This week we play detective, investigating the kind of relationships you have and identifying what you wish were different about them. These relationships (and how you handle them) hold the key to your mood. This week’s work will help open the door to a new world of possibilities with the people in your life.
It was almost Passover. The day before the big dinner, I was driving my grandson home from school.
“Who’s coming tomorrow, Bubbe?” he asked.
I resisted the urge to rattle off all the family members who’d be sitting around the seder table and instead looked at him in the rearview mirror and waited for part two of the question.
“Wasn’t there someone who used to bring us toys and candy?”
I smiled. Yes, there was someone — my sister.
“Is she coming this year?” my grandson asked.
“No,” I replied.
“Is she ever going to come again?” he continued.
“I don’t know,” I said.
There had been a number of conflicts over the years between my sister and me and between my sister and my immediate family, and each one had taken its toll. To make my grandson happy, all we had to do was hit the candy store before tomorrow, but it was more complicated for me. I hold out hope that the fences will be mended someday, and I bring my box of tools to help out whenever I can. But my sister wasn’t on the guest list. Not this year anyway.
My situation probably isn’t so different from yours. Every family has its rifts, reunions, and reminders of the way things were, brought into sharp focus by chance encounters, special dates on the calendar, and in my case a little boy with a sweet tooth.
PEP TALK: This week is all about exploring the important people in your life — however you define “important.”
The model that Ron and I practice is called “interpersonal” psychotherapy for a reason. All of us are part of a web of relationships. The size of the web differs from person to person — my web is way bigger than Ron’s, for example — but it’s a web nonetheless. Some relationships are held close with a short, strong thread. Others are distant, the spider silk stretched so thin you can hardly see it. Sometimes, the thread’s been broken.
We’re social beings, and our web of relationships is important to our happiness. Supportive relationships help us survive life’s storms and celebrate its successes. Stressful and dissatisfying relationships — ones that leave us feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed — contribute to our feelings of sadness and depression. There’s an expression that really brings that point home: “A mother can only be as happy as her least happy child.” Our relationships with others affect our mood. Our kids, our partners, our coworkers, our parents, our siblings, heck, even our neighbors — they can all help us feel better. Or worse.
PEP TALK: The “whos” in our lives are closely tied to how we feel.
Let’s take a closer look at the “whos” in your life — how often you see them, what you do together, and what you like and don’t like about the relationships. We’ll start by drawing your social circle, and then we’ll complete an exercise we call Four Questions.
ACQUAINTANCE OR FRIEND?
People sometimes struggle with telling the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Does it matter? Yes. And not because of a judgy belief that only friends are important. We need both in our lives. We can practice new coping strategies and communication styles with acquaintances. And they can be a low-risk sounding board and source of advice.
You can tell the difference between acquaintances and friends by thinking about what you talk about and the way you communicate with each other. Have you ever talked with them about personal things? Asked them for advice? Had them come to you for help? If the answers are no, they’re probably an acquaintance. Friendship requires vulnerability and intimacy — you know stuff about each other that an acquaintance just doesn’t. Open up to the right acquaintance, and you just might make a new friend.
Step 1: Time to Draw
Now let’s draw your social circle. Grab a pencil and a sheet of paper. Plain 8½ × 11-inch paper is fine. Markers, colored pencils, and glitter are optional. You don’t need to get fancy, but you’ll be referring to your circle for reminders of your relationships as you work through the next ten weeks. You might even change your circle over time, as relationships grow, wane, or are resuscitated.
Draw a small circle about an inch wide in the middle of your paper and write your name (or simply “me”) in it. Then draw another circle around that one, about an inch from it, and a third one around the second. (You can add more circles if you need to as you go along.) You’re drawing your social universe, and everything revolves around you.
Next, think of the names of the people who are important to you and jot them down in the circles around “you.” Those closest to you go in the first circle; more distant relationships go in the outer circles, depending on how close you consider the relationship to be. Your friend, your mom’s friend, your husband, your wife, your kids, your hairdresser, your bartender, your work colleague, your therapist, your doctor — they all may have a place on your social circle. Who did you see the most last week? Who drove you crazy? Put ’em both on the circle. (Or maybe they’re the same person!) You can include names from the past as well as the present.
Just because a relationship is close doesn’t mean it’s positive. Some of our closest relationships are our most stressful ones, and these are exactly the relationships we want to explore this week. Another tip? Just because she’s your sister or your mom doesn’t mean she has to be in your inner circle. Moms and daughters and sisters (and dads and sons and brothers) are sometimes on the periphery of our lives or not in our lives at all, and no one (including you) should make you feel guilty about that. It might be just the way you like it. If it’s not, we’ll figure out if it’s something you’d like to change.
Some people will immediately jump to mind, and you’ll know exactly where to put them on your drawing. If you get stuck, take a look at your texts, your email inbox, and your Facebook account for reminders. You can also answer these questions:
Who did you spend time with on the weekend?
Who do you work with?
Who aggravated you the most last week?
Which professionals do you see on a regular basis?
If someone who was close to you died, put them on your social circle as well — and don’t worry about getting it “right” if you aren’t sure where to put them. It can sometimes help to place them where you would if they were still alive. Similarly, if you were close to someone in the past but aren’t now, you can decide whether you want to put that person in an inner or outer ring. This is your circle, and you get to decide where things go — there’s no right or wrong here.
Focus on documenting who is in your life, not on whether you can (or should) make changes to those relationships. Remember, one step at a time!
ARE FACEBOOK FRIENDS REAL FRIENDS?
There is a paradox of the internet: so many friends, and at the same time no friends at all. Face-to-face friendships are rich, multidimensional experiences that are enhanced by being together in the same place, seeing body language, sharing good and bad experiences,