck pointed to me and called out “Hey, big tits,” while giving me very sexual looks. I was devastated. My face turned bright red; I started crying and ran away. For several months afterward, I made my mother drive me to school. Every time I passed that corner, I felt sick to my stomach. It took years for me to overcome this body image issue and realize that my breasts are one of my most valuable assets.
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