Unhealthy Whispers
The unhealthy internal voice discourages feelings of confidence and efficacy. This lurking voice can inform us that things are more difficult than they really are while reminding us that we lack the ability to understand and solve problems. It speaks of fear, anxiety, worthlessness, and defeat.
According to clinical psychologist Robert W. Firestone: “Everyone has negative voices — we would not be human without them, but people who are self-destructive have negative voices that dominate their thinking and block the ability to think positively or even rationally. These voices create a person who is essentially turned against oneself. When faced with failure, rejection, illness, loss, or shame, this person has the potential to take action against himself or herself.” In the extreme case of suicide, this self-hatred reaches epic proportions. As Shakespeare writes in MacBeth, “Foul whisperings are abroad.” A foul inner voice can suggest that life is pointless and that the individual is powerless to do anything about it. As important as is positive and realistic internal dialogue, it is even more important to be aware of the damage inflicted by negative and distorted inner conversations.
In the field of medicine, the axiom is “first do no harm.” In invitational thinking, the axiom is “eliminate the negative and distorted.” Many people tell themselves that they cannot learn, assert, or succeed, even when such things are not objectively true. They encounter difficulties because they are incapable of telling themselves that they can succeed. The presence of negative and distorted self-talk establishes limits and barriers to performance, and these limits and barriers are as real as this book.
Listen to the voice of one young man in therapy: “Doubting myself has become a way of life for me. When I turn in a paper I tell myself it’s no good. When I ask a girl for a date, I know I’ll be turned down. When I apply for a job, I know I won’t get it.” Such negative self-talk often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Individuals who expect rejection, failure, and defeat become their own worst enemies, often sabotaging themselves.
The whispering self has profound effects not only on social behavior but also on biology. Research by Kiecolt-Glaser, Ricker, Messick, Speicher, Garner, and Glaser in psychosomatic medicine documented the connections between physical immune functions and self-definitions. Working to alter faulty, irrational, or negative self-talk is an important prerequisite not only for leadership but for a healthy life as well.
Imagine an aspiring leader whose whispering self tells him or her the following:
“I’m always putting my foot in my mouth.”
“I never know what to say.”
“I can never remember names.”
“I’ve never been any good with numbers.”
“I can’t use computers.”
“I can’t speak in public.”
“I don’t think people like me.”
“I wish I were better looking.”
“I’d lose my head if it weren’t attached.”
It would be difficult if not impossible to achieve much of anything while listening to an inner voice filled with pessimism, self-doubt, and even self-hatred. The language we use internally forms the structure of our consciousness. Changing the ways we speak to ourselves internally changes the very meaning of our existence.
A classic example of distorted and self-defeating thinking was provided by Ken Kesey in his 1962 novel, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest:
“Man, you’re talking like a fool! You mean to tell me that you’re gonna’ sit back and let some old blue-haired woman talk you into being a rabbit?”
“Not talk me into it, no. I was born a rabbit. Just look at me. I simply need the nurse to make me happy with my role.”
“You’re no damned rabbit.”
By accepting ourselves as a rabbit, or loser, clumsy, ugly, stupid, lazy, or incompetent, our inner voice becomes its own defender, regardless of how ultimately self-defeating the defense may be. The defense against failure is to accept oneself as a failure. The negative voice declares that it is better not to try than to try and be embarrassed or humiliated. By not trying, we maintain some sort of control.
To illustrate how the whispering self can function in positive and realistic ways, consider the following description of internal dialogue provided by one of our doctoral students:
I often talk to myself in two ways. First, I talk out arguments with myself before I present them to other people. This helps me organize my thoughts and, I hope, appear more polished when I present my thoughts to others. Second, I often ‘play out’ difficult situations afterwards to better understand what went wrong in the interaction. In the privacy of my mind, I can say what I should have said at the time and did not. It’s almost like talking to a friend.
In everyday life, we formulate various courses of action, select what appears to be the most self-enhancing, and critique results.
A successful way to handle stress and reduce anxiety is to challenge negative and distorted self-talk. Again, it is this private talk which defines who we are and what we can and cannot do. The goal is to adjust internal dialogue with external reality, to be aware of negative and distorted self-talk, and to ask ourselves, “What is the evidence for my conclusions?”
An approach widely used in professional counseling and psychotherapy is called “rational therapy.” The purpose of this tactic is to change negative and dysfunctional self-talk to more rational and positive inner conversations. This requires that we become aware of self-talk and challenge those hushed voices that are self-defeating. When our thinking is dominated by irrationality, irrational things happen to us. It is not as important to speak to ourselves with affirming words as it is to recognize and challenge faulty, irrational, counter-productive self-talk.
From Self to Others
Throughout this chapter there has been an implicit subtext that is crucial to the development of the invitational leader — namely, how we feel about ourselves has a profound impact on how we interact with others.
The intentionally inviting leader, one who is guided by a healthy, optimistic self-concept, frees others to feel as positively about themselves as he or she does. After all, how we interact with others is really a reflection of how we interact with ourselves. The invitational leader speaks in encouraging, positive tones, echoing what he hears when he listens carefully to his or her own whispering self.
It should come as no surprise that listening to ourselves and others is one of the keys to developing a healthy self-concept. Just as listening to the self helps us to monitor our self-talk for negative or unhealthy whispers, so listening closely to our colleagues enables us to understand differences in thinking styles and personalities. Listening to the self and listening to others — these are not always separate actions, for they often happen simultaneously. One listens to the whispering self in determining how best to approach each colleague, and then monitors the interaction as it takes place, seeking to be as constructive and encouraging as possible.
It should be clear by now that the invitational leader’s self-concept is crucial. Think, for instance, what would happen to the leader with a negative self-concept. How can negative thoughts about the self do anything but interfere with our relationships with others? How can the leader learn to engage others if he or she does not first learn to engage in confident and healthy self-talk? Further, what good is positive self-talk if the invitational leader does not treat colleagues and their opinions with respect? Consider what Robert Greenleaf, an authority on the topic of servant leadership, writes about respectful listening:
Most of us, at one time or another, some of us a good deal of the time, would really like to communicate, really get through to the level of meaning rooted in the