In this age of social media overload, we need to step back and consider how our children spend their time, and the activities and outlets available to them to develop both a sense of self, and a sense of self-worth. We need to provide them with multiple avenues through which to do so, especially given the magnetic pull of social media. So, this is the area of parenting in which I most strongly encourage you to play the “parent card.” If your child seems disengaged outside of social media, or video games, or some other screen-based activities, press them to get involved. Fill the bulk of their time with school, sports, groups, plays, music, or clubs. Get them moving their bodies, something teenagers today do less and less.
Physical activity is something they desperately need.
My take on this has changed quite a bit. Years ago, I encouraged young people to think more. Now, so many kids spend far too much of their time lost in thought loops, many of them maladaptive and overly self-deprecating. Today, they need to spend far less time lost in thought, and more time doing. It is in the actual doing—the running, swimming, acting, singing, dancing, talking, and laughing—that a deeper sense of identity can be found, more tangible and true. It is in doing that our kids can prove to themselves that they are smart and capable and competent and resilient.
Perhaps the most critical component of doing, one that is missed by this entire generation, lies in moving one’s body. Due in large part to the draw of the various screens our children access, the natural inclination to move, run, swim, and sweat is derailed, often entirely. The result is a passive generation, running and jumping in video games, or momentarily playing for videos to post on one social media platform or another. As a result, we are raising ever more sedentary children, who are more obese than ever and holding more anxiety in their physical bodies. And I find that movement is the single most potent reliever of pent-up anxiety, period.
Young bodies want to move, to run and swim and dance and play. Too many kids decide they are not athletes, far too early in life to make that determination. Too many parents support that assertion, and fail to encourage movement. Here is a script worth changing.
Because, without some press from us, our kids are simply not presented with enough impetus to move. All their lives, there has been a screen that provided ample entertainment, and many kids have never gained an alternative, consistent point of view. It is our job as parents to present them with these options; thus the critical importance of the “parent card.”
I read recently about the decline in attendance at summer camps, both sleepaway camps and day camps. My experience with my client base over the years supports this trend. And for those of you with younger children, I strongly urge you to consider having your child attend a summer camp. Make it a part of the fabric of your family, an expectation. There are countless benefits to camps, as there have always been: introductions to new friends, sports, music, and other activities, to be sure. But today, the benefits are invaluable. Your child will spend a week or two or more, or several hours a day, engaged in other activities besides the phone. Over time, even kids who are quite reluctant to attend camps tend to rise to the occasion, and enjoy participating. I personally find that kids who attend camps tend to carry that balance with them long after camp is completed, spending more time outdoors, playing, laughing, making up games, and being fully engaged with friends.
Spending some time engaged in volunteer activity can also provide this balance. Once you play your “parent card” here, you will find, I predict, that your child’s volunteer participation becomes somewhat self-sustaining. Not only does it bring balance to be free of social media and other social pressures, as well as academic and perhaps familial stressors, but your child will also, in all likelihood, discover how much she enjoys being of service to others. Kids frequently describe to me how invaluable their time serving others can be to them, how important it is to see the faces of the people they are helping, and how grateful they become for their own life circumstances. Volunteer work pays countless dividends. Again, I encourage you to make service an automatic part of the family creed. It is tough to get your teenager out there if volunteering and service are not already a core part of the vernacular. It can be done with a “parent card,” of course, but if you have younger children, get them serving others early.
Self-Reflection, Self-Control, and Social Media
Research shows that we adults grossly underestimate the time we spend daily on social media, often by a factor of hours. I encourage you to track an average day, and honestly look at your track record. Do you spend an hour on social media? Two? More? The answer is yes for many of us. I find that once we are aware, truly and fully aware, of the amount of time we spend, and waste, on social media every single day, we are far more inclined to change the habit.
One of the best ways to reset your social media habit, as a family, is to pick a day—I find a Sunday works best—and fully fast from social media. All phones and computers and pads are off for twenty-four hours. You will hear grousing and complaining. You may even be the one complaining most. But when the fog clears, you will find yourself, your children, your entire family, are far more present in the moment with one another. This exercise will remind you, and perhaps teach your kids for the first time, that most of the good things in life take place away from the screens. A day off, heading into the city or out to the country on a family adventure, will punctuate that point nicely.
You may have to mandate this exercise to get it to actually happen, but it will be well worth it.
Many parents have told me they do not feel as if they have a “parent card” to play. They are certain their child would not sign up for a sport, play, or club, even if they insisted upon it. Their child will not listen and will not comply. And the pull of the screen feels far more potent than any parenting power we may have felt we could exert in the past.
This is where the Emotional Bank Account comes into play. This account is among my favorite methods for examining any relationship. If you read my first book, or if you have ever heard me speak publicly, you will find yourself quite familiar with this crucial concept which is a key to effective parenting.
The balance in the Emotional Bank Account, or EBA, is effectively an indication of the accumulated goodwill in any relationship. If things are running smoothly and your relationship feels resilient to any minor difficulties or bumps in the road you may encounter together, you are looking at an EBA that is solidly in the black. If, however, you feel disconnected and that communication is either one-way or trying, if either or both of you feel unheard or misunderstood, the EBA is likely in the red. This is a relationship that is in trouble and, in all likelihood, causes significant emotional distress, conflict, and a sense of disconnection for both parties.
The very good news here is that the EBA is flexible, pliable, and forgiving. The balance can be shifted with any deposit or withdrawal. Anything smacking of a disconnect will read as a withdrawal: an inopportune judgment, a lengthy lecture, or a misplaced punishment, for example. These may feel like good ideas, and perhaps even parenting mandates, in real time. But with the culture shifting so dramatically and rapidly, we need to be operating from a new parenting playbook, one in which we will frequently need to call real-time parenting audibles based on the needs of our child and our connection with our child. Today, we simply cannot afford unnecessary withdrawals from the EBA. A positive balance here trumps nearly every other factor in parenting.
Because if we are parenting from an EBA in the red, our voice is unheard, and our parenting is frustratingly ineffective. All of this can be quite frightening at times like these, when we know how critical our input is for the well-being of our children.
So, how then do we deposit into the EBA? How do we sustain a balance well in the black?
This is the