That pesky inner critic can also show up when we talk negatively about ourselves to other people. Phrases like, “I’m so lazy,” “I’m not good at XYZ,” and “I’m sorry I’m so boring,” are all ways our critical inner voice leaks out. It’s our way of expressing that we aren’t happy with ourselves.
The inner critic constantly reinforces any false belief we may have that we are unlovable, unworthy, and never enough.
Like Kristina, we can let this voice keep us from lifting ourselves up and striving for our goals. It tells us that we’ll never amount to anything, and we ask ourselves why we even try. If we can’t do it perfectly, we may as well not do it at all, we tell ourselves. At the same time, we hold ourselves to impossible standards of perfection that we don’t expect from anyone else. It’s understandable if other people make mistakes, but we think we should never make mistakes, because that indicates we are stupid and weak. Other people may struggle to keep their lives together, but we have to maintain perfect work/life balance or we’re failing in our relationships. We love many other people who may not be beautiful or successful by any worldly standard, but unless we lose a certain amount of weight, look a certain way, have a particular job, make a certain amount of money, or own a particular type of home, we are failures. The trouble with holding ourselves to standards of perfection is that we will always be disappointed because (news flash!) no one is perfect.
Sometimes it’s easier to see this when it comes to other people. We are quick to offer words of support and encouragement when someone else is struggling in any way. Why do we withhold that same kindness from ourselves?
While we may not neglect ourselves to the same extent as Kristina (or Jeffrey and Anna from the previous chapter), our belief that we aren’t worth taking care of can show up in many other ways. When day-to-day life seems overwhelming, zoning out in front of the TV eating a bowl of cereal is much easier than dragging ourselves to the gym for a workout. Skimping on sleep is somehow easier than getting to bed on time. We’d rather stay up late watching TV, which inevitably means getting up in a rush the next morning, after hitting the snooze button one too many times. Neglecting self-care can also look like snacking on a candy bar instead of eating a well-balanced meal, or feeling like you have to say yes to every request at work or favor asked by a friend.
When we listen to our inner critic, we give in to not expending the time and energy it takes to take care of our needs. And we can be very creative with our excuses for neglecting self-care. Typical excuses include:
• I don’t have the time.
• I don’t have the energy.
• People need me (family, coworkers, friends).
• That time in front of the TV is the only “me time” I get in a day.
• What are you talking about? I’m fine — I don’t need much anyway.
Do any of these sound familiar? If you consistently relegate your own well-being to the back burner, you probably need to take a look at what’s going on. Why are you so bent on achieving impressive things in your work, to the detriment of your health? Why do you bend over backward to make sure everyone likes you? Or why do you keep falling back into the bad habits and cycles that leave you feeling miserable and defeated? On some level, you’re probably listening to that mean voice in your head — or trying your hardest to prove it wrong.
Silence Your Inner Critic
Listening to our inner critic and neglecting self-care are often deeply ingrained and, because of this, it can take time to learn a new way of thinking about ourselves and our self-worth. For most of us, that inner voice is a melding of many factors that have joined forces over the course of our lives to become the self-critical monologue we hear in our heads on a daily basis. Negative childhood experiences, criticism from our parents or other adults in our life when we were children, difficulty in school, friendship struggles, relationship challenges, and body-image issues all contribute to the formation of the inner critic. While everyone’s negative voice sounds different, unfortunately, no one is immune.
Thankfully, you don’t have to let your inner critic sabotage your life. You can break the cycle of self-defeating thoughts and actions.
Stopping the cycle begins with silencing that inner voice. It’s time to make a change. When you ignore your own needs, you set yourself up for long-term misery, and over time you reinforce the lie that you’re not worth the effort. It starts with small habits of neglect, such as regularly skimping on sleep, or consistently trading healthy meals for more convenient but less healthy takeout. Over time these small habits can snowball into bigger ones, like letting relationships slide. The result? You’re stressed, overwhelmed, overtired and exhausted, overworked, under-confident, and lonely.
To silence your inner voice, start by challenging it. Refuse to accept what your inner critic says as gospel truth. Even if the inner voice tells you it’s not worth it, take practical steps to care for your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. In the beginning it may feel counterproductive because your inner critic’s voice is so loud, but that’s okay. Keep challenging it.
That critical voice might tell you there’s no point in working out because it won’t make a difference. Challenging that voice means working out anyway and giving yourself the opportunity to experience the benefits of exercise. That critical voice might tell you that you have to say yes to every request that comes your way. Forget the fact that your calendar is completely booked, if your friend asks for your help planning a surprise party, you feel the pressure to say yes. Challenging your inner critic means acknowledging your schedule is overbooked and sending your regrets to your friend. The more you challenge the lies your inner critic feeds you, the quieter that voice will get, the better you’ll feel (emotionally and physically), and the more you’ll believe that you are lovable and worthy just as you are.
Be Kind to Yourself
Taking better care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being means changing the way you treat yourself each day — beginning with the way you speak to (and about) yourself. Commit today to being as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else. Try to be kind when thinking about yourself. Try to be kind when speaking to yourself. Try to be kind when you are feeling run-down and lousy. Try to be kind when you are struggling with a tough situation. Treat yourself with kindness.
Hang in there and don’t give up. Not only is treating yourself with kindness important and beneficial for you, it’s a road map to becoming the most authentic version of yourself. And the wonderful thing about living a full and authentic life is that it has a spillover effect. You are a better friend, parent, daughter, son, coworker, partner, etc., to the people in your life. When you radiate the knowledge that you are a unique human being worthy of being loved, it’s contagious, and others experience it and benefit from it.
Reflection Questions
1. What specific lies does your inner critic tell you?
2. Are there particular times/situations when your inner critic’s voice becomes louder?
3. How does believing your inner critic negatively affect your life? How do you neglect your self-care as a result of the inner critic’s lies?
Discussion Questions
1. What kind of impact does a person’s inner critic have on their emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being?
2. Why do we so easily accept the lies our inner critic tells us about ourselves, yet immediately see the lies when our friends speak badly of themselves? Why do we hold ourselves to a different standard?
3. Think of