(a)reject her belief that homosexuality is a sin, potentially setting herself at odds with the beliefs of her church, family, and other loved ones;
(b)avoid both the wedding and her firsthand knowledge and experience confirming her friend’s high-quality character and deep spiritual connectedness, possibly resulting in the termination of their friendship; or
(c)find a way to explain why both her conflicting beliefs could be true. In this instance, she rationalized that her friend and his partner were the one exception to the otherwise accurate belief that homosexuality is sinful, thus allowing her to attend and celebrate their wedding with joy and still hold both contradictory beliefs comfortably.
Cognitive dissonance — otherwise known as hypocritical behavior — allows us to maintain our belief system, ensures our survival, and makes us feel good about being a hypocritical, contradictory mess! Don’t fret; we’re all this way.
In looking at your own stories, can you identify where cognitive dissonance may have crept in? Probably not easily, which is why, before delving into the stories of your childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, we begin with the “Living in the Glitter” exercise. These filter questions provide new context and insight for the key moments and stories that affected you along the way. They help you challenge your own long-standing beliefs and put you in touch with your own hypocritical messiness so you can see your cognitive dissonance for what it is: a way to reject, explain away, or avoid anything that challenges the veracity of your beliefs.
Black, White & Glitter
Have you noticed that most of life is neither black nor white but some scintillating shade of glitter that you can’t quite name? One moment it looks gold, then the light catches it and it’s red, but then a silver fleck jumps into view. If you have ever listed out pros and cons to help you make decisions and then still not been able to decide, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. Wouldn’t life be easier if everything was just cut-and-dried? Look at how frequently news stories deal with elusive, shimmery shades of glitter. Did the officer shoot the suspect because he posed a viable danger and the officer feared for his life, or did he act unreasonably based on a racial bias? Whoa. Is this something we can ever answer with complete certainty? Probably not, and that uncertainty can be excruciating.
The discomfort that comes from living in this glittery confusion sometimes makes us want to pretend that things are clear and precise, even when they are not. Instead of admitting that life is filled with value judgments, errors, and complexities none of us could ever see through, we sometimes pretend that we can. And in slipping back into our black-and-white ways of thinking and reacting, we overlook the fact that sometimes, it is in the glittery, complex tragedies that the biggest gains and unexpected joys are born.
What are some of the black-and-white beliefs held by your family? If you are looking for a starting point, think about the biggies: race, gender, nationality, religion, marital status, political affiliation, level of education, and sexual orientation. But know that it’s usually the subtle ones, like A worthy woman sacrifices for her family that are more impactful.
Reading my story about student loans and my conviction that having debt was not okay, you probably won’t be surprised that one of the black-and-white beliefs held by my family was that wasting things (especially money) was wrong. Like really, really wrong. The energy crisis of the seventies was in full swing during my childhood, inflation and mortgage interest were on the rise, and my parents were living on one income.
The principle of not wasting is neither right nor wrong, black nor white. It simply is. However, my family’s black-and-white belief affected me, causing me cognitive dissonance around money and my own spending habits. I felt the need to justify my expenditures to myself, classifying all expenses as frugal, so as not to be wasteful and wrong. But the fact was, most of the decisions I made about money were neither frugal nor wasteful. They were just decisions!
Using the “Living in the Glitter” filter questions, I was able to see where I rejected the notion that being wasteful was okay, explained away why I needed to spend what I did, and avoided being honest about my spending or budgeting. I came to terms with the fact that I could be both frugal and wasteful at the same time and integrated new information and beliefs around money into my life, making me much happier and easier to live with. And since glitter is an all-season color, let’s embrace the glitter!
Living in the Glitter
Ask yourself these filter questions, and see what shifts for you. Move through the questions with a sense of curiosity and wonderment, as if you were watching a burlesque routine (Ohhhh, I can’t wait to see what’s underneath that!), instead of with blame, shame, or judgment.
1.Besides me, who around me holds this belief?
2.Is there a reason that I, or those around me, hold this belief?
Let me butt in for a moment here and explain what I mean by a reason for holding a certain belief. My grandpa was a pilot in both World War II and the Korean War. His experience, coupled with wartime propaganda, shaped his beliefs about those of Asian descent. A reason is not a justification. It does not excuse the belief or make it correct. It explains logically why someone would feel the way that they do. And until we discover those reasons, we are much less likely to create lasting change.
3.How is my belief true?
4.What evidence can I find that supports my belief, and what is the quality of this evidence?
Okay, okay, the preceding question is a tad lawyerly and a little ridiculous, I admit. It’s just that there may have been a time or two when I was more interested in being right than in really, honestly being right. And I may have gone to great lengths to prove a position that in my heart and head I knew wasn’t accurate. Mum’s the word. Perhaps you can relate.
5.How is my belief false?
6.What evidence can I find that is contrary to my belief, and what is the quality of that evidence?
7.Does this contradiction cause me mental angst or discomfort?
8.In what ways have I rejected this contradictory evidence?
9.In what ways have I attempted to explain away this contradictory evidence?
10.In what ways have I avoided looking at this contradictory evidence?
11.What would changing my belief mean for me, as well as for my relationships with others?
As you walk through the rest of this chapter and the next one, see if you can identify beliefs that arose as a consequence of your childhood stories.
Maybe it’s time you slipped into something a bit more comfortable?
How Black-and-White Thinking Leads to Self-Judgment
Living without conscious exploration of our programmed beliefs can trap us in a cycle of self-judgment that robs us of our ability to be seen for who we really are. It can also prevent us from fully growing up and creating our own independent identity. Instead of looking objectively at ourselves, building upon our strengths and healthily exposing our weaknesses, we create a facade. While that facade may protect us from criticism or from having to look too deep within ourselves and square our own contradictory beliefs, when we fail to reconcile our external persona with who we are on the inside, we end up engaging in an elaborate game of hide-and-seek that has long-term unhealthy consequences. When we cover parts of our true selves that are out of alignment with the persona we have created, we lie about — and discount the veracity of — our internal