Valerie (age 41)
We were in a grocery store holding hands when an older couple passed us. The woman leaned over and said, “What a sweet young man, holding his mother’s hand.” The husband turned and looked at her like she was an idiot and as she pushed her cart forward to continue her shopping, he walked back and apologized to us saying, “I am so sorry.”
Leslie (age 56)
Perhaps because they have never experienced with their own mothers the kind of energy or vibes romantically involved couples emit, men can tell the difference right away. What’s more, they don’t particularly care. They just chalk up the relationship to great sex and leave it at that. Women, on the other hand, might be coming from a somewhat more malicious place or so it sometimes seems.
Frequently, this dreaded question will come from a woman his age or younger. Maybe she’s not intentionally malicious, just confused. She really doesn’t believe that you’re his mother, however; that’s why she’ll hesitate for a moment before she says the word.
Whatever motivates it, being asked this question is an awful experience. As you pull your ego up off the floor and desperately try to remember the name of that great plastic surgeon your friend knows, you are also scrambling for a response. “No, I’m not his mother” just doesn’t quite express what you’re really feeling. Whatever you choose to say is up to you, but here are a few retorts we’ve heard and liked:
1. “Do I look like anyone’s mother?”
Kate (age 42) Looks like a twenty-five-year-old Barbie doll incarnate!
2. “No…he’s my lover.” (Said with a BIG smile)
Angie (age 50) A good grasp of reality can be an antidote.
3. “Oh no, his mother’s much younger. I’m his girlfriend.”
Suzanne, a lawyer (age 41) Leave it to a lawyer to come up with a great line.
Clara, forty-six, and Tony, twenty-eight, were comfortable being a couple. Clara told us about the day they were holding hands and window shopping early in their relationship, when she suddenly caught their reflection in a window. She had been so involved in looking at him and admiring his youthful face that she did a double take when she saw herself next to him. Clara explained her intense reaction to seeing that reflection:
My God, I saw this old woman holding his hand. All I could see were my wrinkles and the gray streaks in my hair. I never thought of myself like that until I actually saw us together that day. He looked so young and I was mortified. I looked like his mother.
The image in the window had nothing to do with how Clara felt inside being with Tony. They were a couple, happy together and involved with each other. Suddenly seeing that reflection in the glass, she became painfully aware of the age difference. She had never dated a younger man before and Tony, who looked very young for his age, was obviously years younger.
Clara said she even thought of ending the relationship. Her internal judgment of how she looked next to Tony was an insight that older men with much younger women wouldn’t process in the same way. Whereas an older man might look with adoration at his young wife or girlfriend and consider himself fortunate, a woman will typically experience a drop in self-esteem compounded by self-doubt and recrimination. It’s quite a double standard—one that we frequently impose on ourselves!
Why does a woman process this picture so differently? Clearly we have absorbed the societal message that youth and beauty form the sum total of a woman’s worth. The internalization of these values begins early, with our power accruing in accordance with our looks.
Sadly, the connection of youth and beauty to our perception of our worth comes up a lot in our discussions with other women. It’s a psychological reality that even some of the most astonishingly beautiful women we’ve met must deal with. Some find the courage to walk through that fear. Others think, He’ll look at me in the sunlight one day and he’ll run away. To women everywhere who think that finding and keeping a “good catch” has anything at all to do with youth and beauty, we want to say three little words: Camilla Parker Bowles.
Admittedly, Prince Charles could not be considered a younger man, as he is only a year or two younger than his longtime love, Camilla. However, in the world of trophy men, we believe that the future king of England ranks high. The story of Charles and Camilla has certainly evoked wonder and criticism and has for twenty-seven years outlasted some of the mightiest threats and challenges that any relationship, anywhere, could possibly confront. Camilla, even when she was very young, was not a beautiful woman. She has been more maligned, and more publicly so, for her lack of physical beauty than has any woman in history. One British tabloid published a photograph of Camilla standing next to her horse and asked its male readers to vote on which one they’d rather go to bed with. Camilla has had to stand much social censure not only because of her ongoing romance with a man whose wife was quite young, beautiful and loved by the British public, but because Camilla is neither young nor pretty.
We want to make it very clear that we don’t approve of or advocate adultery. We don’t advocate adultery for the royal family or for anyone else. However, if we are to fairly judge or at least understand, we must acknowledge that Camilla Parker Bowles has captured and kept the love of the Prince of Wales. Despite the fact that she seems to have rejected makeup and plastic surgery (which she could well afford) and, as far as we know, has never developed a relationship with a treadmill, Charles discarded his very young and very beautiful wife because he couldn’t stop loving Camilla. Could she have qualities that Princess Diana did not? Are those qualities more important, at least to Charles, who could have his pick of beautiful women, than surface looks or youth? For both Charles and Camilla, they must be. They are clearly committed to each other—no matter what other people think.
Fortunately, after a while most older women in solid relationships with younger men cease noticing the visible differences and focus instead on the similarities. We have observed that this sense of shock and revulsion described by Clara after she saw her reflection with her younger beau usually occurs when it’s the woman’s first experience with a much younger man and only in the very early stages of the relationship. Still, as Camilla must know, it can be extremely uncomfortable, if not cruel.
Build a Protective Bubble
If you are a first time player in the younger man/older woman game, you’ll need to build a protective bubble around yourself. The insulation you need is your ability to focus on yourself as a part of a valued couple. You belong there. He picked you. He could have made any other choice, but he chose to be with you. He loves you and thinks you are beautiful, both inside and out. If it helps, think Camilla.
By focusing more on your similarities rather than your differences, you will begin to accept the outer image as simply an image—it doesn’t define who you are nor does it limit you. If this is your first relationship with a younger man, you may experience heightened sensitivity to the glances or stares from others. How incredible that women—in this day and age—must endure such a double standard and judgmental society. Movies that portray a fifty or sixty-year-old man romancing a thirty-year-old woman appear to be perfectly acceptable. Does that man, in a real life scenario, doubt himself? Does he scrutinize his wrinkles? Does he feel shame, insecurity and societal judgment? Of course not—it’s not even a consideration.
The protective bubble in which you must envelop yourself is also a state of mind. If you already have it and none of this bothers you, great. You are ahead of the game. However, if you are sensitive to the outside world, we suggest arming yourself with some rational thinking. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to design your life as you like and if others don’t like it—well, it’s not their life and therefore