“I know you guys are busy, but I really miss spending time with you. It’s a highlight of my week when we arrange a dinner together or you bring a meal over. If you could do that sometime soon, I would really appreciate it.”
TO YOUR TEENAGER:
“You might be surprised to hear me say this, but I really don’t like nagging you, and I know sometimes I can get a little crazy about minor things. I just want to tell you I love you, and I get that you’re just being a normal teenager. Sometimes I struggle with my mood, and I want you to know I’m really working on feeling more positive, and I’m going to try to be less picky and argumentative with you.”
TO YOUR BOSS:
“I’ve been to see my doctor, and she told me I have depression. I’m making some important changes in my life, so that I can get better as fast as possible. She said I should talk to you about taking some time off or cutting back one day a week until I feel better.”
Hello? Is Anybody Listening?
These conversations don’t always go as well as we hope. Ana, for instance, decides to write her husband, Peter, a letter one morning while the baby is napping. It seems smarter to write something while she’s feeling fresh than to wait until Peter gets home from work, when she’ll be too tired and cranky for a constructive conversation. Plus, writing things down helps her collect her thoughts. This way, she won’t forget anything.
She starts the letter by telling Peter she loves him and acknowledging that she’s been having a hard time since the baby was born. She tells him how she’s been feeling — sad, unworthy, guilty, incompetent, distracted, irritable — and tells him those are actually symptoms of depression. She writes that she knows he’s tired too, but that she hopes he can help her with some of her responsibilities for a little while so she can work on feeling better.
Peter reads the letter that night, and although he gives Ana a big hug and says he’s happy she told him how she feels, he doesn’t actually address her request for help. Ana decides not to make a big deal of it. Maybe he just didn’t know what to do or say next.
Over the next week, she notices that it’s business as usual as far as Peter is concerned. He still wants dinner on the table within minutes of his arrival home and buries his nose in the newspaper instead of holding his daughter. He doesn’t even load the dishwasher. Ana can feel her resentment rising. Didn’t she hold up her end of the bargain? Didn’t she share the symptoms of depression, talk about her efforts to get better, ask for help, and say it would only be temporary?
Yes, Ana did everything right. But when we’re talking about spouses (and other family members, for that matter), it may take more than one letter or conversation to cover all the issues and work out all the kinks. Relationships are works in progress, and intimate partnerships have well-established patterns. You’re asking to shake up the status quo, and it’s not likely to happen right away.
PEP TALK: It may take several conversations with someone — especially a spouse — to work out how they can help you best. Be patient, stay open-minded, and maybe show them this chapter!
Ana will need to continue the conversation with her husband. Not in a “You’re such a jerk; why didn’t you start helping out more like I asked you to” way (even if that’s what she’s feeling), but using a more constructive approach. “Peter,” she could say, “I appreciate that you care how I’m feeling. If I’m going to get better, we need to share the work when you get home.” No apologies. No aggression. Just a civil, respectful request for what she needs.
Be patient, be constructive, and keep trying. If you don’t seem to be making progress on your own, you can always suggest that your spouse come to a doctor’s appointment with you. Hearing about depression from a medical professional may help give your request for support some credibility. You can also talk to an understanding friend or family member. What are their ideas?
Taking Off the Training Wheels
It’s completely natural for us to feel anxious and even afraid when we’re asked to try something new. What if this doesn’t work? What if I don’t start to feel better? What if my family can’t manage without me doing everything I’ve always done? What if my boss doesn’t understand? What if my friends judge me? Asking “what if” is a common way for depressed people to express anxiety. (Stick with us. We’re going to help you turn your “what ifs” into “whos”: Who can I talk to? Who has gone through something similar?)
You’ve been functioning a certain way with your depression and, even if you feel bad, at least it’s a feeling you’re familiar with. Depression often runs in families, so the way you cope may be similar to the way you saw your mom or dad (or both) deal with their mood difficulties.
It’s like learning to ride a bike. When someone says, “Let’s take the training wheels off,” it feels unsafe. What if you fall? There’s fear and uncertainty. But think about the joy and freedom you’ll experience when you ride without those extra wheels slowing you down.
GUY TALK: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Ron here, with some quick words about guys and depression.
Men don’t usually recognize depression, even when it is staring us right in the face. Sure, that tired guy in the mirror has insomnia, can’t concentrate, and is always angry, but that’s normal, right? We just need to power through, suck it up, distract ourselves, or pour another beer.
Often it’s our partner who gives us the wake-up call that something’s not right. They want us to talk to someone — our doctor, a therapist, a friend. But chances are we resist. I’m as bad as the next guy about going to the doctor. When I went for a checkup last year, it’d been well over twenty years (and it was my wife who made it happen). Most guys don’t want to know if we’ve got high blood pressure or bad cholesterol or skin cancer or depression. If we don’t go, we don’t have to know.
Feeling crappy for more than two weeks isn’t normal. That short fuse and constant low-level irritation are probably sadness, hurt, disappointment, and other feelings that many guys aren’t comfortable expressing. Our instinct is to stick our head in the sand. It takes a brave man to recognize that, Houston, we have a problem.
Fortunately, depression is a problem we can solve. First, we have to admit that it’s not normal to feel like crap. Then we have to stop pretending to be superhuman. If you’ve been powering through, that means temporarily cutting back on some of your day-to-day activities.
Now this isn’t a free pass to watch the game every night instead of going for dinner with your mother-in-law or putting the kids to bed. You’ll need to let the people who are affected by your choices know why you’re cutting back.
It can feel awkward. For example, what do you say to your boss to save face, now that you’re going to stop working all that overtime? If you can’t answer that question yourself, I bet you know someone who’s been through something similar whom you could ask.
Your spouse may already have her hands full. How can you make sure she stays supportive? An open conversation in which you talk about what you’re doing to cope with your depression and you strategize together on the best ways to cut back can go a long way to keeping your partner on your side. Most women love it when we’re open and talk about ourselves. It doesn’t make us wimps.
Acknowledge there’s a problem, and take steps to fix it. Your family and friends will thank you — and you’ll start to feel better.
This Week’s To-Do List
Show the “Thirteen Signs You May Be Depressed” list to someone. Could be your spouse, your girlfriend, your cousin — break the silence about depression and help clear up some myths!
Pay attention to the way you usually communicate when you’re feeling bad or upset. This awareness is the first step to modifying your communication style.
Talk