Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

Are there some patterns in my relationships of which I need to be aware?

      

Is there a trend I can see in my relationships over time? Getting healthier? Getting worse? Getting better and then a relapse?

      

Were some partners easier to list negative qualities about than others?

      

Is my present partner significantly different from previous partners? Better? Worse? The same?

       EXAMPLE #1. ANN’S LOVE CHOICES CHART

      Ann, thirty-nine, has listed five important men in her life. She is married to one now (Adam), another previously (Sean), and the other three men were long-time partners.

      When Ann looked over her list, several things were obvious:

      1 Her list of negative qualities about Sean was the longest, accurately reflecting that this had been the most painful relationship in her life.

      2 Her list about her present husband, Adam, was the shortest, accurately reflecting that this is the healthiest and most satisfying relationship in her life.

      3 There was an enormous contrast between her relationship with Sean and her present husband, Adam, indicating some real growth on her part.

      In Step 3 of the exercise, Ann circled similar qualities that seemed to repeat themselves on the lists and then made a summary list.

       STEP 4: ANN’S SUMMARY LIST OF SIMILAR OR COMMON QUALITIES

      Angry

      Dishonest

      Irresponsible and unreliable

      Moody

      Sexually dysfunctional

      Self-absorbed

      Jobless

      Hates talking about feelings

      Controlling

      ‘This is embarrassing,’ Ann complained as she read her summary list. ‘I never realized these men had these traits in common. I always told myself how ‘different’ each new one was from the last. I guess they looked different on the outside, but they were very similar. At least I’ve improved over the years, and married a loving, reliable man.’

      Ann’s Love Choices Chart helped her understand exactly why her relationships didn’t work. Once it was on paper, it was easy for her to see what kind of men she had been attracting and why she had been so unhappy.

       EXAMPLE #2. MITCHELL’S LOVE CHOICES CHART

      Mitchell is a thirty-six-year-old attorney who wanted to figure out why he couldn’t find the right woman to marry. ‘I’m looking for a powerful, independent woman who won’t smother me in a relationship,’ he explained, ‘but somehow I end up with the opposite.’

       STEP 4: MITCHELL’S SUMMARY LIST OF SIMILAR OR COMMON QUALITIES

      Drama queen

      Controlling

      Obsessive

      Victim

      Emotionally unstable

      Immature

      Sexually damaged

      When Mitchell looked at his summary list, he was amazed. ‘I found these women so compelling,’ he admitted, ‘but for all the wrong reasons. I’m obviously attracting weak, little-girl types with a victim mentality and a real addiction to drama. You can imagine how turbulent these relationships are. The women fall apart and go from one crisis to the next, and I try to rescue them and fix everything.’

      Mitchell learned several things from his Love Choices Chart:

      

He not only attracts women who are addicted to drama, but he himself is obviously addicted to drama, since he puts up with this kind of behavior.

      

He gets to feel superior to his partners by choosing women who are a mess, and helping them get their lives together.

      

Even though he says he wants a strong, independent woman, he finds women who are dependent and not self-sufficient, and once again he gets to feel needed and important.

      CREATING YOUR EMOTIONAL WANT AD

      Now that you’ve made your Love Choices Chart and worked on your summary list, it’s time for you to face the truth about the kinds of partners you’ve chosen in your life.

       TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU’VE BEEN SEEKING, LOOK AT THE KIND OF PARTNERS YOU’VE ENDED UP WITH.

      

You don’t end up with your mates by accident.

      

You don’t attract someone because you have bad luck.

      

You don’t find the same type of person over and over again by coincidence.

       You get what you ask for!

      I believe that we get back what we put out, that our unconscious mind has certain ‘agendas’ or needs, and based on these needs, we choose particular partners in our lives. Ann could insist to herself and her friends that she truly wanted a loving, open, stable, responsible man, but in truth, and as shown by her summary list, she attracted men who were angry, unreliable, self-absorbed, jobless, and sexually dysfunctional. Mitchell claimed he longed to find a strong, independent woman, and yet he continually attracted immature, overly dramatic women who needed rescuing.

      One of the most effective ways to sum up the kind of person you’ve been unknowingly seeking, whether in your past or today, is to create your own Emotional Want Ad. You’ve actually already found the ingredients for your want ad in your Love Choices summary list.

      Here’s what to do.

      Write a want ad using the char-acteristics you have on your summary list. Make the ad as direct and as humorous as you can. It’s okay to make fun of yourself and your past choices. In fact, the more dramatic and outrageous your ad is, the more it can help you to break free from the negative emotional patterns that have been hurting your love life.

      Here is Ann’s Love Choices summary list once more:

      Angry

      Dishonest

      Moody

      Irresponsible

      Unreliable

      Sexually dysfunctional

      Self-absorbed

      Jobless

      Hates talking about feelings

      Controlling