The Perfect Partner Will Fulfill You Completely in Every Way
Imagine sitting in a job interview for a position you are interested in.
‘Could you tell me about this job?’ you ask the person who would be hiring you to work for him.
‘Basically, I expect you to fulfill my every need. I expect you to know what I want, even when I don’t tell you what I want. I want you to read my mind and know all of my secret expectations and deliver them. I want you to have the answers for me when I am confused, cheer me up when I am down, and make me love myself more when I don’t feel confident. You will, of course, entertain me constantly so I never get bored, and enjoy all of my hobbies and interests so you can be the perfect companion.’
I’m sure you agree that these expectations are outlandish and that no amount of money could tempt you to put yourself in such a highly pressured and impossible situation. And although this story is slightly exaggerated, the truth is that many of us walk into relationships unconsciously expecting our partner to fulfill our every need, and when they do not, we become resentful and disillusioned. I call this ‘setting someone up,’ especially because you may be unconscious of what some of those needs are and therefore can’t articulate them to the person you love.
Here are the negative consequences of believing in Love Myth #4:
1 You fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be filling yourself.
‘I think I should divorce my husband,’ Andrea proclaimed as we sat in my office. She had made an appointment with me to discuss her relationship, which was in major crisis. Andrea was twenty-seven, cute, and very athletic-looking. She had been married to Benjamin for almost two years.
‘What’s the problem?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Andrea answered. ‘I’m just not happy. I thought marriage would be better than this, would change things for me, but it hasn’t seemed to make any difference, and I’m disappointed.’
‘What did you think marriage would change?’
‘I guess I wanted to feel more confidence, more clear about my life and where it is going; instead, I just feel confused.’
‘Let’s talk about the rest of your life. What do you do?’ I inquired.
‘Well, not anything right now. I had a job six months ago, but I quit because I didn’t like it. I don’t really know what I want to do. I keep thinking that if I get out of this marriage, I’ll feel better.’
‘Is there a particular complaint you have about Benjamin?’
Andrea thought for a minute and then replied: ‘No, not exactly. He’s really loving and sweet to me. He just doesn’t make me happy.’
After talking to Andrea for a while, it was obvious to me that the problem in her relationship wasn’t her husband, but herself. Andrea had no direction, no goals in her life. She married Benjamin hoping he would fill that empty place inside her, the place where she harbors her low self-esteem. But that was Andrea’s job, not Benjamin’s. And instead of pursuing a career or getting an education, Andrea spent her days going to the gym and working out, or watching television.
Andrea was a self-indulgent woman who had never really grown up. But no matter how much Benjamin loved Andrea, he couldn’t fill that void inside her. Because she felt empty, she assumed the marriage was not fulfilling her. The truth was, Benjamin was a good husband to Andrea, but Andrea wasn’t very good to Andrea. Her dissatisfaction wasn’t with her marriage—it was with herself.
The fantasy that your true love will ‘make everything okay’ is a deadly one. It can cause you to end a perfectly good relationship because you expect your partner to do for you what you should be doing for yourself.
IF YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY EMPTY BEFORE YOU START A RELATIONSHIP, YOU WILL FEEL JUST AS EMPTY ONCE YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
2. You resent your partner for not giving you what you should be finding elsewhere.
Another pitfall of believing that your perfect partner will fulfill all your needs is the pressure you put on him or her to be everything to you. How many times have I heard women complain that they wish their husbands would go shopping with them, or spend a Saturday browsing for antiques, or cared more about how they redecorated the house! It took me years to figure out that there are needs we have as women that men just can’t and shouldn’t have to fulfill—not basic needs like those for love, affection, friendship, etc., but needs women have to enjoy themselves. Face it, ladies: Most husbands are never going to enjoy coordinating the decorations for your child’s birthday party, sorting through fabric samples for the new couch, or spending hours roaming the mall for sales as much as most women do. These are needs better fulfilled by other women.
Men seem to have lower expectations in these areas than women, but men, too, experience their share of disappointment that we aren’t fulfilling them in every way. Jeffrey went through this stage a few years into our relationship and began to doubt whether I was right for him. Naturally I was scared to death, but as we talked about it, his concerns focused on one area: sports. He is very athletically talented and loves sports of all kinds. Although I enjoy them, I tend to make other things a priority in my life. The more we discussed this issue, the more Jeffrey realized that his Love Myth told him that the ‘right woman’ would want to go out and throw a baseball around with him, play racquetball every weekend, and do some serious bodybuilding. Jeffrey was depriving himself of doing these things himself because he wanted me to do them, too. ‘I guess I’ve been resenting you for depriving me of enjoying my interests,’ he confessed. We agreed that I would make an effort to share more athletic activities with him but that he would fulfill himself by joining a Softball team, making workout dates with friends, and taking the time he needed to do what he enjoyed.
Here’s the truth about Love Myth #4:
THE RIGHT PARTNER WILL FULFILL MANY OF YOUR NEEDS BUT NOT ALL OF THEM.
We each have our ‘wish list’ of what we want in a perfect partner, but here is the point: there are some needs only your partner should fulfill. But there are others that your family, friends, and acquaintances can fulfill for you.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE IN A PARTNER AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED IN A PARTNER.
If Jeffrey hadn’t challenged Love Myth #4, he might have ended our relationship and gone in search of Miss Junior Athlete of 1992, leaving behind the deep and powerful connection we have.
Love Myth 5
When You Experience Powerful Sexual Chemistry with Someone, It Must Be Love
Boy, does this Love Myth get us in trouble! It has its basis in the inherent guilt many of us in our culture feel about acknowledging and enjoying our sexuality. Since society, our upbringing, and our morality often don’t give us ‘permission’ to be sexual for its own sake, we imagine that