Not only does the need for social acceptance influence the type of person someone might be drawn to, but it also influences the nature of the sexual activity they might engage in. An inhibitive aspect relating to the need for social acceptance drive theme is social prohibition, a sociocultural overlay that motivates avoidance of some sexual relationship possibilities. This is an aspect of the moral dimension,162 and assumes the capacity not only to refrain from entering proscribed sexual relationships, but also to disallow interest in such relationship. In this case, the ‘shoulds’ of sexual behaviour are not so much about the other person, but about one’s own behaviour, potentially inhibiting various expressions of sexuality such as the visiting of prostitutes, engaging in casual sex, sex with near relatives or ‘under age’ persons, and homosexual behaviour. Not all prohibitions are universal, and some are restricted to certain sociocultural contexts: these may also change with time.
The consumer drive is the need to get the ‘best deal’ in a sexual relationship so to not ‘miss out’.163 This contrasts with being satisfied in a sexual relationship when essential sexual and relational needs are met, regardless of what else might be possible. As such, it is about marketplace possibilities and a preparedness to move on if a relationship is no longer deemed worthwhile or ‘good enough’; or something ‘better’ presents itself. The sexual partner or sexual event is treated as a commodity or product: aspects of a person or relationship are measured to determine its worth. Any personal cost in the equation should not outweigh the perceived value of the product obtained. Despite the potential exploitive and dehumanising aspects, a reasonable aspect of this drive theme is the idea that each person is expected to bring into the relationship something of benefit to the other person — a ‘fair market exchange’ — ensuring reward value for both parties. It forms the basis of social-exchange theories of interpersonal relationships.164 The consumer drive, however, is not simply about the fact of reward gained in a sexual exchange (a necessary element in the dynamic of desire and attraction), but the basis upon which it is obtained. If I receive something freely given, I have been rewarded. The consumer drive, however, demands not just a reward in the social exchange, but a good deal, or perhaps the best reward it can expect in the circumstances.
What might be sought in a social exchange? A person might seek in the other person complementary qualities165 — looks, athleticism, ambition, intelligence, competence, humour, wealth, status, charm, character strengths; qualities with social value that might enhance their own status in society. Reeve (2005) observes that people ‘consider first the “necessities” and then the “luxuries” in mate preferences. At the “must have” necessities level, men value physical attractiveness and women value status and resources, [while] both sexes also rate intelligence and kindness as necessities in their possible mates… then men and women… consider luxuries like a sense of humour, liveliness, creativity, and an exciting personality’ (p. 98).166 It seems that the more highly women think about their appearance, the more important it is to attract a man of high status. Similarly, the more important wealth is to a man, the more important a woman’s youth and looks are to him.167 The value of what they can expect to obtain in the sexual equation is relative to how they measure their own value.
The product or reward sought is also informed by the social context. This context includes the media, what is ‘fashionable’, and the perceptions of what others are enjoying in their relationships, creating expectations of what a sexual relationship or encounter should provide. In fact, the media play a potent role in the marketing of sex as if it were a commodity, reinforcing this outlook. This drive lends itself to a competitive outlook, a ‘try before you buy’ attitude, to be confident you are satisfied with the product, and to potentially being critical of a partner in relation to their characteristics or ‘performance’.
Feeding off entitlement schemas, it can promote dissatisfaction and jealousy when comparing what one has or is experiencing with what others are perceived to have or to experience with their sexual partner. It can play a role in promiscuity and general relationship instability, as the consumer is always searching for something ‘better’ — in a sexual experience or in a sexual partner. In another sense, the commerce of prostitution and other marketplace sexual activities relates strongly to the consumer drive.168 This drive inhibits attraction to someone judged as not ‘good enough’ in terms of the expectations a person might have, but in this regard self-image is a moderating variable: a person with poor self-esteem will settle for less in the exchange than a person with good self-esteem.
The desire to rebel is a drive theme that appears to be the antithesis of the need for social acceptance, but it is in many ways reactive to non-acceptance and not having belonging needs met. It may be birthed in anger, bitterness or emotional pain in someone who feels unjustly let down or rejected by wider society, or by those that they see to represent wider society. As a result, a person may be drawn into behaviour or a relationship circumstance that is not acceptable to the prevailing social culture because it is not ‘acceptable’.169 ‘Not belonging’ is no longer a reason for distress, but becomes a point of pride. It can be a statement of heroic individuality which implicitly criticises or diminishes the community that the person doesn’t feel they belong to, or by which they feel rejected.
In a somewhat different context, the pain and anger emerging from sexual betrayal by a cheating partner170 may lead to the desire to punish the offender by sexual infidelity. Or more generally, by rebelling against any expectation that they should care about the person with whom sexual activity is entered into. In this respect this drive theme may overlap with the power motive: when a person feels not only angry but disempowered by their cheating partner, they may enter a sexual relationship in order to reassert their power. This may also find expression in the seduction of someone already in a relationship, because it gives the person the capacity to hurt and punish someone, just as they themselves have been hurt and feel punished.
There are other expressions of this drive theme. For example, a person may be drawn to sexually bond to someone who is not socially acceptable — one who represents the rebel, the outsider, the one who rejects social pressures. For someone who feels rejected and alienated, such a person may inspire admiration or empathy. Furthermore, the experience of joining forces with another person against a hostile world — a common enemy — also helps to forge a bond with that person.171 In a different sense again, this drive theme associates with the desire for release from the constriction of rules and authority along with the frustrations such rules and authority might induce, so that a person, relationship, or experience is intentionally sought that does not conform to prevailing social mores. Related to this is the thrill in being different, or in doing something one ought not to do: sexual arousal can be experienced in engaging in activities regarded as taboo.
Because of the elements of non-conformity and social alienation, this drive theme may be linked to