A Cultural Identity Crisis
Unfortunately, our culture encourages us to define ourselves based on “what” we do rather than “who” our friends are. Think about the experience of a college student: How often do you hear students asking each other the questions “What is your major?” or “What do you want to do when you grow up?” Now, think about the working young adult: How often do you hear the question “What is your role?” or “What do you do for a living?” These questions reflect a popular ideology to which most of us implicitly adhere. It says, “You are defined by what you do, what you study, and what job you have.”
In the short term, this ideology can result in many positive things. It can help us achieve high levels of success in the business world, marked by promotions and raises. We may build upon our talents or attain financial stability. The act of “doing” can help us get a house, a white picket fence, and a dog that barks until the neighbors complain.
But in the long run, without relationships, friendships, or community, we will never find fulfillment. Based on this realization, it is important that we break away from the popular ideology of “what” we do and instead consider “who” our friends are.
The first step is to recognize how we define our identity as young adults. We must define ourselves, at a granular level, based on our relationships. The band Family and Friends sings, “I am a collection of the places I’ve been, the people I’ve known, my relationships, and my family, my friends.” Their music captures the true essence of identity: Every person we meet impacts our lives. That impact, whether it is positive or negative, will stick with us. Over time many of these relationships may grow into a web of relationality, known as a community. As a result, we are no longer defined by one relationship, but by many. Identity grows as community grows.
For many of us, the college years are integral for the development of personal identity. For instance, many of the opinions that we’ll hold for the rest of our lives are formed during this period. Our senses of humor will be molded around the jokes and stories that we hear each day. Our use of language and ability to communicate will take shape around the activities in which we participate. As the college years pass, we will learn at an increasing rate how each component of our personal identity, in some way or another, is rooted in the relationships that we make and the conversations that we have.
The same applies to a community made in the workplace. Simple relationships between coworkers can bud into lasting friendships. A cubicle conversation, or a word in passing, can turn into beers after work or basketball on Saturday mornings. A simple invitation to lunch can lead to expressions of vulnerability and trust that help us learn more about ourselves and each other.
We can see, in the examples of college life and the workplace, that community is the foundation for personal identity. Yet we quickly learn that the process of finding a community takes time and energy. Some friendships are made in the first week of college or a new job, then slowly fade throughout the following years. Or random conversations between strangers turn into lifelong friendships. We may refer to this phase in life as “searching for an identity” when, in reality, we are searching for friendship.
Throughout this chapter, I’ll encourage you to think about friendship in a new way and reflect upon it at a deeper level.
Why?
Friendship is one of those interesting topics that isn’t normally discussed. It evades our reflection because it occurs so naturally between us and others. We tend to take it for granted and, in general, most of us would choose to hang out with friends rather than talk about our friendships. Most of us would choose to hang out with friends rather than talk about our friendships. But if we accept that we are defined by our relationships, then it only makes sense to reflect upon these relationships. We can learn a great deal about ourselves (and our identity) when we come face to face with our friendships, the communities we have formed, and the communities that have formed us. Our purpose is clear: We must try to label and understand the communities that give us our identity.
Join me as we answer the question, “With whom do you drink?” We will quickly see how much of an influence, both constructive and destructive, one friend can have on another.
You’ve Got a Friend in … Aristotle?
Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics is a text commonly assigned by philosophy professors and is universally accepted as one of the most foundational texts from antiquity. Saint Thomas Aquinas cites it countless times. Catholic ethics draws upon, and elaborates upon, many of the ideas that Aristotle introduced. Among Aristotle’s ideas that resonate with Christian thought are his reflections on the human soul, the gift of human reason, and the process of discernment that we must use when we make a moral decision. These are traditionally understood as “philosophical” topics — the type that can put many of us to sleep. Then he explores a topic that isn’t traditionally grouped with ethics and philosophy: friendship. According to Aristotle, ethics and friendship are intimately bound together. Ethics and friendship are intimately bound together. This connection is worth exploring in detail.
Aristotle proceeds to break down friendship6 into three groups: friendships of usefulness, pleasure, and virtue. Understanding each type of friendship will help us reflect upon our own friendships and, as a result, our identity.
Friends of Usefulness
Creating a LinkedIn page is a common practice for most young adults. Career counselors are quick to emphasize the benefits; each “connection” functions as a foot in the door for a potential employer. We can endorse one another and share information through a seemingly infinite network. The possibilities are endless.
But wait, there’s more! The entire human race can become a network of potential connections that can be useful for business growth or financial success. Our list of “connections” might start out with middle-school classmates, family members, or that random guy we met in a coffee shop. It then grows to “connections” with those we’ve never met: a coworker’s former coworker, a cousin’s current boss, an employee across the world who worked with a neighbor. We can judge our connections based on their ability to introduce us to more people or opportunities. In the end, the goal is success.
I invite you to think about this question: Would you say that you are friends with each “connection” on LinkedIn? Probably not. Does this mean that you should delete your account and boycott the service? No. We all know that these connections are not negative, per se. But it is important to realize that these “connections” do not constitute what most people would define as a strong friendship.
A vice-presidential candidate offers a perfect illustration of this type of mutually beneficial “connection.” Presidential candidates will carefully appoint vice-presidential candidates during an election season based on who will represent a pool of voters that the presidential candidates don’t reach on their own. The decision is a political move that has repercussions for each party involved. This “connection,” a friendship of usefulness, is mutually beneficial.
A similar type of contract, albeit unspoken, is visible on a college campus. Certain friendships are made early in the year that are beneficial for students. Crafty students will seek out the overachievers in a class and will try to gain access to their study guides in the days leading up to an exam. Underage students will befriend the floormate who owns a fake ID, or has an older sibling, to get their hands on a case of beer. We quickly learn who we must know in order to gain access to a particular party. These friends are beneficial as long as they get our names on the list.
Friendships of this kind are good only as long as they are useful, which means