What other people think, especially if the other people are a sizable majority, affects us. We may not consciously agree with them, but if they state their cases loudly and frequently enough they can make us doubt our own beliefs. We must actively resist this. Friends, family, neighbors and well-meaning associates may tell you that this relationship can’t work out; that he’s just using you, that he’ll dump you later for a younger woman or that you’re insane to believe that this is anything more than just a fling. We are all very vulnerable to the collective consciousness, because it activates our own deepest fears. If we buy into these beliefs to any degree, we will mistrust and doubt and ultimately end up sabotaging our relationship. We will have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Does the older man who is involved with a younger woman have to put up with all these doomsayers? Hardly! “Good for you,” the world says to him admiringly. Remember, by being involved in a relationship with a younger man we have made a life choice outside of the conventions of the tribe. Let’s not fall victim then to the pressures of tribal thinking and judgmental attitudes.
Keep in mind the dynamic that allows a younger woman to be attracted to a much older man. He may not have Tom Cruise’s looks, a tight, muscular body or a head full of thick, “I want-to-run-my-fingers-through-it” hair. What he does have (at least in her eyes) is power, sophistication, knowledge, life experience and vision. These are profoundly sexy attributes and we can certainly relate to how a younger woman would fall for a guy who embodies them. Why not allow ourselves to see that the reverse is equally true. We possess some or all of these qualities and young men think we’re exciting because of them. We just need to remember this a lot more often.
This was a strong, really powerful woman. She took no nonsense from anyone, she asked for what she wanted directly and she didn’t play any kinds of games. It totally turned me on. This woman’s power was so sexy to me. She had money, position, made choices that I could only describe as wise and she absolutely flaunted all of it. She was definitely the woman of my dreams.
Larry (age 27)
I was really taken with Liz. She was a complete woman—powerful, sexy and confident. I wanted everything to be perfect. This woman was so different from anyone else I was seeing—she had everything I was looking for and more.
Paul (age 40)
I’d been dating “throw-a-ways”—you know, the kind of girl you see a couple of times and that’s it. Then I met Paula. She was smart, cool and interesting. I could talk to her about anything. I never thought she’d take me seriously—as more than a friend. She could have any guy she wanted—why me?
Louis (age 29)
What to Do If You Are Being Judged:
If you find yourself the object of judgment and censure by your friends, we suggest you reassess your values. Are these the types of people you really want in your life? How important are these friendships if they don’t support you and your choices?
Do these friends care about your happiness or do you make them uncomfortable because you no longer conform to their rules? Are they only “situational” friends—united by a common interest or activity? Determine if the benefits of such friendships are worth the time and effort to work things out.
There will certainly be those friends and family members who are concerned about this relationship of yours, but their intentions are to protect you from being hurt. If you feel that’s the case, give them time. As they witness the solidity of your relationship, they will probably come around and be accepting. However, those people who are not concerned about your happiness and are simply threatened by your choice will also reveal their attitudes in time. Listen to your inner feelings and respond accordingly.
We can’t emphasize strongly enough the importance of holding your head high in the face of social censure and criticism. You have done nothing wrong and nothing for which you should feel ashamed.
The thoughts you harbor about yourself and your relationship affect the thoughts and judgments of those around you. If you value yourself in the relationship and radiate pride in your partner, others will respond in kind. We’ve all heard the expression “As within, so without.” The more you feel secure and confident about your relationship, the more others will as well.
If you find yourself excluded from the social scene of which you were once an active member, then back off graciously. Don’t try to push your way back in. Let them come to you, which they will very likely do in time. Their curiosity will see to that!
Don’t talk excessively about your relationship. You think it’s great and of course you want to discuss the details, at least with other women. Use caution and common sense. Bite your tongue when in a non-accepting crowd. Information can become ammunition. Even if you were up until two in the morning basking in candlelight and hot oils for a night that you could swear created a tremor on the Richter scale, zip your lip. Be discreet. Some people will get jealous and twist every detail. Remember that you’re probably the only one in your group staying up all night romping around in bed. Don’t give others more fuel for their jealousy.
Be discreet about what he does for a living if his career is not on an equal footing with your peer group. It’s more ammunition that could be used against you. “She’s living with an auto mechanic,” they might whisper among themselves (particularly if you are in a profession yourself). Even “He’s only in entry level sales” can be turned into a malicious remark.
If people ask you direct and overly personal questions about the relationship, switch topics. “So, how are you and Jack doing? Does he still have that mistress in New York?” or “How’s the diet going—have you started it yet?” Such remarks will definitely turn the attention away from you—at least for a while.