Older Women, Younger Men. Felicia Brings

While he is courting you, pay attention to and be respectful of his financial status. Let him take you out and treat you like his date. Remember that he follows the same rules as any other man who takes you out. You may be surprised by how much fun you can have going to the zoo or roller skating. Being open and flexible will pay off in unexpected ways.

       What is Appropriate at Holiday Time and Special Occasions?

       When Christmas and birthdays do roll around, don’t spend only in accordance with your income level, especially if it is higher than his. Spend approximately what he would on you. If you buy him lavish gifts priced well beyond what he can afford, it takes away the specialness of his gifts to you. Don’t rob him of his masculine role and certainly don’t rob him of his incentive. If the money is burning a hole in your wallet, take yourself to a day spa and spend it on pampering yourself. If you buy him expensive gifts, it burdens him with the pressure of having to buy you something extravagant just to keep up or save face. This will only build resentment.

       When a man really loves you, he will save for months to get you something special. His biggest complaint will be that he didn’t know what to get you, because, to him, you already have everything. Tom, age twenty-four, bought Rita, age forty, a beautiful bronze statuette of a woman with a leopard caressing her leg like an adoring kitten. He told her that was how she looked to him, beautiful, gracious and elegant. Perhaps he saw himself as the smitten cat. An auto mechanic, Tom spent four months salary on that gift. He had struck a deal with the gallery owner to begin paying for it well before Christmas so that it could be under the tree in time. Would you spend four months salary on anyone? Probably not. Enjoy being the recipient; it’s a better position to be in.

       Creative Gifts

       Give him gifts that are either creative or experiential. Creative gifts (which take his interests and hobbies into account) might include a book on football, a video on bodybuilding, a subscription to a magazine he really likes or anything that shows that you’ve noticed what is important to him. After seven months of dating each other exclusively, Linda, forty-six, got Tony, twenty-nine, Christmas presents that reflected his many diverse interests: A CD for meditation, a book on the therapeutic use of herbs, an aromatherapy candle and a book on bodybuilding. It took her time to seek out each one of these items, but what it showed Tony was that she knew what was important to him and supported those things. He was very touched, as he was by the lovely card that she made for him.

       Experiential Gifts

       An experiential gift is simply an experience that you and your younger man can share. If you both enjoy hiking, how about spending a day in the country? Perhaps you could go on a picnic or spend an evening at the theater if there is a show you’re both eager to see. Go away for a weekend to some place romantic that he could not afford to take you, but where you would both like to go.

       The experiential gift is a chance for you to enjoy your time together and to share a treasured experience. As we look back on our lives, it’s hard to remember every gift we’ve been given for holidays and special occasions. We do remember, however, our special experiences, like those great vacations or horseback riding trips on the beach or the way the sun set on that spectacular golf course by the ocean’s edge. Experiential gifts are planned and tailored not only to his special interests, but just as importantly, to yours. Do something that’s comfortable and fun for both of you. As far as embarking on a longer vacation together, we suggest that you consider it only after the relationship has been very well established and he is on an equal footing with you in terms of his commitment and contribution to the union.

       The point is to minimize the discrepancy between your income and his. But if you are fortunate enough to have a younger man who is very successful, congratulations! You can still give him creative gifts that honor his uniqueness and areas of interest, as well as carefully thought out experiences. Remember, even if he is very substantial financially, that does not give you permission to shower him with gifts! Don’t take the privilege of being a woman away from yourself. Instead, give him the opportunity to experience a woman’s happy response to a generous man.

Chapter 7

       Resist Becoming “The Source”

       I learned my lesson with this one. I took care of him, gave him what he wanted and he ended up hating me for it. I’ll never do that for a man again—of any age!

       Sandy (age 56)

      For many of us women, giving and taking care of others’ needs has been a way of life. We have been nurturing, supportive and always there for someone else. It is part of our nature AND it is learned behavior, but at this point in our lives it becomes necessary for us to learn how to receive. Receiving is as important as giving. It is an intrinsic part of the same cycle. Unfortunately, our society has established an unspoken law that giving is good and receiving is bad.