While this drive theme might be linked to the drive to procreation (at least, for a heterosexual person), the drive to procreation has as focus the desire for children so that fertility becomes important; while attraction to gender traits relates directly to desiring and enjoying features of gender-associated traits regardless of whether children are desired. There is overlap with the drive to curiosity and discovery, where difference is a key component;150 but here the difference is specifically about gender. There is also overlap with the compulsion to eroticism, but again, here sexual desire is about attraction to gender traits rather than sexual arousal for its own sake.
As we have seen, defining ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’, like defining beauty, is an elusive task. Generally it reflects the attraction of a male to traits associated with ‘femaleness’ and the attraction of a female to traits associated with ‘maleness’, and is the basis for heterosexual attraction. While gender is biologically influenced, cultural norms and expectations shape the expression of gender, especially in the social roles (as distinct to traits) ascribed to gender. Nevertheless, distinction is commonly made across cultures between male and female gender traits. Maleness relates variously to robustness, strength (generally physical, but also endurance or powerfulness in a psychological sense),151 dominance (or competitiveness), forcefulness, confidence in risky situations,152 courage, independence (or self-reliance), assertiveness, restricted emotional expression,153 and capacity for procreation (virility) — that is, to be able to produce the sperm that fertilises the female. Femaleness in turn, relates variously to gentleness, protectiveness, ‘prettiness’, nurturance, compassion, empathy, sensitivity, tolerance, caring, deference, and the capacity to generate and nurture new life from within.
It could be argued that the basis of attraction is that a man wants to have aspects of the feminine he doesn’t have within himself, while the woman wants to have aspects of the masculine she doesn’t have within herself. Each desires what they see in the other sex and don’t have within themselves (or only to a limited degree; but also without rejecting what they have in their own sex) — it is, in a sense, a drive for completeness, an embrace of both. In many respects each gender complements the other. The presence of her femininity serves to accentuate his masculinity, and vice versa. If he is comfortable with his masculinity and it is well integrated with his sense of self, he is likely to be drawn to a woman simply because the inherent difference reflected in her femininity — the ‘exotic’ element — enhances his masculinity.154 If, however, his sense of self does not have a strong alignment with masculinity, then her femininity does not serve to enhance his sense of masculinity. Instead, dissonance results, and her presence can add to confusion rather than clarification of his sense of self. In the heterosexual context, the sexual relationship could be seen as a celebration and embrace of both sexes and genders: the embrace of one’s own gender, and that of one’s opposite-sex partner.
SDP Themes Relating to Broader Social Needs
With these drive themes the overriding need is to belong to or be recognised by the wider society, rather than that the experience of belonging or validation being restricted to the sexual partner. Furthermore, there is generally a need for the social group to recognise our belonging together — we generally want to belong both to our sexual partner as well as to our society. The social recognition of such belonging becomes a basis for stronger commitment and more relationship stability.155 These drive themes have less to do with sexual desire than they do with social needs, so that the relevant drive themes reflect more indirect motives influencing sexual behaviour. It is about seeking out sexual activity that meets needs related to society: needs to be accepted, to prove something, societal position and empowerment, or needs reactive to social pressures. In this respect, a sexual relationship is viewed in terms of the social value a partner or the relationship itself might have.
In traditional society these drive themes also relate to issues of social class (traditional sociocultural sexual scripts have a strong emphasis on the social ramifications of the sexual relationship). But in contemporary society it might be understood in terms of social exchange theory. They also play an important role in adolescent sexual relationships, given the adolescent’s developmental need to establish themself socially. The drive to procreation is included here because, while the desire to have children might be a source of self-fulfilment or reflect relationship needs, it also represents a contribution to society at large, may be responsive to societal expectations, and has many implications in regard to the parents’ subsequent societal roles.
The power motive has played a central role in the politics of sexual relationships, and finds negative expression in coercion and aggression, issues of ongoing social concern. The sexual relationship can also be a statement of social position and power, and so is included here. Nevertheless, the power motive is also an intensely personal dynamic in sexual relationship, and could as easily have been listed under relationship-need themes of the SDP. Then again, for some the power motive has strong erotic elements (such as in BDSM situations), and so it could find its place among the themes of pleasure and desire. It is a theme that bridges different categories. In addition to the drive to procreation and the power motive, other SDP themes relating to broader social needs include the need to prove oneself, the need for social acceptance, the consumer drive, and the desire to rebel.
As a rite of passage and need to ‘prove’ oneself, this drive theme is largely about entering maturity. It is about expressing adulthood, self-discovery, asserting the completion of childhood and innocence, and embracing a new sense of self in a unique way with another adult through sexual experience.156 This means that it is a major drive theme in adolescence or young adulthood,157 although those afraid of leaving behind the joys and securities of childhood might suppress this drive. Its ascendance in a person’s SDP is generally short term, given the nature of its objective. It associates with the drive to find social acceptance, where acceptance in this case is found by undergoing the (sexual) rite of passage and being able to talk about sexual experience with peers as a badge of accomplishment and new-found maturity. Here sexual conquest or experience is the object: to a degree, who it involves is largely immaterial.
This need to ‘prove’ something might also find expression in various other sexual contexts. For example, it might involve a person trying to ‘prove’ his or her heterosexuality if there have been homosexual experiences or inclinations, or to ‘prove’ sexual desirability if there are self-esteem or body-image problems. For others, it might signify the need to ‘prove’ that the passion and virility of youth has not yet been lost in advancing age and may act as a drive to fend off a fear of sexual impotence or indifference, especially if this expression of masculinity or femininity is also about self-esteem and self-acceptance.
The need for social acceptance
The need for social acceptance is a drive theme that associates with the need to belong to a larger social or familial group. It associates with doing the ‘right thing’, with being seen as ‘normal’ and successful, and with being respected by others in the larger social circle.158 As such, this drive theme is strongly connected with the prevailing sociocultural sexual script. The need for social acceptance