As suggested above, we would love to allow for more years of childhood innocence before this adolescent-type behavior and thinking kicks in. But we are dealing with a brand-new reality here, a developmental leap with our younger children in which they skip the cushion of the “tween” years. Given these recent changes, I again encourage you to consider to begin to talk with your younger children, considering their personal maturity and developmental level, about the issues you may have thought were reserved for teens or tweens. Begin to gently work your way toward talking, and asking, about the opposite sex, drug use, insecurities, mental health, and so on. The key here is to let your kids know, earlier than you may think necessary, that you are aware, informed, and available to talk, on any subject, at any time.
I have described the above phenomenon, the stretching of adolescence and the resulting fallout, to a number of colleagues and friends. And I have been faced with skepticism, the prevailing question being, “How do I know this seismic shift is actually taking place?”
It’s an entirely fair question. What I’m suggesting here is not simply that our children are experiencing more, and taking in more stimuli, at earlier and earlier ages. No, it runs far deeper than that. I’m suggesting that developmental patterns that have stood for decades, if not centuries, have shifted in a matter of just a few years. I’m suggesting that our children are developing a sense of self and awareness of others at much earlier ages than ever before. I’m suggesting that the very nature of childhood is shifting at an unprecedented pace, right under our noses, and very few people are fully aware of either the phenomenon or its potent impact on the totality of a child’s life today.
I spent an hour with Jack recently, a deep and thoughtful nineteen-year-old lamenting the apparent generational gap between himself and his brother, only four years his junior. “I worry about Ryan and his generation, man. They have a lot more stress than we did at fifteen. They were born in the iPhone era, and the pressure of social media and all that is in their DNA. We were born just before all that. I can remember that time. We would just play outside all the time. Ryan and his friends are never outside, and they seem so sedated: no hobbies, no interests. They just sit around vaping and joy-sticking their lives away [laughs]. I wish they saw the world more like I do. I see the future, and it’s out there and big and exciting. Ryan and his dudes, I don’t think they get that.”
He worries more about his younger sister, only nine, and her generation. “I don’t think we have any idea how fast those kids are growing up, right now.”
In some form or fashion, I have heard Jack’s sentiment expressed with alarming regularity over the course of the past several years. Yes, the very nature of childhood is entirely different, quite suddenly. And if brothers only four years apart sense a gap, we have to recognize the degree to which we ourselves have precious little in common with our children. Given this sudden developmental shift, this sudden leap from childhood to adolescence, we have everything to learn. We parents today are true pioneers, whether we choose to be or not. We have to parent with more thought and care, as there are pitfalls we can guide our kids safely beyond if we arm ourselves with sufficient information.
Now, I know it is real, the dramatic nature of this shift, because I have a highly unusual job. I work with these children, many hours a day. And I can tell you, unequivocally, the patterns are not vague. The shift is abundantly clear. And the fallout is overwhelming at best, but devastating in the extreme. Let’s review some of the grim realities:
•Children report strikingly more stress now than ever before.
•Poor self-esteem, and a higher degree of self-loathing, are reported by children now more than ever before.
•Body image issues are far more prevalent now than ever before, and at shockingly early ages.
•Substance abuse is on the rise, often in the pursuit of self-medication, and the nature and type of substances used are shape-shifting.
•Suicide rates are skyrocketing among young people.
•We have seen a precipitous rise in school shootings, and other mass shootings, by young people.
So, the urgency to recognize and acknowledge this shift lies in the fact that we are losing children in record numbers, either literally or figuratively. Consider all the talent and joy and contribution lost when just one teen takes their own life. In aggregate, I fear we are heading in a direction in which we lose the gifts of countless young people, even as they continue to draw breath. And we are all the worse for the losses, without a doubt.
For I find that the young people who are vulnerable, who struggle to find value in themselves, and feel their feelings so strongly, are the very people we need most right now. They don’t recognize their value, but in reality, it knows no bounds. We have to save them, for their sake and for our own.
Think back to your childhood: a component of the ease of that time was less self-awareness, less insecurity, and few comparisons to others. Younger children didn’t consider, to the degree teenagers did, whether other kids were smarter, more athletic, better looking, and so on. For a time, the pace of brain development provided a layer of protection from some of these insecurities. For those of you who were the exception, you know how painful it can be to make those comparisons, as we tend to evaluate ourselves negatively in every respect, “one down” from others.
Now, picture an eight-, nine-, or ten-year-old today. He or she is likely very aware of their “imperfections,” real or merely perceived: their bodies, their minds, even the socioeconomic status of their family, relative to their peers. And, like the rest of us, they also tend to make “upward” social comparisons, matching themselves up with children they perceive as “better” than them in whatever aspect of self they are evaluating.
And kids today are exposed to the stimuli that fuel these comparisons many times, every single day. We used to have so many distractions and buffers, in our lives as kids, that provided even the most insecure among us a cloak of emotional fuzziness. This blur slips into harsh, blunt focus for children now. It’s right there, in their pocket, waiting to remind them that they are not good enough.
Consider the ideas that have historically made us insecure as adults. Our children are now aware of: the negative, upward comparisons to others; the idea that we may lack something important, or not have enough of it; the idea that we may be unloved or unlovable. These are now entering the consciousness of young children. And the thoughts on these topics are far from occasional, or even daily. Because of the nearly constant influx of stimuli in their lives, the traffic and noise in their very active minds, these thoughts play out nearly constantly for them.
And if these issues regularly create insecurity in us as adults, just imagine the impact they can have on the psyches of children, especially young children. And the imagery is relentless. They feel insecure virtually every day. It’s pretty terrifying, for them and for us.
An Exercise in Self-Conscious Language
I encourage you to spend a day attending to your child, especially your young child, and the language they tend to use, especially regarding themself. Do you hear self-consciousness in their language? Do they reflect on how they look, or the nature of their personality, relative to others? Do they show signs of being self-deprecating, or insecure?
If they are beginning to show signs of self-consciousness in their thoughts and language, reflect aloud on your feelings about them. You’ve likely got a window here to guide them toward thinking more positively about themself. Show them the positive through your words, authentically (they will know if you are disingenuous). And model positive self-reflection in your own language about yourself. Through this exercise, you can help set them on a path toward positive self-regard.
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