This drive theme represents an important reward component of the drive profile. However, if it is not adequately balanced by other drive themes, it has the potential of promoting one’s own happiness and pleasure at the expense of the needs of the other person, or of the relationship itself. Given that to love someone implies focus on the other person’s needs and a degree of responsibility, tension may result when this drive theme and the need to love coexist. Nevertheless, mutual abandonment provides necessary reward and enhances connectivity in a sexual relationship.
To the extent that a relationship associates with responsibility and loss of freedom, it might incline some people towards sexual expression outside such responsibilities. It may even find expression in a form of mutual exploitation where two people stay in a relationship for as long as it serves the purpose of their recreation: should this no longer be the case, they leave. (By exploitation, I mean each person is used as a means to an end, and may indeed feel ‘used’ in this way. In this regard, it also associates with the consumer drive.) This drive theme may be ascendant for those that struggle with self-discipline,137 it may play a role in friends-with-benefits arrangements or in promiscuity, and it associates with media images linking sexuality with freedom and pleasure. Not uncommonly, the sexual encounter can simply become an ingredient, along with alcohol and perhaps drugs, of ‘having a good time’. Despite the risk of potentially negative outcomes in the long term where this drive is poorly managed, the recreational aspect of this drive theme is clearly positive and plays an important role in a person’s SDP.
The drive to curiosity and discovery
The drive to curiosity and discovery is a drive theme not only about the other person, but also about the self (both in relation to self-discovery and the sating of curiosity), and the various and diverse activities and experiences a sexual encounter might allow.138 This drive is essentially about revealing or discovering something new — in this case, in a sexual context. It involves the thrill of uncovering something, or the promise of a new experience. Novelty is a critical aspect.139 Associated to some extent with the power motive, discovery connects with the excitement of conquest, and the overcoming of interpersonal barriers. However, once the object of passion has been uncovered or discovered, this drive can quickly dissipate. The knowledge itself is not as exciting as the process of acquiring knowledge, the discovery process itself. The acquisition of knowledge is like being granted access to something new: this is why pornography involves many images. Each new image grants a momentary anticipatory excitement, but once uncovered, it loses its novelty power, and other images are sought.
This drive not only has the erotic dimension of entering unknown and perhaps forbidden territory (creating arousal), but also the stimulation and interest of ‘otherness’. That is, it seeks relationship experiences that are explorative in both a sexual and non-sexual way. There is also the element of mystery and risk that contributes to sexual arousal.140 Perel (2006) described passion or sexual excitement as deriving from the unknown, risk, and surprise. While the eroticism drive is about the desire for sexual arousal for its own sake, this drive theme has more to do with curiosity and the discovery of something new. However, curiosity, while a positive factor in learning, can lead a person into risky sexual situations. Linked with initiative and adventure, it is a drive more likely to be associated with the masculine.
Difference is a key factor (‘differences attract’) when it comes to discovering new experiences. To the degree that it overlaps with gender trait differences (see the attraction to gender traits) this is no doubt also an element in heterosexual attraction (the so-called ‘exotic species’ in Bem’s141 formulation). The search for difference may result in the pursuit of new situations and experiences and/or with people quite different from oneself. However, while difference can excite interest and enrich a relationship, it can also create suspicion and separateness. The inhibitory aspect of difference may arise from an inability to connect or relate to someone because of their different values, culture, language, race, religion, and so on. There is a common tendency to dislike those that disagree with us,142 and to be afraid of or distrust those we don’t understand, preventing closeness and empathy. In this regard, the drive to curiosity and discovery plays an important role in the initiation of sexual activity, but potentially interferes with the long-term maintenance of a sexual relationship. This drive theme may be a factor in the SDP of people involved in affairs, promiscuity, visiting prostitutes, accessing pornography, and in some homosexual or bisexual experiences, although it is a drive that seeks variety in sexual experiences in the context of conventional long-term heterosexual relationships as well.
The attraction to beauty or physical attractiveness plays an important role in sexual attraction.143 But this raises several conundrums: the definition of beauty; the nature of the drive towards beauty; and the role of beauty in sexual desire. Philosophers and social researchers have long sought to define beauty. Physical attractiveness may relate to body shape, facial features,144 skin texture, clothing, posture, fragrance and other characteristics. Yet there are other qualities in a person that may influence the perception of sexual attractiveness beyond the physical, such as a sense of ‘presence’ or strength of character, a positive outlook, depth and humour, and a capacity to embrace life. Both physical and personality characteristics may in turn reflect a person’s social status, their social awareness, and their general care and sensitivity. Beauty is furthermore influenced by cultural mores, by socialisation and media images which create meanings and associations around the idea of sexual attractiveness,145 and is to some extent context-dependent so that a person’s attractiveness is relative to others with whom comparison is made.146 Another element to the judgement of beauty relates to the observer’s past history. For example, certain features may associate with desirable qualities or with familiar people who have been loved and cherished in the past.
Why should beauty relate to sexual desire? It could be argued that physical attractiveness draws initial attention and interest, and so creates the motivation for a relationship to begin.147 Further, to have an attractive partner may be seen as a sign of social success, and enhances one’s social status (and so associates with both the consumer drive and the drive for social acceptance). And then, as with all desire, it may have to do with wanting to ‘own’ the beauty in the other person, to the extent that the enjoyment of their beauty gives pleasure in its own right. Yet the equation is not a simple one. While a person’s beauty might be recognised, it might also trigger a negative response in a sexual relationship sense, should a person feel inadequate by comparison — this will affect those with a poor self-image. When someone perceives themselves to be physically flawed or unattractive, they are less likely to be attracted to someone else, especially a physically attractive person, partly for fear of rejection, but partly because of self-rejection. Indeed, we often find a matching between partners in relation to perceived physical attractiveness, along the lines predicted by exchange theory.148
Conversely, unattractive personal features, whether perceived within oneself or perceived within another person, is an inhibitory aspect of this drive theme. As such, it may prevent initial interest in establishing a relationship with a person. This is a drive to reject the other person on the basis they have undesirable physical characteristics that may affect their social desirability, and by extension, the social status that comes from being in relationship with someone attractive. Alternatively, certain manners, habits, or personality characteristics may be deemed intrinsically unattractive, as might disfigurement from disease or injury, and so reduce sexual attraction.
The attraction to gender traits
The attraction to gender traits (the ‘X-factor’) — the inherent maleness and femaleness, and the meanings and ideas associated with gender