DON AL. In short, whoever you may be,
To this conclusion you'll agree,
When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody!
MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be,
To this conclusion we agree—
ALL. When every one is somebodee,
Then no one's anybody!
(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by
curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)
DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate.
His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and
their beautiful daughter Casilda—I say their beautiful daughter
Casilda—
GIU. We heard you.
DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any
moment.
MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.
DON AL. But the daughter—the beautiful daughter! Aha!
Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!
GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.
DON AL. Not a bit—I'll explain. Many years ago when you
(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were
married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most
beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be
here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I
congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.
MAR. Married when a baby!
GIU. But we were married three months ago!
DON AL. One of you—only one. The other (whichever it is)
is an unintentional bigamist.
GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word!
DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people?
TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just
arrived.
DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!
Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her
Majesty say?
GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was
already married?
TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen?
DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and
Gianetta begin to cry.)
GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child—
TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you!
MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman!
GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are?
TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before
they left Venice?
DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have
induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating
and utterly irresistible little ladies!
TESS. There's something in that.
DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in
suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at
present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.
GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out
of her suspense?
DON AL. Oh no—there's no hurry—she's all right. She has
all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate
her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety
of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good
evening!
(Exit Don
Alhambra.)
GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things!
MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies,
and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young
lady whom nobody can identify!
GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other
is married to nobody.
TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and
what's to become of the other? (About to cry.)
GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have
managed to acquire three wives. Three wives—two husbands.
(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.
TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good
sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!
GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.
MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is
entangled. Let's try and comb it out.
QUARTET—MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA.
In a contemplative fashion,
And a tranquil frame of mind,
Free from every kind of passion,
Some solution let us find.
Let us grasp the situation,
Solve the complicated plot—
Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot.
TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded—THE OTHERS. In a
contemplative
That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion,
etc.
He is rather dunder-headed.
Still distinctly, he's a duck.
GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let
us grasp the
Marco married - that is clear. situation,
etc.
He's particularly stupid,
Still distinctly, he's a dear.
MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a
contemplative
I can prove it in a trice: fashion,
etc.
Though her charms are overrated,
Still I own she's rather nice.
GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us
grasp the
All at once a victim fell. situation,
etc.
She is what is called a silly,
Still she answers pretty well.
MAR. Now when we were pretty babies
Some one married us, that's clear—
GIA. And if I can catch her
I'll pinch her and scratch her
And send her away with a flea in her ear.