And as a consequence, we can never truly be seen or accepted. Either by ourselves or by others.
Contradictory Contradictions
Living in the glitter means being self-aware about the conflicting and contradictory areas of your life. Knowing that certain things about you don’t make sense and being okay anyway. It’s like admitting that you are a vegetarian who sometimes delights in a good, juicy burger.
Having awareness of our contradictory beliefs decreases the amount of internal stress that we experience, because it provides space for both the conflict and the solution. Internal discord comes from covering up (lying about) our periodic passion for burgers because it appears to be in conflict with our concurrent belief that vegetarianism is both healthier and a more environmentally sustainable way to live. Our beliefs don’t have to make perfect sense! When we are aware of our own contradictions, it means that we no longer feel compelled to lie to ourselves, our internal discord decreases, and we feel peace.
Holding contradicting beliefs isn’t the problem; pretending that our beliefs are always perfectly rational and noncontradictory is the problem. The fact that we aren’t neat little packages of culinary ideology — or anything else, for that matter — is not alarming. Nobody is that black-and-white about anything. What is alarming is the way we habitually lie to ourselves and to others, covering who we are and what we believe.
This habitual covering is so ingrained in us and our society that we don’t even realize we are doing it. Act I of this book is all about recognizing and releasing this covering. And since the thing that holds us back is often an unexamined belief or idea that has been a part of us since childhood, it can be difficult for us to see. Our subconscious minds and our childhood programming, in particular, are like the main operating system of a computer. The operating system runs all our various programs, and while we are aware of the various programs that are running, we are usually not aware of the main operating system until it interferes with those programs. Our own unexamined beliefs tend to stay really hidden, until we try to maneuver around them.
Which is why storytelling is so impactful to humans. Because we more easily see lessons through others than we do through ourselves. Not sure what I mean? Think of the parables of the Bible, the lessons in Aesop’s fables, or the lore of nursery rhymes. If someone accuses me of being needlessly dramatic, calling for help where none is necessary, I might become defensive or not fully comprehend. But tell me a story about a shepherd crying wolf, and I totally get it. Humans learn through story.
You know my coming-of-age stories and the ideas and beliefs that were formed as a result. Now let’s reflect on yours. But before we do, allow me to give you a friendly little warning about what to expect in the rest of Act I. Chapters 2 and 3 are the deepest, most introspective portions of the whole book, encouraging you to unearth the stories of your childhood, adolescence, and adulthood and reexamine them through a new and different lens. Use the “Living in the Glitter” filter questions to challenge your own long-standing beliefs and assumptions so you can be free to re-choreograph your life according to who you are today. Please do not read everything in one sitting! Break it down. Work through the stories of your childhood and stop. Allow yourself some time to ponder and reflect. Tackle your adolescence, then take a break. Move on to your adulthood when you feel ready. Allow yourself the grace and space to let this process unfold naturally, to trip the light fantastic and to really enjoy, without rushing toward Act II.
Your Childhood Wardrobe: Begin with a Classic Base Layer of Self-Judgment. . .
As odd as it might sound to those of us who were raised by parents who said things like, “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off, too?” one of the first things we teach children is how to compare and judge themselves against external standards. Instead of cultivating intrinsic motivation and self-satisfaction, our society layers on external rules and teaches children that their worth is based on how well they please others. Crazy? You betcha!
As young children, before our indoctrination into “who we are supposed to be” and “what we are supposed to do” is complete, we generally had no problem being exactly who we were, without shame or judgment. Whether we were shy and withdrawn or bold and daring, we had no problem showing it. We were unapologetic about what we liked or what we thought, and it wasn’t our concern if somebody else saw things differently. We were honest about who we were, and we were curious about life. If we were curious about something new and different, we approached it, seeking more. If we were frightened by something new and different, we announced our fear, hid our heads, or cried. Instead of pretending, judging ourselves, or making excuses, we expressed what we felt.
Before our childhood indoctrination, we lived out our truth, whether that truth was socially acceptable or not. If we wanted to color outside the lines, we did so with joyful abandon. We had no judgments about which toys were “appropriate”; we just knew what we liked, or explored freely until we did. We were unselfconscious and nonjudgmental, flaunting ourselves, laughing out loud, and smearing spaghetti in our hair simply to feel what spaghetti in the hair might feel like. We did not feel guilty for touching our bodies, sleeping in too late, or eating what we pleased, nor did we attempt to change ourselves based on the opinions of others.
We navigated our lives moment by moment, going from the jungle gym to the sandbox to the slides, with very few concerns. We didn’t try to contain our own emotions, and we comfortably expressed whatever we felt without embarrassment, judgment, or shame. Above all, we trusted that each day was designed especially for us, because as the center of our own universe, we deemed ourselves worthy of such magic.
And since we were not influenced much by the opinions of others, we were difficult to control.
Wise parents and caregivers who wanted us to succeed in life looked for ways to control us and to influence our behavior, guiding, socializing, and introducing us, step-by-step, into society. Boys may have had dolls taken out of their arms and been told, “You don’t want people to see you playing with a girl toy, do you?” Girls may have been told not to get dirty or play wild, “like a boy.”
But no matter what we were taught, the bottom line was, if we were good girls, who did what we were supposed to do, we would be rewarded; and if we were bad girls, who disobeyed, we would be punished. We were taught that disobeying the rules would hurt those around us and make us feel bad. We were taught that our obedience would please those around us, bringing us pride, joy, and satisfaction.
Let that sink in. We were taught to have shame. We were taught to judge ourselves. We were taught that other people’s opinions of us were more important than our own opinion of ourselves. In order to make us easier to control and easier to teach.
We were conditioned to believe that we could control other people’s happiness through our actions: “Don’t make Daddy mad by crying!” or “You will make Mommy so proud if you clean your plate!” What an enormous burden to carry! No wonder, as adults, we still believe that our obedience or conformity has earth-shattering implications for those around us. Perhaps, like me, you are so conditioned to please, to think that things can’t be done correctly unless you are involved, that you sometimes have a hard time saying no. Many of us, no matter how educated or self-aware, still fall into this type of goodgirl, people-pleasing syndrome, believing we can make others happy if only we try harder!
It is important to learn the beautiful traditions of our culture, our family heritage, and how to keep ourselves safe, healthy, and fun to be around. It is essential to know how to behave in public, respect others, and defer to authority. It’s just that, for many of us, the balance between learning to please and respect others. . .and learning to please and respect ourselves got lost. Many of us inadvertently learned to deny our emotions, condemn ourselves