When we listen to our inner critic, we start to believe that the lies it tells us over and over are true, and then we start to act as if they are true. It’s a fact of our human nature that when we hear something repeated over and over again, we start to believe it’s true (even if it’s not). What happens when we listen to the repeated lies of our inner critic? Often, we start to neglect our well-being on some level, either because we believe the inner critic when it tells us we’re not worth it, or because we’re trying so hard to prove it wrong that we don’t give ourselves permission to invest in our well-being. These habits of neglect might start to show up in little ways such as not getting enough sleep, indulging in escapes like TV or junk food, letting our exercise routine fall by the wayside, or allowing ourselves to feel inferior to everyone else whether comparing looks or talents. And, if left unchecked, this self-neglect can snowball and become much worse over time, creating or exacerbating many other problems.
Trying to Prove the Voice Wrong
Though Kristina’s experience was an extreme example of the way negative self-talk holds us back, many of us allow similar self-defeating thoughts to sabotage our lives and make us miserable. Listening to the inner critic fuels the underlying belief that we aren’t good enough just as we are, and that we are unworthy. This perpetuates the cycle of not feeling good enough: I don’t like myself very much, and my inner critic reminds me constantly that I’m not perfect, so this, in turn, reinforces my belief that I’m not good enough. It’s a painful cycle to be in, and a tough cycle to break.
Different people tend to deal with this critical inner voice in different ways. Some of us get stuck in the same old bad habits of self-sabotage. Like Kristina, we respond to our belief that we are damaged or flawed by setting ourselves up to fail. Procrastination is an example of this that most of us can relate to. (Sometimes I think I’m an expert procrastinator when it comes to writing!)
If you’re a procrastinator, think about the last time you were facing a deadline and ask yourself why you put off working on that project. Perhaps deep down you were afraid you didn’t possess the qualities needed to perform well. By waiting until the last minute to complete a project, you have a built-in excuse if the project doesn’t turn out the way you hope. “I ran out of time,” or “I could have done a better job if I wasn’t rushed,” is a lot easier to deal with than, “Even though I had plenty of time, I struggled with this project and I still didn’t do as well as I’d hoped, and now I feel like a failure.” Fearing that you don’t have what it takes can be intimidating, so, often, it’s easier to give yourself an excuse than to face even the possibility that you aren’t perfect. The trouble is, none of us is perfect, and mistakes will happen — but making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a failure. If you make unrealistic perfection your standard, you will always be disappointed.
Others respond to the inner critic by throwing themselves into work or other projects, pushing themselves to the breaking point in an effort to prove the negative thoughts wrong. The often-unspoken motivation is: The more power I have, the more important I am; the bigger the number on my paycheck, the more I can prove to my inner critic that I really am worth something.
I personally experienced this during my graduate training in Washington, D.C. While I made several meaningful friendships and professional relationships, there seemed to be a general attitude in the city that power, busyness, and self-importance were more important than meaningful connections and relationships. Often, people were more interested in the networking and opportunities a new acquaintance could provide someone than in an authentic relationship. There was an uncomfortable undercurrent of “I’m only interested in what you can do to help me further my career” in many social interactions. At social events, the first question asked was, “What do you do?” Far from being a harmless question, this turned potential new friendships into transactions, like we were in a game of one-upping each other. I distinctly remember someone telling me with pride that they “worked on the Hill.” I knew very well that they were interning for the summer and probably just fetching coffee and making copies, but they wanted to make themselves sound as important as possible.
Others fight their inner critic by spending all their energy trying to ensure that they are well-liked and that everyone is happy with them. I’m reminded of an old acquaintance of mine who used to try to buy the friendship of others. He would insist on unnecessarily covering the check at birthday dinners or buying expensive gifts for friends and acquaintances alike. Often, people would try to take advantage of his generosity. In reality, he didn’t have much confidence in his likability and tried to mask it by excessive generosity.
Unfortunately, when we measure our self-worth by a paycheck, or by the power we have, or by how much people like and admire us, sooner or later it backfires. The truth is, we’re never satisfied when it comes to power, money, or the admiration of others, and we will always want more. Yet power, money, and the admiration of others can disappear in an instant. They’re not a reliable foundation on which to base your self-worth.
How to Recognize and Reject That Inner Voice
Often, we don’t even realize that there’s a running monologue of self-defeating thoughts in our heads until we take a step back to look for them. Usually, we just accept these thoughts as fact and let them guide our actions. And the more we listen to and accept these thoughts as facts, the more deeply ingrained they become.
But I will let you in on a little-known fact: Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that thought is true. Really! Think about how many times you’ve had a random thought appear out of the blue. For example, maybe your friend has been acting evasive lately when you try to make plans for dinner with them. You can’t help but think maybe they don’t want to spend time with you anymore. But is this true? Maybe. But it could also be that your friend is being evasive because they are planning a surprise birthday party for you, or they are distracted by a stressful work week or a difficult family relationship. Once you know the facts, it’s easy to see that your initial belief wasn’t actually accurate.
Our thoughts are not always true, but some thoughts are easier than others to dismiss. Most of our thoughts aren’t very powerful — or, as I like to say, very “sticky” — but the thoughts our inner critic feeds us are very sticky for some reason. Yet the thoughts your inner critic feeds you are simply … not … true.
Take a step back and ask yourself what that voice inside your head is telling you. What kind of lies is it feeding you on a daily basis? If you’ve never tried to stop the lies your inner critic is feeding you, it can be difficult even to recognize them at first, because they are so deeply ingrained. Here’s a clue to help determine whether your negative thoughts are coming from your inner critic or from your authentic (and more accurate) self: if the thought is negative and coming from a place from fear, it’s probably your inner critic.
For example, many of my friends and I can have trouble accepting compliments. Even something as simple as “I love your scarf” can be uncomfortable to hear. It’s easier to respond with, “Oh, I couldn’t decide what to wear this morning so I grabbed this in a hurry, but it’s actually a pain to wear,” when a simple “Thank you!” would have been sufficient.
Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? For many of us, it’s because we believe it when our inner critic tells us we don’t deserve it. A “congratulations” or a “job well-done” on a work project, or even a compliment on our physical appearance, seems like a lie. Rather than boosting confidence, compliments serve as an uncomfortable reminder that we aren’t happy with ourselves.
Similarly, we all have those friends who are always apologizing, even if something isn’t their fault. Their emails, texts, and phone calls always begin with “Sorry to bother you, but …” While it seems harmless enough, this simple phrase communicates that they feel like