Appendix 1: Sample Personalized Self-Care Action Plans
Introduction
“I remind myself to be kind to myself, and as slightly ridiculous as it may sound, to treat myself in the same gentle way I’d want to treat a daughter of mine. It really helps.”
— Emma Stone, actress
Self-care is a term therapists toss around on a daily basis, but not many people outside the world of therapy have a good sense of what it means. Too often it’s mistakenly viewed as an excuse to behave selfishly.
My goal in this book is to challenge that misconception and provide you with the understanding and the tools to create a balanced self-care plan — a plan that will transform your life. Why is self-care so important? Most of us rush through each day running on fumes, fitting in meals where we can or while on the go — if we remember to eat at all — getting little sleep, and feeling perpetually behind. It’s not a very fulfilling way to live.
When we aren’t our best selves, it shows. Think about it: When you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, you simply can’t be the friend, family member, significant other, coworker, or boss that you want to be. Even worse, neglecting our well-being makes it nearly impossible to live life as authentic Christians, because we aren’t caring for ourselves the way God calls us to. After all, Jesus tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:39, emphasis added).
It’s far too easy to come up with excuses for not taking care of ourselves. We don’t have time. Other people (our families, our children, our colleagues, our friends) need us, and we want to be there for them. We put a lot of other things ahead of our own well-being, often because we think we have no choice. After all, this is what being a good person demands of us, right? Of course, we do need to love our neighbor, but we can’t do that if we aren’t laying the foundation through the habits of self-care. And to lay that foundation properly, we need to be okay with ourselves and with taking care of our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
Starting with your own well-being gives you the road map you need to become your best self. When you recognize that you’re worth taking care of, your priorities shift and become clearer. Nourishing your own well-being frees you to be your best self for others in the specific way that God has called you to, whether that’s as a parent, a spouse, a coworker, or a friend.
Authentic self-care is anything but selfish. It’s a disciplined way of life that lays the groundwork for everything else, from your work to your relationships. As you read this book, you’ll learn tips and tools for prioritizing your well-being in a healthy way, not only for your own good, but so that you can be more fully present and available to others.
How to Use This Book
This book is broken into two parts. Part I makes the case for prioritizing self-care. We are complex creatures, and it’s important to understand the reasons why we often fail to take good care of ourselves — and why that’s a problem — before we can start making changes to our lifestyle. Part Two breaks self-care down into physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual self-care, explaining why each of these areas should be a priority and offering examples of ways you can put each type of self-care into action. The second section also contains a Self-Care Action Plan and sample plans for your reference.
This book is designed to be an easy reference for you, so approach it in whatever way is most helpful to you right now. You can read the book from cover to cover, or you can flip to the sections that resonate most. Reflection questions or takeaways at the end of each chapter are designed to help you apply the concepts covered to your own life. Separate discussion questions are meant for a group setting and to help spark conversation on these topics. There is also note-taking space provided for you to journal, reflect, and keep notes as you read.
Try to approach this book and topic with an open mind. The ideas and strategies presented here are meant to help you let go of any self-critical thoughts and beliefs that may be holding you back from living a full and authentic life in the unique way God has called you. While I work as a therapist and my job is to help other people heal and live better lives, I am certainly not perfect when it comes to self-care. I know what it’s like to encounter self-doubt, and to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I’ve been there, and many of the strategies I present here I’ve used myself and have experienced their benefits. Believe me when I say I know what it’s like to try to juggle the demands of everyday life without completely falling apart. But I also know it’s possible to find lasting health, peace, and joy. We’re in this together!
Part I
Know Your Worth
Chapter 1
Why Do I Feel This Way?
“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.”
— Jean Vanier, humanitarian
What’s Really Going On
When Jeffrey came into my office, he appeared to be on a path to success. He was well-spoken, dressed impeccably in a coordinating dress shirt and tie, was well-organized, and projected an air of confidence. He had recently made a career change and had started working for a nonprofit. Fueled by a passion for serving others, Jeffrey threw himself into his work from the moment he started his job. He booked his days full with meetings and projects and stayed up late to answer emails, return phone calls, and plan for the next day. His dedication was admired by his coworkers and bosses.
To the outside observer, Jeffrey seemed to have his life under control. But under the put-together image was another story.
Jeffrey was frustrated by the nagging sense that he wasn’t doing enough. His work wasn’t bringing him the fulfillment he thought it would. Instead of experiencing a sense of peace in his work, where he was serving people in need, he felt like he could never do enough to meet his own expectations. He relentlessly pushed himself to become even more involved in his work, operating on very little sleep and feeling perpetually exhausted.
“Why do I feel so inadequate if I am doing all of this good work to serve others?” he wondered. If you asked Jeffrey why he threw himself into his work to the point of burnout, he would tell you it was because he saw the great needs in the population he was serving. But deep down, something else was happening.
Over time, Jeffrey came to realize that underneath his hard work and put-together appearance, he didn’t really like himself. And it was easier for Jeffrey to ignore this uncomfortable reality by filling his days and nights with work (for a good cause, of course), rather than paying attention to his own needs. He hoped his work could prove to others that he was worth something even if he didn’t believe it himself. So he neglected himself and threw himself into his work. At his core, he didn’t believe he was worth taking care of.
This belief translated into dangerous habits of neglect. He ignored his own needs because he didn’t believe his well-being was a priority. He was not getting enough sleep, not eating properly, not exercising regularly (instead he would exercise intensely in short bursts, then go through long stretches of not exercising), and neglecting friendships and personal relationships. He suffered from depression and anxiety, and, without the protective buffer that self-care