LUIZ. Nor His Grace's own particular drum
To Venetia's shores will come:
ALL. If ever, ever, ever
They get back to Spain,
They will never, never, never
Cross the sea again!
DUKE. At last we have arrived at our destination. This is
the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor
resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I
regret that I am unable to pay my state visit on a horse. As a
Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to
ride through the streets of Venice; but owing, I presume, to an
unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that
equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our
suite?
LUIZ (coming forward). Your Grace, I am here.
DUCH. Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when
you address His Grace?
DUKE. My love, it is so small a matter! (To Luiz.) Still,
you may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.)
CAS. The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect
appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian
hidalgo.
DUKE. My child, you are hard upon our suite.
CAS. Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons
in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that
position, let him be whipped until he does.
DUKE. Let us hope the omission was not intended as a
slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would he.
(To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have had the
honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor
might be made in becoming state?
LUIZ. Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who
stipulated for a trifle on account.
DUKE. How tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor
is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have had the
honour of escorting us? I see no band!
LUIZ. Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required
to be paid in advance.
DUCH. That's so like a band!
DUKE (annoyed). Insuperable difficulties meet me at every
turn!
DUCH. But surely they know His Grace?
LUIZ. Exactly—they know His Grace.
DUKE. Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf
gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do not
happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a
cornet-a-piston?
LUIZ. Alas, no, Your Grace! But I can imitate a farmyard.
DUKE (doubtfully). I don't see how that would help us. I
don't see how we could bring it in.
CAS. It would not help us in the least. We are not a
parcel of graziers come to market, dolt!
(Luiz
rises.)
DUKE. My love, our suite's feelings! (To Luiz.) Be so
good as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his
Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro—
DUCH. And suite—
DUKE. And suite—have arrived at Venice, and seek—
CAS. Desire—
DUCH. Demand!
DUKE. And demand an audience.
LUIZ. Your Grace has but to command.
DUKE (much moved). I felt sure of it—I felt sure of it!
(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love—(aside to
Duchess) Shall we tell her? I think so—(aloud to Casilda) And
now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is my
agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make you
the happiest young lady in Venice!
CAS. A secret?
DUCH. A secret which, for State reasons, it has been
necessary to preserve for twenty years.
DUKE. When you were a prattling babe of six months old you
were married by proxy to no less a personage than the infant son
and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy King of
Barataria!
CAS. Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria?
Was I consulted? (Duke shakes his head.) Then it was a most
unpardonable liberty!
DUKE. Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly
after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of
his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most
bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor, determined
that the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria,
caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and
conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Methodist Monarch and
all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an insurrection, and we are
here to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband, and to hail
you, our daughter, as Her Majesty, the reigning Queen of
Barataria! (Kneels.)
(During this speech Luiz re-enters.)
DUCH. Your Majesty! (Kneels.) (Drum roll.)
DUKE. It is at such moments as these that one feels how
necessary it is to travel with a full band.
CAS. I, the Queen of Barataria! But I've nothing to wear!
We are practically penniless!
DUKE. That point has not escaped me. Although I am
unhappily in straitened circumstances at present, my social
influence is something enormous; and a Company, to be called the
Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to work
me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I shall
myself join the Board after allotment.
CAS. Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may be
called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in process
of liquidation?
DUCH. The speculation is not exempt from that drawback. If
your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to wind
him up.
CAS. But it's so undignified—it's so degrading! A Grandee