But if this method is supposed to work, then where is he, right? Where is our sweet, perfect guy?
Herein lies the quandary for the modern parent. We are scared. We are lost. We are feeling around in the dark, tracking the information we can, hoping to find our child, intact and safe.
Like Jason, today’s teenagers are, for the most part, a mystery to us parents. Let’s start by solving the mystery, bit by bit, as best we can. Then we can talk about what agency we have as parents to make things better.
And trust me. No matter what issues you might be struggling with, as a parent, as a family, things can get better.
I worked with a father and son late one evening recently. Dad was earnestly, admirably trying to connect with his struggling son, letting him know he understood what he was going through, and was familiar with his experience. After all, he was sixteen once, and it wasn’t all that long ago.
But in his son’s mind, he never was.
The emotional weight of being a teenager in today’s world bears only a faint resemblance to our experiences as teenagers a generation ago. I find that this is a critical concept that is very difficult for parents to understand and accept. Now, when I talk to groups of parents, I receive a lot of pushback on this concept.
“Of course, I was a full-fledged teenager. I felt that emotional weight. I felt that insecurity, in my body, in my personality, in my very being.”
And yes, to an extent, we can relate. But the truth is, you were never this teenager.
Our teenage concerns, free of the weight of social media “likes,” the pace of online chaos, the overarching academic pressures, and the wildly unreasonable body-image demands, are artifacts of an era gone by. All of these factors play into the self-esteem and the daily measurement of self-worth of the typical teenager, tween-aged child, or young adult today.
So, the bad news is that you’ve got a lot to learn. The good news is that you have teachers, likely right down the hall from you right now. Addressed openly and without an agenda, your children will likely be happy to introduce you to the complications of their daily lives.
And trust me, the stakes are high. You need that introduction into their ever-changing world. And you’ll need follow-up as well. Otherwise, you are parenting from a handbook with wildly outdated information. Not only might you be unaware of the nuances of the ills of vaping versus Juuling, but the nature of social pressures, future fears, and sometimes hopelessness may elude you as well.
So, ask the questions that may scare you. Listen to the answers, even if they are not what you want to hear. That way, your child will know you are there for her, to walk by her side, through the unpredictable tangle of adolescence.
Your child needs you. Now more than ever.
I encourage you to go to school on this next generation. Sometime in the car, or during breakfast, or before bed, ask them.
Ask them what their friends are up to these days. Ask about kids their age. Be curious; do not interrogate.
“What are other kids doing? Are they smoking, drinking, vaping? Are they having sex? Is anyone super-depressed, self-harming? Is there anyone you’re worried about?”
“How do you feel about it all? What are you doing?”
And most importantly, “How are you doing?”
These may seem like very dramatic questions, but I can virtually promise you, your child will be more comfortable than you are talking about this stuff. And it’s crucial that you find that comfort zone in yourself, breathe deeply, ask, and talk. It’s the only way I know to create that elusive collaboration with your teenager, and she needs that. With you.
Keep asking. Create an easy, open line of communication. Speak your piece and let her speak hers. Let the resounding thought she’s left with be, “No matter what, I’ve got your back. You can come to me.”
This is precisely the approach I encouraged for this dad the other night. I know that, if he follows that advice, he can put me out of business in his son’s life quickly and forge that connection and collaboration.
First, believe it or not, we have to revisit what we mean when we use the term “teenager.” Since the coining of the term, it has always demarcated a stage of physical development, as well as a shift in self-awareness and emotional development. On the emotional side, the primary challenge faced during adolescence is the establishment of an identity separate and apart from Mom, Dad, and other familiar adults. Historically, the actual teenage years, thirteen to nineteen, have framed this developmental period, both physically and emotionally, quite well. Parents and families have supported this progression over the generations, controlling the flow of information our children take in and assessing what’s appropriate for them at different ages. The bolder among us have introduced the topics of sexuality, drug use, social difficulties, and other issues at the onset of these years, and dished out information as deemed developmentally appropriate.
The way the culture was constructed and driven, and the way we have parented in the past, supported the onset of adolescence around thirteen years of age, and the completion of that identity formation, more or less, at about nineteen. There were exceptions, of course, but they were fairly obvious, enough so that the adult cavalry—parents, schools, churches, and neighbors—could intervene and redirect a child toward the appropriate developmental markers, should they stray too far off course.
Now, we are going to find that the “teen” designation is no longer entirely valid, certainly not the way it has been used historically. Because of a combination of unlimited access to information, the advent of social media and other technology, rising academic pressures, and other familial and social stressors, the teen years as we think of them have stretched to well before thirteen on the early end, and beyond nineteen on the back end. Some of those “teenage” discussions—those talks about sex, drugs, depression, anxiety, suicide, events in the news—we need to begin with children at often uncomfortably young ages. We lack the control that we used to have over what young kids might be exposed to, so we must be aware and prepared to address issues and take on discussions that would typically be reserved for much older kids.
We are also witnessing a prolonged adolescence on the back end, as our young adults remain stifled by the overwhelming load of information, emotion, and identity confusion they are processing through the teen years. They remain unclear about their place in the world well into their twenties.
The Disappearance of the Tween
When titling my first book, The Available Parent, the word tween carried some distinct meaning, so much so that it was part of my subtitle. This was a preadolescent stage, couched between the ages of ten and twelve or so. But you likely notice, with perhaps a note of alarm, how younger children seem to be adopting the behaviors and attitudes we used to see in tweens and even teens. These include, but are certainly not limited to:
- A draw toward social media
- Development of sexual identity
- Body consciousness
- Mention of feeling depressed or anxious
- Talking back
- Testing boundaries behaviorally
In a sense, the tween years have disappeared, and our children are developmentally sprung from childhood into adolescence without the cushion of a couple