upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated
at a premium! Oh fie!
DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your
Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over
and over again.
DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of
being applied for over and over again—and very urgently applied
for, too—long before he was registered under the Limited
Liability Act.
RECITATIVE—DUKE.
To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment;
Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative:
The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.
DUET—DUKE and DUCHESS.
DUKE. Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get—and they're highly delighted—
DUCH. They're highly delighted!
DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted,
Sham Colonels gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted—
DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted.
DUKE. Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying:
It adds a large sum to my makings—
DUCH. Large sums to his makings.
DUKE. At charity dinners
The best of speech-spinners,
I get ten per cent on the takings—
DUCH. One-tenth of the takings.
DUCH. I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety—
DUKE. Doubtful propriety.
DUCH. When Virtue would quash her,
I take and whitewash her,
And launch her in first-rate society—
DUKE. First-rate society!
DUCH. I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers—
Their fit and their finishing touches—
DUKE. Their finishing touches.
DUCH. A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess—
DUKE. They make for the Duchess!
DUKE. Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors,
Quote me as their great double-barrel—
DUCH. Their great double-barrel—
DUKE. I allow them to do so,
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing apparel—
DUCH. Such wearing apparel!
DUKE. I sit, by selection,
Upon the direction
Of several Companies bubble—
DUCH. All Companies bubble!
DUKE. As soon as they're floated
I'm freely bank-noted—
I'm pretty well paid for my trouble—
DUCH. He's paid for his trouble!
DUCH. At middle-class party
I play at ecarte—
And I'm by no means a beginner—
DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner.
DUCH. To one of my station
The remuneration—
Five guineas a night and my dinner—
DUKE. And wine with her dinner.
DUCH. I write letters blatant
On medicines patent—
And use any other you mustn't—
DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't—
DUCH. And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody's soap—which it doesn't—
DUKE. (significantly). It certainly doesn't!
DUKE. We're ready as witness
To any one's fitness
To fill any place or preferment—
DUCH. A place or preferment.
DUCH. We're often in waiting
At junket or feting,
And sometimes attend an interment—
DUKE. We enjoy an interment.
BOTH. In short, if you'd kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches—
Yes; into your clutches.
Or hoodwink a debtor,
You cannot do better
DUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess—
DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess!
(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)
DUKE. Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows with
great ceremony.)
MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?
DUKE. The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands
with him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to
imitate him.) Allow me to present—
GIU. The young lady one of us married?
(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casilda
curtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.)
CAS. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of
you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz!
DUKE. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman
whom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to
wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern
him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of
excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady
who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is some
little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing,
and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to
wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still
addressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make
you happier than her mother has made me."
DUCH. Sir!
DUKE. If possible. And now there is a little matter to
which I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in