By all means, build your online circle of friends, connections, and followers, especially if face-to-face interactions are stressful or challenging for you. It is possible to experience genuine care and intimacy with people online, and they can be a great resource when you want to try out new communication styles or coping strategies. But there is a difference.
Our verdict? Online friends are real. But they aren’t a replacement for face-to-face friends. If you feel your circle has too few friends of the face-to-face variety, we can work on that together.
Step 2: Let’s Play Four Questions
Putting everyone on the social circle is step 1. The next step is to choose a few of the most important relationships and explore them in more detail. Officially, this step is called “exploring the interpersonal inventory.” But it’s more fun to think of it as playing Four Questions.
Remember, these relationships don’t need to be the ones that make you feel good. In fact, it’s the stressful, hurtful, and disappointing relationships that are often the most important to explore, because they’re the ones that are most likely connected to your depression.
Here are the four questions you’ll ask yourself about each of the most important relationships in your life right now:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Review your relationship a little. Think of what you do together, how you communicate (face-to-face, by text, email, or phone), how often you see each other, and what you usually talk about (and don’t talk about). How have things changed over time? How do you feel when you think about seeing that person? After you’ve seen them? Who initiates contact? How do encounters start? End?
2. What do I like about the relationship? Think about what works and what you’d miss if you didn’t have that person in your life anymore. This can be hard to answer if your relationship is full of conflict or you’ve been really hurt or disappointed by the person. Try to remember what made you connect in the first place. Try imagining what others might say they like about the person, even if you can’t feel those things yourself.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? Think about when it makes you feel sad, hurt, angry, or disappointed. If you can’t come up with anything you don’t like, pay attention. Nobody’s perfect, so why the imbalanced view? You won’t work on it now, but it’s something you may want to revisit later.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? Think about what you’d change to make the relationship better for you and what you wish bothered you less, even if you can’t imagine anything will change.
Ana’s Circle: Things Just Aren’t the Same
Ana has drawn her circle and is ready to add some names. First there’s Peter, Ana’s husband. Five months ago, she would’ve put him so close to her on the circle that they would’ve been sharing the middle. Today, things are a little different. If anyone should be in the middle with Ana, it’s Ruby.
Should Ana put Ruby on the circle at all? Ruby is only a baby, but to be honest, Ana’s connection to Ruby is just about the most intense one she’s ever had. She adds Ruby to the first circle along with Peter.
Ana’s mom lives in Texas, but they FaceTime frequently, so she writes “Mamá” near the center. Her dad is a little farther out. They’ve never been really close, and after his Alzheimer’s diagnosis she’s finding it harder to connect with him. Her mother-in-law, who has perfected the art of the poorly timed surprise visit, is closer to the center than Ana would like. Ana’s older sister lives in the same city, but they aren’t really as close as they had been — an emotional distance that seems to have become greater since Ruby’s birth.
After that, Ana finds it a little hard to fill in the rest of her circle; so much has changed since the baby was born. She never sees her work friends now that she’s on maternity leave, and her nonwork friends, who were so attentive during the first few weeks after baby Ruby arrived, have all but disappeared. She’s stopped going to the gym (and yes, that makes her feel crappy), so she doesn’t see her gym buddies either. Her circle has shrunk. A lot.
PEP TALK: The people in your circle aren’t good or bad — your expectations of each other may just be different, and that’s what’s causing a rocky relationship.
She puts her closest work friends, Sue and Hirali, and her closest girlfriends, Amanda and Steph, on the circle — but a lot farther from the center than she would’ve, say, five months ago.
Ana decides to play Four Questions with her relationship with Peter, her mom, her sister, and Peter’s mom. She wonders if she should play Four Questions with Ruby too, but decides against it. It’s the changes in Ana’s life that are causing Ana stress, not Ruby.
Here’s how it turns out when she examines her relationship with Peter:
1. How would I describe the relationship? Peter and I met at college when we both joined a recreational baseball league. We love playing and watching sports together, inviting friends over for a beer or a barbecue, and listening to live music, but since Ruby’s birth we’re cocooning a lot more — planning a night out or inviting people over seems too overwhelming. All we can manage after Ruby falls asleep is to collapse on the couch and watch TV.
2. What do I like about the relationship? I love Peter’s optimistic personality. He always sees the bright side of things and is a very reliable, trustworthy guy.
3. What don’t I like about the relationship? Peter isn’t a big talker, and it really bugs me when I say, “Let’s talk,” and he gets this glazed look in his eyes. Also, he’s pretty traditional when it comes to who does what at home. Sometimes I need his help, and he just doesn’t seem to think it’s his job. He’s been coming home late from work a lot recently, which is really hard for me.
4. What would I like to be different about the relationship? I really want Peter to understand me better. When I’m feeling stressed about his mother or having trouble with my sister or worrying that I’m not a good mom, I want him to listen and “get it” rather than dismiss my concerns. I’ve been feeling pretty tired and lonely lately, and the feeling that Peter just isn’t there for me has gotten stronger. It would be great if he saw himself more as a partner in our home life, including taking care of Ruby.
Ana writes her responses to the four questions on sheets of paper, then staples them to her social circle, and puts them in her desk drawer for future reference.
CAN YOU PLAY FOUR QUESTIONS WITH YOUR KIDS?
Ana decides not to play Four Questions with her baby, Ruby, because it’s not the relationship with her baby that’s causing trouble; it’s the new role Ana is now playing as first-time mother.
But how about older children? If your relationship with your five-year-old is causing you grief because he’s become withdrawn and combative or your eleven-year-old comes home from school every day with enough attitude to sink a ship, okay, yes, you can ask yourself the four questions about them. Identifying what you don’t like and what you’d like to be different about the relationship will help you figure out how to move forward. But remember, the responsibility for making the relationship better will lie squarely with you as the mom or dad, and you’ll need to go to others in your circle for help.
Of course, once your kids are teenagers and adults, the parent-child relationship changes, and your son or daughter can play a more active role in improving the relationship between you.
Kate’s Circle: Handcuffed to Hubby
Kate’s inner circles include her husband, Don, a recently retired police officer, and their two grown children, Dominic and Heather, who has a new baby. Kate’s parents passed away a few years ago, and she