Also by Barbara De Angelis
Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know
How Did I Get Here?
What Women Want Men To Know
Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know
The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love,
Sex and Relationships
I dedicate this book to my mother, Phyllis Garshman, and my stepfather, Daniel Garshman
For loving me unconditionally, for always being
there when I needed you and for showing me, by
your example, how wonderful love can be when
you’re with the right person.
Contents
UNDERSTANDING YOUR LOVE CHOICES
1 Love Is Not Enough
2 Why We Choose the People We Love
3 Falling in Love for All the Wrong Reasons
4 The Six Biggest Mistakes We Make in the Beginning of a Relationship
AVOIDING WHO’S WRONG
5 The Ten Types of Relationships That Won’t Work
6 Fatal Flaws
7 Compatibility Time Bombs
KNOWING WHO’S RIGHT
8 Six Qualities to Look For in a Mate
9 Sexual Chemistry: What Turns You On and What Doesn’t
10 Compatibility: Finding Out Who’s Right for You
11 Commitment: Making and Keeping One When it’s Right and Letting Go When it’s Wrong
12 The Adventure of Love
Acknowledgments
Copyright
You are lying in the dark next to the person you love. You can tell by his breathing that he’s asleep, and as you gaze at the outlines of his face, you wonder about the future of this relationship. You know he wants to marry you. You love him; you can’t imagine living without him, but the thought of marrying him scares you to death. What if you make the commitment and find out later that there’s someone you’re more compatible with? How can you be sure he’s really the one for you?
You and your husband are eating pizza and watching a movie on television. This is the first chance you’ve had to be alone together all week. It’s hard to believe that next month will be your tenth wedding anniversary. It’s been a good ten years, and although there are no big problems in the marriage, sometimes you wonder if you made the right choice. You love him, but don’t feel as ‘in love’ as when you met. You glance over at him sitting on the couch and ask yourself whether you’re really fulfilled, or just ‘comfortable.’ Would you be happier with someone else? Is he really your perfect partner?
You’re sitting in your attorney’s office, looking down at your divorce papers. Once you sign them, your marriage will be officially over. The pen trembles in your hand, and your eyes fill with tears as dozens of memories flood into your mind: the first time he kissed you; the night he asked you to marry him; the joy you felt on your wedding day; the fun you had fixing up your first home; the closeness you felt when your children were born; the safety you felt in his arms; the hopes and dreams and plans for the future. Never in your wildest dreams did you imagine that it would turn out this way. You were so sure it would work, so confident that he was the right person for you. But now, as your signature severs the marriage forever, you ask yourself, ‘Why didn’t I see it? How could I have known it wouldn’t last? Why did I make the wrong choice?’
Falling in love is a magical and powerful experience. Each kiss, each conversation, each moment in the beginning seems so right, so perfect. But soon attraction and infatuation become a ‘relationship,’ and we are brought down to earth with the challenging realities of sharing our life with another human being. And as those first enchanted weeks turn into months, one day we find ourselves asking: ‘Is this person right for me?’
If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ve asked yourself this question—before you made a commitment, before you got married, or, if the relationship didn’t work, before you decided to leave for good.
I used to hear this question every day when I had a radio talk show in Los Angeles. I received more phone calls about this problem than any other.
I understand the pain and turmoil these people are going through, because I’ve been through it, too. Since my first serious relationship at seventeen, and, until recently, I fell in love without giving serious consideration to whether the person was right for me, let alone whether they loved me enough. Someone showed up, and if he had something lovable about him, I would start a relationship. I’d convince myself he was ‘the one’ only to find out that we were incompatible and watch the relationship fail. Then I would feel sorry for myself and wonder what I was doing wrong.
After too many heartbreaks, I was forced to face the sad truth: In spite of my experience, education, and my intense desire to be happy, I continually chose partners who were not right for